Wednesday, August 31, 2005

My vay-cay with G-G-G-G-GEE-DUBYA!

I've been pretty busy lately...busy vacationing with George W. Bush! Surprisingly, I got the call to join the chief and his crew down at the ranch about a week ago. I say "surprisingly" because I didn't think GW was all too fond of hanging out with Democrats (although, I'm a non-registered Democrat...cats can't vote). Maybe he's more open-minded than I gave him credit for! I have heard he is a huge fan of mine, so I guess it's not that much of a stretch that he extended the invite, after all.

As an Empress, I've had many chances to rub shoulders with high government officials at formal dinners, so the opportunity to "kick-it casual-style" with the president was one I wasn't about to pass up! I have to tell you...factoring in all the laughter (admittedly, I laughed more at him than with him) and tears (mostly tears), it was a vacation I'll never forget!

Here's the journal I kept over the last week:

Day 1:
I'm so excited to head to Crawford, TX today! I'm a little perplexed and upset that GW didn't send Air Force One to pick me up. You invite me, but don't provide top-notch transportation...curious. So, I'm writing this from a cage in the cargo area of a commercial flight (even my celebrity status couldn't prompt the airline to make an exception). I want to make something really clear. If I hear anyone ever complain about flying coach, I think I'll scratch their eyes out! "Caged in cargo" trumps coach any day!

Despite my travel arrangements, I'm pretty jazzed to get a vacation from the strain of lying around at home! GW seemed really excited for my visit. He seems to have a week of fun planned for me. More later, dear diary...more later.

Day 2:
As I approached the ranch yesterday, I was pretty thrilled to see my fans camped out, chanting for me. It appeared they were holding "Welcome Kukka" banners, but it wasn't until the limo got closer, that I realized they weren't shouting for me...they were war protesters. I hope this doesn't continue throughout my entire vacation! I mean, do they honestly expect the leader of the free world to be accountable for his mista...I mean decisions...24 hours a day? Even when he's on vacation? I get that they are upset about the lives lost in a pointless war, but can't we agree that even the president deserves some peace and quiet to "detox" from the stress of the daily grind? PEOPLE, please! Take your banners, crosses, flowers and tears home! You can't expect me to enjoy lounging by the pool when I have to listen to your weeping.

On a side note: Condi Rice is a bitch. She put up quite the front this morning at breakfast--asking how my flight was and spewing other false pleasantries, but I could see her eyeballing me with contempt while she sipped her mimosa. I can't decide whether or not I'll leave visible scratch marks on her face or if I'll passive-aggressively bare-ass her arm when she's not looking. It's a toss-up, really. While it would be great hearing her explain away the scratches to the press corps, knowing she has feline fecal matter smeared on her skin would be fantastic, too. I don't have to decide right now. We'll see how everything progresses.

Day 3:
Karl Rove visited today. If he tries to play "grab-ass" with me one more time, I am going to scream! Can anyone please remind me what the legal precedent is for castrating in self-defense? I'm just curious.

I went fishing this morning. Well, I guess by "fishing," I mean, George and his posse pulled fish into the boat, using poles and nets...I ate them directly out of the basket. Fortunately, GW isn't very good at math and didn't notice the fish deficit at the end of the excursion.

Day 4
Went square dancing tonight...George and Laura's passion. Of course, I didn't have anything appropriate to wear, so I had to borrow some threads. You'll have to check out the US Weekly's Worst Dressed list for a photo...I refuse to post one here.

While it wasn't the best experience, I have to give Dubya props for being so flexible! He was whipping Laura around that floor like nobody's business! You know I hate to be critical, but I think she could have used a bit more ruffle under her skirt. Who would have known the leader of the free world could cut such a mean rug?! I actually had fun tonight! That is, until George took a turn at the caller's microphone with a hearty, "Swing yer pardner round and round...thow 'er in the toilet and flush 'er down!" Everyone giggled uncomfortably while I was looking for the nearest exit.

Day 5:
Went horseback riding with GW. He didn't have an English Side-Saddle, so I had to lie uncomfortably on the back hump of the traditional saddle. Not fun. George thought it was really funny to keep making horse noises. He would ask his horse questions and then answer in the horse voice. I know what you're thinking...sort of a "Mr. Ed" voice, right? No. He neighed and snorted. Over and over. When I didn't laugh, he must have thought I just didn't hear him, so he kept repeating it louder and louder until I offered up a polite chortle. It was absolutely horrifying! The only consolation was that Dick Cheney had a scheduling conflict, so he wasn't able to join us. Even I have my limits...

Day 6:
Went on today to try to get a earlier flight out of his hell.

This morning, GW burst into my bedroom at 5:30am, singing "Boot Scootin' Boogie." When I hissed and swat at him, he nervously explained that he thought I would want to go shoot guns with he and his boys.

I glared at him, passed a little gas, rolled over and went back to sleep.

Day 7:
I couldn't leave quickly enough this morning! I think George is a little depressed at what little amount of fun I had at his ranch. At breakfast, I could tell he was a little down in the mouth, as he didn't even try to strike up a conversation with his Rice Crispies. I heard him mumble something about cutting his vacation short due to Hurricane Katrina and his need to help people cope with the devastation. Sounded like the responsible thing to do, but I suspect his early departure is more about me leaving and less about his constituents.

I can't wait to get home and lie in the sun by the sliding glass door! I suspect GW has a solid schedule of lying to do back at the White House, as well. I tried to cheer him up when I said my goodbyes. "Keep your chin up,'s only another month until your next five-week vacation!"

Thanks for your hospitality, George! I hope we (never) get the chance to do it again!


dominousernamesleft said...

Dear Kukka, you look great on that horse! Gdubya's body looks weird in that picture of you two in your dining room. That body actually looks familiar....hmmmmm. Kukka, what are you doing to help out with hurricane Katrina? I used to work with a girl named Katrina, I wonder if she had anything to do with it, she seemed awfully secretive at times. Maybe her name was, who cares?

Puggyspice said...

Oh you poor dear! You must have suffered post-traumatic stress for quite some time after that boot-scootin' experience.