Friday, December 02, 2005

"Dear Kukka...", Volume V (Holiday Edition)

Again with the letters! Oy!

People! My mailbag is full! I've already received Holiday Cards from Jen Aniston (BFF), Brad & Angelina (yes, I was a friend o' Brad long before she entered the picture), Erik Estrada (we met at a charity event...I can't seem to shake him), Daddy Mack or Mack Daddy from the 80's rap prodigy Kriss Kross (I don't know which...) and GW Bush! All of this reading is taking a huge chunk out of my sleeping time.

Despite my almost unbearable fatigue, I will now take a few minutes to address some of my holiday mail from the fans:

Q: Kukka, I have a two part question: First, in a previous post, you outlined a very extensive wish-list for Mr. Santa Claus. Considering the dismal economic trend, the high-price of reindeer food, the pending strike of the Elf Union at the north pole, etc., do you think it's fair to make such demands? And do you really expect Mr. Claus to deliver?
A: Yes and yes.

Q: Empress, I've recently heard a lot of static about cats ruining the "Christmas Tree Experience" by tipping over trees. What say you?
A: First off, let me address this idea that people blame cats for everything that goes wrong. This needs to stop! YES, I like to climb into the tree. YES, I like to chew on and fling ornaments. YES, I like to nibble on electric cords. And, YES, I do not have a Master's Degree in Physics so I don't realize (until it's too late) that the higher up the tree I get, the more likely the tree will overturn. Come on, humans! I've heard you bragging to your friends that your ability to troubleshoot, predict and reason are some of the very things that make you superior to other living creatures. Let's use some of those skills! The Family Handyman Magazine has some suggestions on how to keep your tree upright--if you're too drunk on eggnog to figure it out for yourself.

Q: Me dog. Me like bones. Me like eat cats.
A: Ok. Keep on keeping on, brother!

Q: I see my humans hanging socks on the mantle on Christmas Eve and finding them full of treats from Santa on Christmas Morning. I don't wear socks--how will Santa know where to leave my goodies?
A: I suggest a carefully planned attack on the man in red when he pays a visit. My experience guess is that when he finds his face full o' claw, he's much more willing to let you direct him as to where to place your gifts. I would volunteer to help you out, but Mr. Kringle has had an active restraining order against me since 2001. Good Luck!


Gigolo Kitty said...

Most Excellent Advice!

About Santa: Me Say, Sue The Trespasser! He Has No Business Breaking And Entering Into Respectable Homes!

moseskitty said...

What people don't understand is that tipping over Christmas trees is PART of the Christmas tree expiriance