Thursday, July 21, 2005

"Dear Kukka...", Volume I

Hello, everyone! I've received thousands, upon thousands of emails asking me millions, upon millions of questions, so I thought, "Let's make Thursday Q&A Day!" Today, I've decided to pick the most frequently asked questions and offer up the info you crave. Let's hit it!

Q: Kukka, you have an amazingly lustrous coat, lousy with body and bounce...what sort of products do you use?
A: I hesitate to endorse any particular brand (especially since no one is offering me money to do so), so I will give you a general run-down of my hair-care-regime. I shampoo once a week with a lovely lemon-sage shampoo and conditioner. For daily cleansing, I use my tongue. Occasionally, I'll use a flat-iron to smooth out my coat and a bit of pomade. A little schpritz of light-hold hairspray, and I'm ready for my day!

Q: Regretfully, I missed your most recent auction on ebay for one of your hairballs. Kukka, when will you be offering up another hairball for auction?
A: While I would love to take credit, I am not responsible for my hairballs that appear on ebay. Sadly, I am under constant attack by rabid fans, who steal my coughed-up hairballs and sell them for profit. Hear my heart-felt plea: AVOID THESE AUCTIONS or the terrorists win!

Q: I've recently learned your birthday is coming up next month! Are you registered anywhere?
A: Great question! I am registered for the following:

Q: You say you're an "Exiled Empress." Where is your homeland?
A: I can't talk about it. It's not yet an emotional scar--it's still a scab. Tito...hand me a tissue.

Q: I have a question in two-parts: First, do you prefer clumping or non-clumping litter and second, with "going potty" being such a current trend, do you have any plans to become toilet-trained?
A: Let me address the second part first. No, I have no immediate plans to learn how to use a toilet. First off, my ass is bony, making it virtually impossible (at best, uncomfortable) to sit on a toilet seat--padded or otherwise. In order to get my leg muscles conditioned enough to adequately balance above the "blue water gulch," I would need to work out at least 2 hours a day, 5 days a week! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! With "napping" mentioned twice in my list of favored activities, I think it's safe to say I'm not willing to make the commitment. As for your first inquiry? Clumping, thankyouverymuch.

That's it for now, adoring public! If you have more questions, post them! Nothing is off-limits (except my alleged romantic relationship with Karl Rove).


dominousernamesleft said...

Dear Kukka, I have a list of questions...if you don't mind.
1. What is your favorite TV show?
2. What is your favorite color?
3. If you could be any other animal, what would it be?
4. Who is your BFF?
5. What is your favorite memory?
Please answer! Talk to you later..Domino!

Garylovesbeer said...

hey there kuka. my name is gary. i'm a little on the heavy side, i've emailed a picture (to your mom) so you understand. do you have any advice on what i can do to slim down? i'm having trouble with the ladies.