Tuesday, January 24, 2006


Dear Mom,

I am sorry we ran an ad to get rid of you. You are not the mean ogre we painted you out to be. In fact, there are many things I love about you:

  • I love that we have a bedtime ritual wherein I wait for you to get into bed and then stand on top of you and paw at you until you pet me. You never complain! You simply pet me until I tire of it and walk away.
  • I love that you defend me against Kukka. When I am sound asleep on the couch and she decides to stand on my body until I wake up and vacate the comfortable (and now warm) spot, you scold her and tell her to leave me alone.
  • I love that you've recognized how much I enjoy having the spray bottle sprayed continuously in my open mouth until my entire beard is drenched. You could have deterred me from this activity by violently spraying me in the face when I got too close (which, by the way, would have been more effective in the scope of discipline by keeping the threat of the bottle alive and well), but you decided that pleasing me was more important than keeping me from trying to get into the laundry closet. What a mom!
  • I love how, when you get the vacuum cleaner out, you wait for me to strategize my escape from the room before you turn it on. Because of the placement of the vacuum, sometimes this takes up to a solid minute (while I work to determine the route that will keep me as far away from the vacuum as possible) for me to actually leave the room. You just stand and wait patiently. Thank you!

All in all, mom, you are a great person to have around. I am not just writing this apology because you found yesterday's blog entry and told us we needed to apologize before we would get any more treats or because we came to realize we lack the upper-body strength to retrieve the food bag from the top cupboard or the treats from the refrigerator. I am writing this because I love you and would be terribly sad if you were to go to "a barely tolerable home."

(a.k.a. Brach O. Lee, B-Rock, Boo-Boo and whatever other nickname you come up with, find amusing and proceed to call me--especially in front of your visiting friends)

Dear Mommy-Dearest,

First off, let me explain that I am the real victim in this situation. Your son, Brach, is diabolical and will stop at nothing to get me in trouble. It was not my idea to try to get rid of you! No way!! In fact, Mom, I defended you! I tried to remind Brach of all the nice things you do for us and why it is in our best interest to keep you around.

Having said that, I understand you are expecting me to write an apology for my (or as I reminded you in the first paragraph...BRACH'S) behavior yesterday.

I am sorry you felt sad when you read Brach's ad. I am sorry that I left it on the coffee table where you were sure to find it so Brach would get in trouble. (Actually, I am really sorry I did that! I forgot my name was on it, too...) I am sorry you cried and I am sorry I laughed when you did.

I hope you decide to stay in my house with Brach and me. If you were to leave, I might miss the following things:

  • How you invite me on your lap when you watch TV. You pet me until I fall asleep and sometimes neglect your own needs (thirst, hunger, etc) so not to disturb me. When you do have to get up (bathroom, phone, etc), you tell me how sorry you are to disturb me and tell me not to go far because you'll be right back.
  • How you know that one of my favorite things is to have the inside of my ears rubbed. I adore how, when I'm in complete ecstasy as you rub my ears, I look up at you--past my third eyelid--and see you smiling. I'm not made of wood, mom...you know how to get to me!
  • How you sing to me (even though I pretend to find it annoying). When I hear you sing, "Oh Kukka, you're so fine...you're so fine you blow my mind! Hey, Kukka! Hey, Kukka!" or "Kuuuuuuuuuuukka-Mariiiiiiiiiiiiia!" (to the tune of Ave Maria), my insides flutter with glee.
  • How you wiggle your fingers to indicate you are ready to give me scratches. All that is required of me is to place myself under those waggling fingers and I am in heaven. You make filling my "love tank" very easy for me.

So, Mom, I am sorry Brach hurt you. I expect you will punish him with the spray bottle. If you find you need reinforcement, I am more than happy to inflict my punishment on him, too. Your call.

The Empress Kukka-Maria
(Oh, and since Brach listed his nicknames, I want to take this opportunity to ask that you refrain from calling me Kukka-Monster and Kookie. They are very degrading names...)


Les Trois Chats said...

Mom, I think these two are pulling a bit of heavy-duty backpeddaling. Whaddaya think?? ;-)

(great post!)


moseskitty said...

Suck ups.

Kukka-Maria said...

WHOA! Who are you calling a suck up, Moses!? I think my forced apology was unfair (and quite insincere), but the idea of going without food, fresh water and treats was unbearable.

What choice did I have?

As far as calling Brach a "suck up?" That is completely justified.

Patches & Mittens said...

Mine Mom always helps us with a get away plan when Vacumn Monster comes out. Sometimes she carries us up into the closet hidey hole. Yup, her loves us.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Yeah, we agree with Moses. It's being laid so thick you almost need the hip boots. But if their Mom buys it, so what?

Good Moms are hard to find.

The Meezers said...

we agree with Moses and the Crew. Anyone got a shovel? Sorry you were forced to 'pologize, but sometimes it's best to let the humums think they have the upper hand.

Derby said...

Don't get rid of the mom. But yes you are doing the BS, MS, PHD route here. Bullsh**, More sh**, piled high & Deep.

Go find your hip boots.

beau said...

Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do to get your needs met and keep the humans around! It was beautiful!

Oscar the Wonder Cat said...

Gee you guys got into trouble huh - I might be laughing a little and wagging my backside at you and saying "nah nah nah nah nah, you got into trouble, nah nah nah nah nah" hehe. My mum said that i shouldn't laugh as if she had found out I did something like that, I would be doing more than apologising.

William said...

Kukka, don't read this part:
Brach, I can tell you love your mom a whole lot. Further, I really don't think you were the instigator. Sisters are notorious for getting us into trouble.

Kukka, this part is for you:
Empress, my highest complements to your royal photographer, who has managed to capture your regalness with exquisite skill. I am in awe of your serene beauty.