Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Open Letter to my Agent, Vol 1

Dear Selfish,

There are a couple of things I need to share with you. I keep giving you glaringly obvious clues, but you seem to be a bit dim, so...

Let me spell things out for you:

  • When I am sound asleep between your ankles as I allow you to sleep in my bed at night, I would appreciate it if you would kindly remain in one position. The tossing and turning shit really needs to stop. There is no excuse for you to be so restless--sleeping in one position for 6-8 hours is not that hard. Learn.
  • Do not make me ask for treats more than once. You act like you don't know what I want, but when I quickly stride to the big, cold box, look at you with longing eyes and squeak; I'm not just making small talk. Oh, and by the way, thanks for putting the treats in the fridge now, so when I work my way into the old treat cupboard, there is no longer a tangible reward.
  • Could you please keep an eye on my brother, the string addict? Either he doesn't remember how swallowing string caused him to have major surgery to patch 18 holes in his intestines, or he is suicidal (he does look a little depressed lately). Either way, he requires some one on one supervision (which might just get you off of my case for a bit, thankyouverymuch).
  • Thanks for putting the bird feeder just outside of the window so we can do some bird-watching each day. It is not at all a tease and we are not at all frustrated (was the sarcasm lost in print? If you could only hear the tone of my meow on this one...).
  • When there is a spider or random bug crawling on the wall or carpet, puh-leeeeease allow us to hunt it. I know it's not "fashionable" to have insects crawling in the home, but as indoor cats, we don't get much of a chance to hunt. When you swoop in with a shriek and a paper towel, it is sort of a buzz-kill.
  • Do not give me dirty looks or the "Behave!" lecture when I crawl into the chair with my sleeping brother and sit on his head until he leaves. Brach and I have an understanding and we do not appreciate your interference in the matter.
  • Do not complain when you find me lying in a basket of clean laundry. I've seen where the clean laundry is supposed to be stored and it certainly is not in a laundry basket. I can not be tried and convicted of using your laundry as cushy for my tushy if you are simply too lazy to put it in the dresser or closet.

If you have any questions about what I've stated here, I invite you to discuss it with me. I am more than happy to help you become the mother I need you to be (read: You get three strikes, bitch!).

Her Royal Highness

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