Tuesday, January 31, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume VI

Again, my email box is filled to the rim with inquiries into my semi-private life. As I am prone to do on occasion, I will now take a few moments to answer some of the pressing questions recently posed to me.

If you do not see your submitted question in print this time, do not fear. It is only because I thought your questions weren't worth answering...at all. You will not be receiving a private response from me, nor from my assistant (my mom has way too much to do to meet my needs; she doesn't have time to respond to lame inquiries).

Let's get this party started!

Q: I always hear humans say, "That dog stinks! He needs a bath because he smells like DOG!" Why don't you ever hear that cats smell like "cat?"
A: It all comes down to the saliva with which we clean ourselves. First, dogs have perpetually bad breath. It doesn't take a scientist to determine that if you bathe in sewer water, you're going to smell like crap! More importantly, though, cats have enchanted saliva. The colorless, odorless nectar of a cat's mouth not only prevents stench, it actually combats it. Some studies have shown that clothing laundered in cat spit smells fresher, lasts longer and fades slower!*

Q: Kukka, your whiskers always look so well-groomed. What is your secret?
A: Candle snuffing. Whenever you see a burning candle, bravely stick your face above flame. Stand still, inhale deeply and listen to your whiskers as they singe (leaving a delightful curly-q end). This treatment has always been a favorite tool to combat split ends. Yes, it hurts. But who said beauty was painless?

Q: You've been photographed on many red carpets wearing some of the most exquisite frocks I have ever seen. Kukka, who is your favorite designer and how can I buy many of the pieces you have worn?
A: First off, it is so incredibly nice that you acknowledge my extreme popularity. Thank you! Let me begin with your final question. You can not buy the clothes I wear. I never buy off-the-rack, so you will never see common cats dressed in Kukka-wear. As for my favorite designer? It depends on the occasion. If I had a cat treat for every designer that contacts me, asking that I be photographed wearing their clothes, I would never have to ask my mom for snacks ever again! While Dolce & Gabanna, Jean Paul Gaultier and Randolph Duke have been favorites I have to say my proudest fashion moment was when--after a recent catnip binge, Coco Chanel came back from the dead, asking to design for me. Shut up! She totally did!

Q: Kukka, my mother expects me to share a litter box with my younger sister. I find it incredibly disgusting and demeaning. Should I take a firm stand or should I concede?
A: Before you go and shit in your mother's shoes, let's explore your options. Yes, it's incredibly disgusting...but humans share toilets! She's not asking you to do something she is not willing to do herself. Human toilets, however, flush. And they have rules regarding their use (something about flushing brown down and letting yellow mellow). Establish rules of your own with your sister. When Brach came to live with us and my mom suggested we share a box, I demanded she draft and post what became known as "The Manure Manifesto" (we also considered naming it "The Dung Declaration"). It basically states that if I approach the box and a turd is afloat, he is expected to bury the recycled kibble immediately. There are just some things I will not tolerate!

Q: Dear Sir: My name is Mahmud Zubaydah and I am the cat of the former Nigerian Director of Finance. My late owner acquired great wealth through the over influencing of price of sales/purchasing of raw materials. His last will was that I, his most trusted feline companion, invest his wealth in the richest and most powerful nations before the current Nigerian government seizes his assets and freezes his accounts. Please furnish me with your bank account number and financial institution details so that I can entrust 20% of his wealth to you. Thank you and God bless, Mahmud.
A: Yeah, ok. You keep refreshing your email box and anxiously await that banking info, Mahmud! Hiss....

*Any scientific claims made in this blog post are the sole opinion of the author and are in no way to be construed as fact.


Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Very enlightening Kukka! We're gonna show mom the cat spit article.

Edsel/The Pooch said...

oh my gawd, you should get syndicated. RIGHT AWAY!

Boni said...

I wonder if Mahmud is still waiting for your banking info. He's still waiting for mine. Funny he emailed both of us.

Patches & Mittens said...

First of all, you look fetching in them glasses!

Wow, we heard from Mahmud too! What's up with that?

William said...

Kukka, another ab fab post! I don't know what we did before we had access to you!

Gigolo Kitty said...

20%?? I'd hold out for 50%.

Les Trois Chats said...

That Mahmud fellow should clearly try his luck with dogs, because that sh** don't fly with cats. We're just too intelligent.

Thank you for your advice, Kukka. I gave Moose a good hiney-bite this morning when he rushed me in the sun spot. He was very confused. Is that because he's young, or because he's a boy??

~ turtle

Athena said...

Y'all know I love you, but please stay away from Mahmud. He and I have a deal.

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Beau said...

Mahmud needs a reality check (but not the money kind of check)! heehee! An excellent column!

beingmccrary said...

Dear Kukka,
I have a dog who ate a whole bowl of dip made for my BF while he watched the football game...do you think she was hungry or was this an act of jealousy caused by the stupidity of football?

Kukka-Maria said...

Dear Stacey,

Dogs are stupid. The day I can interpret a dog's actions is the day I start thinking like a dog.

I don't ever want that, so I'll just stick with the "dogs are stupid" approach.

The Empress