Tuesday, September 06, 2005

You heard me correctly...Beer Mirrors!

Remember when you'd go to the skanky and questionably sanitary carnival during your small town's "________ (Fill in the blank with the animal, vegetable or mineral of your choice) Festival?" I don't. I'm a cat and we tend not to hang in the "seedier" areas of town.

BUT...I've been told that at these carnivals, there were always game booths that had rings to be tossed, balloons to be popped, plastic ducks to be capsized, 6"-diameter basketballs to be thrown into 5.99" hoops, etc.

If you were successful in the beating the game, you could win incredibly cheesy prizes that you perceived had amazingly high value the more you worked to get them. So, for $1, you could get 3-5 tosses, pops, capsizes or throws and $15 later, you would have yourself a beautiful stuffed animal, chinese yo-yo, a half-shirt that said, "I'd Rather be Break Dancing", or if you were lucky...a BEER MIRROR!

So why am I getting so nostalgic? Get this. Recently, I was cruising down the road in my Gas/Electric Hybrid Hummer when I passed a house with beer mirrors hung on the outside of the front of their house.

I'm going to let this sink in for a minute.

Yes, ironically, I have converted a stretch Hummer Limo to use a combination of electric and gas power, giving me an average of 50 mpg--60 mpg if I don't run the hot tub when going up-hill!

Oh, and also...

Yes, beer mirrors. I did a complete double-take! What the fuck?!

First off, I didn't think they even MADE these decorative gems anymore! I could have sworn the headline in the Sep 6, 1985 Wall Street Journal read "Beer Mirror Manufacturers Sweat as Orders Take a Sharp Drop."

So...could I just be out of style? Could the beer mirror industry be experiencing an unbelievable comeback in 2005? OR...could they be "vintage" and "collectable" beer mirrors that have been meticulously packed in styrofoam peanuts in a cool, dry place for the last 20 years? Am I missing out on a crazy ebay opportunity here?

On second thought, I don't even want to know if they're new, old, bought at Wal-Mart or at a garage sale. I just want to shake my head, offer a tight-lipped smile and simply appreciate the variety of people that reside in these here United States of America. God bless the family who thought the exterior of their home would be more fashionable with the addition of multiple beer mirrors.

You know, they may be onto something! Beer mirrors could quite possibly be the glue that could heal the cracks in our fractured country! Maybe having beer mirrors on the outside of your house would cause passers-by to stop, look deeply into their own eyes (with Michelob printed prominantly across their face) and say, "Who am I to judge others? Give peace a chance!"

Nah...that's too good to be true. We all know that as soon as the music would swell in the background of that idealistic scene, the loving gaze into their own eyes would be broken, they would turn, spit, and say, "Fuck that! If it ain't a Budweiser mirror, it ain't shit!"

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