Saturday, September 03, 2005

"Dear Kukka...", Volume III

I arrived home from my vacation and was met with bag after bag of fan mail. I decided to select some of the most frequently asked questions and answer them here. If you don't see your question answered here, don't get too upset. Just don't ask such a stupid question next time!

Q: Kukka, have you ever considered donating your old award show gowns to be auctioned for charity?
A: I am really surprised at how often I am asked that. Um...I don't mean to be rude, but last I checked, cats don't typically wear clothing (although there are a few exceptions--some of whom are pictured in my "Online Dating is a Bitch" post). I have, however, donated a nude photo of myself for a recent charity auction. Here's a pixilated version.

I would post it in all its glory, but to honor the person who purchased the original (whose name I will not divulge), I won't make it completely available here. I will say, though, that if you want to see the original photo, it hangs over one particular Hollywood Heart-Throb's fire place. Ok...ok! I will tell you his name begins with a "B" and ends with a "Rad Pitt."

Q: Kukka, I've heard rumors that you are considering pulling together a U.S.O. Tour to entertain the troops in Iraq. Is this true? If so, are you taking suggestions on who to invite to participate?
A: Wow! I'll never understand how things like this get leaked, but yes, I can confirm this is true. Diddy (who used to be called "P Diddy" and before that "Puffy" and before that "Puff Daddy" and before that "Sean Combs") and I were discussing the war over a bottle of Cristal the other night. Diddy was talking about the "weapon of mass destruction" he was packing in his Sean John trousers, when I suddenly realized that the troops are probably pretty desperate to see me at this stage in the war. In fact, I'm even pretty sure a couple of them might be ready to come home! was at that point I decided to pull together a U.S.O. Tour.

As for your suggestions on who to invite (or is it "whom?")...I suppose I'd welcome them, but I need to tell you now that I'm leaning toward lesser-known entertainers. Since the Christina Aguilera incident of 2003, I'm not looking to share a stage with a gaggle of celebrity whores.

Q: What kind of car do you drive, Kukka?

A: Wow...I'm not sure where you live, but in my state, they don't license domesticated pets. I don't drive! I am very eco-aware citizen, though, so when I travel, I am typically transported in a stretch Hummer limousine that I've had converted to a hybrid.

Q: I heard you were asked to take over for Kelly Ripa and this fall you are going to be co-hosting "LIVE with Regis and Kukka." Is there any truth to this rumor?
A: First, that rumor is not true. Second, if it were, the show would be called, "LIVE with Kukka and Regis." Third, it would be really awkward for me to do a project with Regis. He is still nursing a broken heart after I ended our affair in late 2001.

Thanks for the questions! Remember...don't always believe what you read in the tabloids. By my calculations, only about 98.3% of tabloid content is true. The rest is a crapload of product ads.

1 comment:

dominousernamesleft said...