Thursday, December 29, 2005

Do I look fat in this collar?

Mom received an email from Iams today that asked, "How Can I Tell if My Cat is Overweight?" She immediately started talking about New Year's Resolutions (whatever) and asked if we were ready to start a "new food regimen." I farted, blinked slowly, and turned my back on her.

While the article had some good tips and tricks, I thought I would attempt to answer that question on my own.

How can I tell if my cat is overweight?
  • The skin keeps swaying long after she has stopped walking
  • No amount of brushing can arrange his fur to disguise his bulging pot belly
  • She has to lay down on the bed and use a coat hanger to fasten her collar
  • He is constantly asking to "super size" his kibble order
  • When she climbs onto the opposite end of the couch, your end lifts off the ground like a teeter-totter
  • He needs you to lift and place him on beds, chairs, and couches because there isn't enough room for him to get a good running start
  • When you turn your back for a moment, your sandwich disappears from your plate and all that is left is a cat, licking her chops
  • He politely asks you to lick his butt because he can't reach it

What do you think? Do you have any other tell-tale signs?

Let's hear 'em!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

High on Christmas

My mom made some "Catnip Biscuits" (she double knits squares with yarn remnants and then fills them with catnip) for Brach and I.

I was sooooo stoned last night! From what everyone is telling me today, I was the life of the party!

As legend has it, after playing with a Catnip Biscuit for several minutes, I was seen running in circles and then charging down the hallway. I ran--full-force--toward the bedroom door frame, jumped up, used my claws to dig into the wood and hung in mid-air for what seemed like an hour (but was more like 5-7 seconds).

It wasn't long after that when I crossed from fun-loving-stoner to beligerent-and-disobediant-pain-in-the-ass-druggie. I proceeded to prod the laundry closet door over and over again, in an attempt to break in. From the police reports, I learned that my mom kept hissing, "KUKKA! STOP THAT RIGHT THIS MINUTE!" and turned the water bottle on me well over 20 times.

After my fur was completely drenched from the spray bottle, I finally passed out under the piano bench.

No one will make eye contact with me today.

I should really seek a 12-step program...or at least try to steal the car keys next time.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

How are you supposed to work these things, anyway?

I won't be certain until I run a series of conclusive tests, but my initial finding is that I'm not any warmer using the gloves than without them!

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Brains of the Operation

Greetings, Cyber-Felines!

This week, Kukka has done nothing but complain about having to write for her blog, so to stifle her whining, I decided to post in her place (thank you, Derby, for the suggestion).

I'm not sure what Kukka has already told you about me, so, if you business card:

Anyway, since I've been given this opportunity to voice my opinions, I'm going to start at the top of my "pet-peeve" list and work my way down.

Let's talk about BOSSY SISTERS.

Last night, I was lying in the corner of the couch, peacefully napping. Kukka jumped up next to me and began gently licking my forehead. THIS wasn't a problem. In fact, I am very fond of her helping me groom from time to time.

It is what happened next that royally ticked me off!

With no warning, she began pressing her front paws into my side several times, before actually choosing to stand on me. Within seconds, I was yanked from my dream by sharp, clawed feet walking over my body!

She proceeded to stand on me until I finally gave in. I moved from the couch to the chair and looked back at her. She smiled at me, blinked slowly and threw herself down into the corner of the couch for a nap.


Maybe I should add "President and Founder of SKANK (Super Kitties Against Naughty Kukka)" to my business card...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Desperately Seeking Kukka

I've learned there are some very unique ways people have been led to my blog, based on some of the more interesting search terms I've seen on my "referrals" page.

Take a look at some of the search terms that point my direction:
  • "Turkeys Fluffies"
  • "Dog's Saggy Belly"
  • "Brad and Angelina buying a Christmas Tree"
  • "Screech Powers Saved by the Bell"
  • "Saggy Belly"
  • And my favorite: "I AM LOOKING AT HUMMERS AND CATS"

Should I be offended that "Saggy Belly" appeared twice? I'm not. I embrace my flab. Of course, it doesn't suprise me that I'm associated with Brad and Angelina (Brad links to me from his private blog).

Funny stuff.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Blogcat Moms & Dads

Have you ever watched Bravo's Showbiz Moms and Dads or Showdog Moms and Dads? If you have, then you understand how I'm feeling today.

I don't want to blog right now, but my mother is making me. I would much rather be tucked into my warm bed because it is snowing and blowing outside.

Instead, the first thing my mom said to me this morning was, "Rise and shine, Kukka-girl! After you brush your teeth, you need to blog!" I snorted and rolled over, wishing she had a snooze button. If I were to tell her I didn't want to blog, I'd never hear the end of it. Of course, it would be worse if I revealed I don't really brush my teeth every day, like she believes. I just run the toothbrush under the water so if she checks, I'm covered.

I think my mom is more excited about this whole blogging thing than I am. I believe this, despite the fact she tells me (and all of her friends) that it's "all about Kukka" and if I ever told her I didn't want to blog anymore, "it would be questions asked." Right...

Two weeks ago, she said, "Kukka...before dinner, let's have a brainstorming session on post topics. We'll do it in rapid-fire format. I'll suggest one, and then you suggest one! We need to come up with some stellar material for your blog, sweetie!"

This was my first blog post suggestion: I yawned, farted, and found a quiet and warm corner of the couch in which to lie down.

Last week, she got the digital camera out--again--to take photos for my blog. "Lift your head up and look at the camera, Kukka-monster! Come on...look at mommy! We need some new headshots!"

Then, this weekend, she decided she needed some candids, as well! Saturday afternoon, as I briskly pawed my way around the litterbox in an attempt to bury my latest deposit, I was suddenly blinded by flashes. I glared at her, turned my back and flicked some litter onto the carpet. Sunday afternoon, Brach and I had just settled into our laundry-basket bed under the piano bench, when I was awoken by the grating sounds of "Ohhh...aren't they cuuuuuuute..." and clicks of the camera. There she was again--my paparazzi mother.

Last night was the last straw. I overheard her talking about me and the blog on the telephone. "I swear! I am so busy lately...supporting Kukka and this little 'blog' of hers. If she didn't insist upon expressing her creativity in this manner, I would scrap the whole thing.'s a mother's duty to help realize her child's dream, so I'll do whatever it takes, right?"'s all about me! UGH! Thank goodness I opted not to be in show-business (despite all of the pressure from the industry to reconsider). It would be hard enough to find time to nap if I were having to regularly appear on red carpets, but being disturbed by my Blogcat Mom once I did find time to rest would be horrible!

Now where did that blanket go?

Friday, December 09, 2005

Thanks for the Fake Memories...

I have an assignment for all of the creative feline (and some-not-so-feline) bloggers out there. This can be a fun project, if we all put our thinking caps on (I think mine is stuck under the couch with ¾ of my toy mice).

In the comments section of this post, I am asking ALL OF YOU (yes even you, the casual passerby) to share a COMPLETELY FAKE AND MADE-UP MEMORY of you and I. It can be short or long...just be creative! Search your mind for all of the fake memories you and I have shared throughout the years. You know they number in the thousands...

I will comment on each fake memory shared. I encourage you to start the same project on your blog! It will be fun walking down Fake Memory Lane with you! I will be checking your blogs and will be sure to share many of my own fake memories of fun times we've shared.

Are you game?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Alright, who told Brach?!

Somehow, Brach happened upon my blog and noticed there were no baby pictures of him posted. So, to stifle the incessant whining, I've agreed to post some of his best baby shots here for all to see.

Yes, I know he wasn't as cute as a baby as I was, but keep this in mind: he is not of royal blood. Also, if I remember correctly, my mom was going through an "artsy black and white photo" phase. This was prior to her buying a digital camera. I'm glad she has her crap together now!

This was one of the first times he played with the battery-operated mouse chaser. You know, when I think about it, I think my mom bought that especially for his arrival! Hmmm...

I remember not wanting to sit back and allow this new guy to play with my toys. I made sure to make my presence known. After all, I was there an entire year before he showed up!

For the first few days, we spent a lot of time playing under the sweater rack. I would hide and attack Brach when he would pass by. Once he learned to do the same to me, I was fed up with the game.

This is a shot of him sleeping under the coffee table. For the first few days, he would hide from me...although, I am not clear why. Aren't swats at the face and bits on the neck generally accepted greeting practices? If you look closely, you can see how tiny he was compared to the soccer shoe he's snuggled against.

This is my favorite--mom's too. Mom's friend, Andy, came over to see the new baby and Brach sat, looking up at Andy when he was getting ready to leave. Again, he is so small compared to Andy's shoes!

Against my better judgment (because shouldn't the Empress have more baby photos of herself posted on her own blog?!), I am posting an extra picture of Brach. This one is in color, so you can see how pretty he really was.

Even though I pretend I'm disturbed by his presence, I am glad mom adopted Brach. Before he came to live with us, I was very lonely. I had come from an extensive royal family--with many brothers and sisters--to a quiet home with just a human lady. I enjoy playing with Brach and (if you repeat this, I will adamantly deny, deny, deny) I would consider him my best friend. One might even suggest...I love him.

I've said too much...

Monday, December 05, 2005

You must've been a beautiful baby

At first, when my mom started browsing through my baby pictures this weekend, I was upset. First off, with the tabloids constantly hounding me, it's safe to assume you will see many of my baby snapshots in US Weekly, The Enquirer, Star Mag, Ok!, etc. I always feel so violated when they print private things about me!

After I looked through them with her, however, I realized it is probably, critical that people see these! I was adorable! I promise, you will live a more fulfilling life after seeing the beautiful, beautiful, precious baby named Kukka-Maria.

Aren't we all glad I grew into those ears? This was the day I went to the vet for the first time. They had tested for ear mites (that's why my ears looked so oily and clean), taken my temperature for the first time (I don't even want to tell you where they stuck the thermometer), and gave me a general work-up.

This is me and mom taking a nap. It was so toasty sleeping in the bibs. Last week, I tried the same thing, but mom wouldn't have it. Something about her not being able to breathe
with my "excess weight." Whatever...

This is after a solid afternoon of play. Mom bought TONS of toys for me. Clearly, they did the trick! I was exhausted!

This is one of my first meals. I talk a lot about wanting to return to my lost empire, but I do have a confession to make: When I was still in my homeland, I was being fed human baby food rice. I terrible! When I arrived at my new home and tasted real cat food, I can not tell you how happy I was. After my first meal, I joined my new mom on the couch and walked around and around her head, purring and rubbing against her, to show her my appreciation. She thought about naming me "Cabeza" (Spanish for "head") because of that, but then realized, after getting to know me better, I needed a more regal name.

I used to play and sleep on my mom's old PURDUE sweatshirt. WOW! I was so tiny and cute! I know...there is a smart-ass out there saying, "You were so cute! What happened, Kukka?"


By the way, if you happen upon my brother, Brach, please don't tell him about this gorgeous display. He would be jealous that I'm getting so much attention. That always happens with felines of inferior physical beauty...

Friday, December 02, 2005

"Dear Kukka...", Volume V (Holiday Edition)

Again with the letters! Oy!

People! My mailbag is full! I've already received Holiday Cards from Jen Aniston (BFF), Brad & Angelina (yes, I was a friend o' Brad long before she entered the picture), Erik Estrada (we met at a charity event...I can't seem to shake him), Daddy Mack or Mack Daddy from the 80's rap prodigy Kriss Kross (I don't know which...) and GW Bush! All of this reading is taking a huge chunk out of my sleeping time.

Despite my almost unbearable fatigue, I will now take a few minutes to address some of my holiday mail from the fans:

Q: Kukka, I have a two part question: First, in a previous post, you outlined a very extensive wish-list for Mr. Santa Claus. Considering the dismal economic trend, the high-price of reindeer food, the pending strike of the Elf Union at the north pole, etc., do you think it's fair to make such demands? And do you really expect Mr. Claus to deliver?
A: Yes and yes.

Q: Empress, I've recently heard a lot of static about cats ruining the "Christmas Tree Experience" by tipping over trees. What say you?
A: First off, let me address this idea that people blame cats for everything that goes wrong. This needs to stop! YES, I like to climb into the tree. YES, I like to chew on and fling ornaments. YES, I like to nibble on electric cords. And, YES, I do not have a Master's Degree in Physics so I don't realize (until it's too late) that the higher up the tree I get, the more likely the tree will overturn. Come on, humans! I've heard you bragging to your friends that your ability to troubleshoot, predict and reason are some of the very things that make you superior to other living creatures. Let's use some of those skills! The Family Handyman Magazine has some suggestions on how to keep your tree upright--if you're too drunk on eggnog to figure it out for yourself.

Q: Me dog. Me like bones. Me like eat cats.
A: Ok. Keep on keeping on, brother!

Q: I see my humans hanging socks on the mantle on Christmas Eve and finding them full of treats from Santa on Christmas Morning. I don't wear socks--how will Santa know where to leave my goodies?
A: I suggest a carefully planned attack on the man in red when he pays a visit. My experience guess is that when he finds his face full o' claw, he's much more willing to let you direct him as to where to place your gifts. I would volunteer to help you out, but Mr. Kringle has had an active restraining order against me since 2001. Good Luck!