Monday, November 28, 2005

Dear Santa

I heard my mom mention to someone the other day that Santa arrived at the local mall just after Halloween this year (duh, mom...what else does this guy have going on?).

I know what Santa's arrival means! It's only a matter of days until she suggests we write our annual letter to Santa, so I think I had better get a jump on it.

My Letter to Santa (with subliminal undertones)

Dear Santa (big, fat loser),

I have been a very good Empress this year (barring the countless bar fights and two unjust arrests for indecent exposure. First off, cats do not, as a rule, wear clothes and secondly, I'm starting to get my life back on track after my stint in rehab. Alcohol=BAD for me), as I am sure you have keenly observed. While there have been many things for which I have received blame (mostly false accusations made by my brother, Brach), I am confident you understand that I am innocent and will reward me justly.

Let's cut the crap and get to the meat of this letter:

My Christmas List

Of course, if you have trouble finding any of the items on the list (which you would only have trouble if you are too stupid to click the links--I made it easy for you this year, pops), please let me know. I am more than happy to help you (fulfill my materialistic desires).

Season's Greetings,
The Empress


Miss Kitty said...

Empress, your letter and list are most impressive. You have given me several ideas for gifts that I must have. Tonight, I begin whispering their names into the two-legged one's ear as she sleeps.

Gigolo Kitty said...

Me Say Pink Feather Bed Is Mmmrraaaaow!!!

Me Want!


PS: Santa Is Mean Old Prune!