Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Too bad for John G. Roberts

According to People Magazine, the Supreme Court (uh...yes...the highest court in the land) announced on Tuesday that it would hear Anna Nicole Smith's appeal in the case of her dead husband's estate in January. (You'd think that would be the punchline, wouldn't you?!)

This is a timely announcement, as John G. Roberts' Supreme Court nomination is scheduled to go in front of the entire U.S. Senate on September 29. I'll bet he was hoping to avoid having this party photo of he and Ms. Smith surface prior to his confirmation.

In a related story, George W. Bush announced Monday that Sugar Pie is his official nominee to replace William Rehnquist. The Senate Judicial Committee will begin confirmation hearings later this month.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Is it possible to care less?

Ok. I have to take a moment to talk about what I perceive to be the gross mis-use of a couple of common phrases in the English language.

First, it troubles me when I hear people say, "I could care less." Understandably, they are trying to say that whatever is going on is of no real concern to them. If that's the case, shouldn't they say, "I couldn't care less?" I mean, "I could care less" implies that it is possible for them to care even less about the situation than they currently do. If they are trying to say it doesn't matter, I believe "I couldn't care less" is more accurate. "I couldn't care less" says that there is no smaller amount of caring they can do about a situation...they are at the rock-bottom of caring about whatever is going on.

There is one other that comes to mind: the word "arguably." Let's use it in a sentence. "The GM Hummer is arguably the biggest gas-guzzler on the roads today." Ok...I understand that we're trying to say that it can be argued that the Hummer uses the most gas. But, if we really stood by our statement, wouldn't it be more accurate to say "The GM Hummer is inarguably the biggest gas-guzzler on the roads today?" I mean, saying you can not argue against the that is really taking a stand! "There is no reason to even discuss it! My point can not be argued. It is fact! It is inarguably true!"

I have to commend Jon Stewart from the Daily Show. Last week, I heard him use the word "inarguably." I wanted to stand and applaud. It was just another reason that he is my secret boyfriend (so secret that he doesn't even know about our relationship).

I think these pet peeves of mind are inarguably the most annoying grammatical errors that exist in the English language (aside from overuse of ellipses...guilty as charged!). But, then, you probably couldn't care less about what I think.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

You heard me correctly...Beer Mirrors!

Remember when you'd go to the skanky and questionably sanitary carnival during your small town's "________ (Fill in the blank with the animal, vegetable or mineral of your choice) Festival?" I don't. I'm a cat and we tend not to hang in the "seedier" areas of town.

BUT...I've been told that at these carnivals, there were always game booths that had rings to be tossed, balloons to be popped, plastic ducks to be capsized, 6"-diameter basketballs to be thrown into 5.99" hoops, etc.

If you were successful in the beating the game, you could win incredibly cheesy prizes that you perceived had amazingly high value the more you worked to get them. So, for $1, you could get 3-5 tosses, pops, capsizes or throws and $15 later, you would have yourself a beautiful stuffed animal, chinese yo-yo, a half-shirt that said, "I'd Rather be Break Dancing", or if you were lucky...a BEER MIRROR!

So why am I getting so nostalgic? Get this. Recently, I was cruising down the road in my Gas/Electric Hybrid Hummer when I passed a house with beer mirrors hung on the outside of the front of their house.

I'm going to let this sink in for a minute.

Yes, ironically, I have converted a stretch Hummer Limo to use a combination of electric and gas power, giving me an average of 50 mpg--60 mpg if I don't run the hot tub when going up-hill!

Oh, and also...

Yes, beer mirrors. I did a complete double-take! What the fuck?!

First off, I didn't think they even MADE these decorative gems anymore! I could have sworn the headline in the Sep 6, 1985 Wall Street Journal read "Beer Mirror Manufacturers Sweat as Orders Take a Sharp Drop."

So...could I just be out of style? Could the beer mirror industry be experiencing an unbelievable comeback in 2005? OR...could they be "vintage" and "collectable" beer mirrors that have been meticulously packed in styrofoam peanuts in a cool, dry place for the last 20 years? Am I missing out on a crazy ebay opportunity here?

On second thought, I don't even want to know if they're new, old, bought at Wal-Mart or at a garage sale. I just want to shake my head, offer a tight-lipped smile and simply appreciate the variety of people that reside in these here United States of America. God bless the family who thought the exterior of their home would be more fashionable with the addition of multiple beer mirrors.

You know, they may be onto something! Beer mirrors could quite possibly be the glue that could heal the cracks in our fractured country! Maybe having beer mirrors on the outside of your house would cause passers-by to stop, look deeply into their own eyes (with Michelob printed prominantly across their face) and say, "Who am I to judge others? Give peace a chance!"

Nah...that's too good to be true. We all know that as soon as the music would swell in the background of that idealistic scene, the loving gaze into their own eyes would be broken, they would turn, spit, and say, "Fuck that! If it ain't a Budweiser mirror, it ain't shit!"

Saturday, September 03, 2005

"Dear Kukka...", Volume III

I arrived home from my vacation and was met with bag after bag of fan mail. I decided to select some of the most frequently asked questions and answer them here. If you don't see your question answered here, don't get too upset. Just don't ask such a stupid question next time!

Q: Kukka, have you ever considered donating your old award show gowns to be auctioned for charity?
A: I am really surprised at how often I am asked that. Um...I don't mean to be rude, but last I checked, cats don't typically wear clothing (although there are a few exceptions--some of whom are pictured in my "Online Dating is a Bitch" post). I have, however, donated a nude photo of myself for a recent charity auction. Here's a pixilated version.

I would post it in all its glory, but to honor the person who purchased the original (whose name I will not divulge), I won't make it completely available here. I will say, though, that if you want to see the original photo, it hangs over one particular Hollywood Heart-Throb's fire place. Ok...ok! I will tell you his name begins with a "B" and ends with a "Rad Pitt."

Q: Kukka, I've heard rumors that you are considering pulling together a U.S.O. Tour to entertain the troops in Iraq. Is this true? If so, are you taking suggestions on who to invite to participate?
A: Wow! I'll never understand how things like this get leaked, but yes, I can confirm this is true. Diddy (who used to be called "P Diddy" and before that "Puffy" and before that "Puff Daddy" and before that "Sean Combs") and I were discussing the war over a bottle of Cristal the other night. Diddy was talking about the "weapon of mass destruction" he was packing in his Sean John trousers, when I suddenly realized that the troops are probably pretty desperate to see me at this stage in the war. In fact, I'm even pretty sure a couple of them might be ready to come home! was at that point I decided to pull together a U.S.O. Tour.

As for your suggestions on who to invite (or is it "whom?")...I suppose I'd welcome them, but I need to tell you now that I'm leaning toward lesser-known entertainers. Since the Christina Aguilera incident of 2003, I'm not looking to share a stage with a gaggle of celebrity whores.

Q: What kind of car do you drive, Kukka?

A: Wow...I'm not sure where you live, but in my state, they don't license domesticated pets. I don't drive! I am very eco-aware citizen, though, so when I travel, I am typically transported in a stretch Hummer limousine that I've had converted to a hybrid.

Q: I heard you were asked to take over for Kelly Ripa and this fall you are going to be co-hosting "LIVE with Regis and Kukka." Is there any truth to this rumor?
A: First, that rumor is not true. Second, if it were, the show would be called, "LIVE with Kukka and Regis." Third, it would be really awkward for me to do a project with Regis. He is still nursing a broken heart after I ended our affair in late 2001.

Thanks for the questions! Remember...don't always believe what you read in the tabloids. By my calculations, only about 98.3% of tabloid content is true. The rest is a crapload of product ads.