Monday, July 25, 2005

Online dating is a bitch!

I recently decided to explore online dating to see what all the hype was about. "But why would a celebrity like you need to look online for a date," you ask? The prettiest girl always sits at home on a Saturday night...everyone thinks she is booked, so no one calls. Except with me, people are also very intimidated because of my amazing intellect and charm.

So I posted my profile.

Name: Kukka-Maria
Breed(ing): Exiled Empress
Age: 5
Hair: Short, black/white/gray tiger-striped
Eyes: Green
Interests: Napping, rubbing my face against things, trying to procure tasty people-food, napping, talking, treats, and talking about treats.
Turn-ons: Licks behind my ears and between my eyes, gentle biting on the back of my neck, eyes that glow in the dark


Here are some of the (choke) gems I was matched with:


Name: Mr. Tinkles
Breed: Pure-bred American Short-Hair
Age: 3
Hair: White as the freshly-fallen snow
Eyes: Amber
Interests: I'm a show-cat, so I spend most of my free time practicing my prancing, poses and playful grins.
Turn-ons: Wearing beautiful costumes, winning beauty contests, sitting for photo-shoots, being brushed and powdered, and girl cats...yes, definitely girl cats are what I am wanting to have all the sex with!
My take on him: I should have stopped right away when I saw the ultra-gay photo and name, but I thought I'd give him a chance. As I continued to read about him, though, it became more and more apparent that Tink may not be into chicks. A straight, male cat would have never mentioned snow in describing his hair and eyes, unless he said his eyes looked like puddles of piss a snow-bank. Pretty boys are a no-no for this Empress! Quick Tip for Tink: If you have to tell the girls you're straight...you're not.


Name: Champ
Breed: College Mascot Alumni Mix
Age: 37
Hair: Synthetic, black and white
Eyes: Shiny and plastic
Interests: Dancing to "Who Let the Dogs Out?", Starting "The Wave" at sporting events, break-dancing, sewing jazzy outfits.
Turn-Ons: Cheerleaders and twins.
My take on him: I might be off, but I don't think this cat is really a cat! He totally gives me the creeps! There is nothing worse than a stupid frat boy that can't leave the college "glory days" behind. Quick Tip for Chump...I mean, Champ: If you want to get a girl to come to your bedroom--in your parents' basement, don't wear your embroidered heart on your chest.



Name: GaryLovesBeer
Breed: N/A
Age: 8
Hair: White.
Eyes: Bloodshot
Interests: Beer, resting my hand on my crotch, watching TV, roaming the streets with my boys, looking for food in garbage cans, and beer.
Turn-ons: I love hot looking bitches who are easy. I want to find a chick who will take care of me, but not expect me to do much for her. She won't pitch a fit if I want to hang with my boys and will let me be in charge of the remote control.
My take on him: Yeah...I don't think so. The last thing I need is some old drunk who would screw a hamster if it would hold still enough. My gut says Gary is one of those cats who, because he's been neutered and de-clawed, walks around trying to be a tough guy. He starts fights and pisses all over things to show how incredibly masculine he can be. Quick Tip for Gare-Bear: Queue up your porn, 'cause you're going to be solo for awhile. Stop trolling for skanks and stick with what you're good at--buying beer for under-aged kittens to earn extra money. Also, call your hair what it is: DIRTY!


Name: LEAVEMETHEHELLALONE!!
Breed: Who cares anymore?!
Age: 5
Hair: Well, it WAS brown and gray
Eyes: Green
Interests: Admiring my brilliant owner who, by the way, is HI-LARIOUS! Thinking to shave a cat bald and then take pictures of it is an exceptionally creative way to ridicule your pet!
Turn-ons: The sweet taste of revenge.
My take on him: While I am drawn to his sarcasm (I need to add that to my turn-ons...), this poor cat needs therapy--not a girlfriend! Can you say "anger issues?" Quick Tip for LMTHA: I've got the name of a great therapist (and some clever ideas on how to fuck with your owner and blame it on the dog).


Name: Zeus
Breed: Cat
Age: 7
Hair: Pink
Eyes: Brown
Interests: Chasing cats...NO, I meant cars! Chasing cars, playing fetch, eating children...I misspoke! I meant eating treats!
Turn-ons: Things that are plump, meaty and can't run fast, cats (hanging out with them, not eating them at all--why would I want to eat them?!), walks on the beach, and cats dipped in beef sauce.
My take on him: Ok...I'm not sure, but think this might be a dog! I have to admit, though, I'm attracted to "bad boys," so I just might give him a closer look. Don't judge me! You've seen my options! Quick Tip for the Greek god: Call me!


3 comments:

dominousernamesleft said...

Hey Kukka, if you don't mind I would like to give you some advice. I know that you want that badboy cat/dog to call you but I'm not sure it's a good idea. Do you really want to date something when you are unsure of it's true identity? I mean, what if it is a dog? You know the saying.."Once you go dog, you never go back". I would just be careful. I personally get a good feeling about Gary. I think you should at least meet him one time to see if his eyes are REALLY bloodshot, because it's hard to tell in the pic. And I personally, see nothing wrong with a little beer..or bump and grind which it seems Gary is into. From what I've heard about you...cough..love slut..you might be interested! And as far as LEAVEMETHEHELLALONE, please remove him from your sight, he is scaring the living crap out of me. All the love..DOMINO!

K T Cat said...

HYSTERICAL!

Online Dating - Confonder.com said...

First of all, online dating sites are not just for beautiful ladies. There are tons of reason on why people prefer online dating and I'll give one enough reason. There are few people that are busy enough and don't have even a single minute to go out and spend time on a date. So they prefer to seat back with their laptop and find the perfect match for them.