Dear Santa

I heard my mom mention to someone the other day that Santa arrived at the local mall just after Halloween this year (duh, mom...what else does this guy have going on?).

I know what Santa's arrival means! It's only a matter of days until she suggests we write our annual letter to Santa, so I think I had better get a jump on it.


My Letter to Santa (with subliminal undertones)

Dear Santa (big, fat loser),

I have been a very good Empress this year (barring the countless bar fights and two unjust arrests for indecent exposure. First off, cats do not, as a rule, wear clothes and secondly, I'm starting to get my life back on track after my stint in rehab. Alcohol=BAD for me), as I am sure you have keenly observed. While there have been many things for which I have received blame (mostly false accusations made by my brother, Brach), I am confident you understand that I am innocent and will reward me justly.

Let's cut the crap and get to the meat of this letter:

My Christmas List

• The Kitty Pod Cat Bed


• 5-Strand Gem Necklace, only in real diamonds


• Furry Mice, only real mice


• Classical CD for Cats


• New dwelling for Brach


• Kitten Follies Gift Basket


• Pink Feather Canopy Bed


• A weekend get-away at the luxurious Cat's Meow Inn


• A commissioned portrait of me!


• Video Catnip on DVD


• I reserve the right to add items as I determine I can not live without them.

Of course, if you have trouble finding any of the items on the list (which you would only have trouble if you are too stupid to click the links--I made it easy for you this year, pops), please let me know. I am more than happy to help you (fulfill my materialistic desires).

Season's Greetings,
The Empress