Friday, July 29, 2005

Top 5 Reasons I Love THE F-WORD
(and I use it throughout, so consider yourself warned...)

They say life is about the simple things...I agree! One of the simple joys I have in my life is the word FUCK. I love saying it! I love hearing it! I even love doing it! There is just no other word that can compare to the grand daddy of all things F.

Here are my top 5 reasons for loving the word FUCK:

  1. It's FORCEFUL
    There is something magical about a word that starts off so softly, only to slap you with a hard K at the end! As on of my favorite comedians, Dane Cook, says, "It's really perfect. It's just FUCK! 'Cause it's got the FFFFF and the UHHHH and the CK!" It's critical that you really embrace the entire word to give it the appropriate amount of force. Correctly said, it's almost three separate syllables! What's hilarious to me is watching the "FRIGGIN' Locomotive" charge down the track with little consequence. I hear everyone throwing that word around like it's an "AND" or a "THE." No one blinks an eye when a 10-year old child says, "Fish sticks for dinner again?! I can't stand friggin' fish sticks!" But seriously...we all know he means, "I can't stand fucking fish sticks!" Somehow his use of FRIGGIN' is okay. Why? It has the same beginning and ending sounds as FUCKING...clearly, we are more comfortable with the gentle caresses of the letter G, than the bitch-slaps of the CK combo. Am I wrong here?

  2. It's FLEXIBLE
    Is it an adjective? Yes! Is it a verb? Uh-huh! Is it a complete sentence unto itself? You betcha! It is a multi-functional gem! FUCK can be used in almost any situation:
    • Your mom is out of cat treats: "What the FUCK?! Do you want me to become skeletal? Do you want me to be anorexic?!"

    • Your favorite cat toy is lost, broken or destroyed: "Fuuuuuck. That suuuuuucks! My favorite cat toy is lost, broken or destroyed!"

    • You knock the treat canister over and treats fall all over the floor for you to feast on: "This is the FUCKIN' BOMB! Brach, get in here quick before mom notices!"

    • A huge dog walks by the window, notices you sitting there minding your own business, lunges toward you and hits his face against the pane: "Mess with the bull, you get the horns, FUCKER!!" (For effect, this is said while making wild paw movements.)

    • A huge dog walks by the OPEN window, notices you sitting there minding your own business, lunges toward you, pops through the screen and sinks his teeth into your neck: "Fuuuuuuuuuck...!"

    • You carry your full bladder to the litterbox, only to find it's not been scooped in, like, 4 days. You flick clumps out on the carpet and mutter: "Fucking A! Do I have to do everything around here?"

  3. It's FUN.
    Here's a little-known fact: Spayed cats hit their sexual peak at age 5. HELLO! I'm there! Using the word, while doing the word...ecstasy.

  4. It's FAMOUS
    According to my calculations (these are not estimates--I have done the math), there are 74,920,099,201 words in the English language that begin with the letter F (margin of error: .548). The fact that it's widely accepted that FUCK is "THE F-Word," is incredible! My grandmother even knows that FUCK is "THE F-Word!" (Of course, I didn't think she knew what blow jobs were until I realized she knew what they were, she just didn't know them by that name. To her it's "whistlin' on the flimflam flute.")

  5. It's FOUL
    In the four-legged animal kingdom, the word FUCK is highly revered! On the human social scale, saying FUCK is more offensive than bare-assing someone's skin (you know, rubbing your sphincter across someone's leg), shitting in your mom's shoes, and coughing up a hairball on someone's forehead when they are sound asleep. Go figure! The fact is this: FUCK is just a simple, four-lettered word that has been given extreme power by our society. It's not a religious issue--it's not called out in any holy book I know. It's not a moral issue--I can use "socially acceptable" words to describe things far more heinous than FUCK. Considering all of this, you need to give the word FUCK some serious respect for having the power to make children scream, old ladies faint, and Republicans vomit without any credentials.
My advice to you: Use the word FUCK every chance you get. It's cleansing! It's exhilarating! It adds 2 years to your life (14 if you're a dog or cat)! Do you need more reasons? FUCK, NO!

1 comment:

dominousernamesleft said...

You are so right! I will fucking use this fucking word every fucking chance I get. I never fucking thought if it like that before! Fucking brilliant! :)