Monday, January 16, 2006

Wax on...Wax off...

The Agent waxed her eyebrows this weekend and it brought up horrifying flashbacks for me.

One evening, in or around the summer of 2000, The Agent heated up the eyebrow wax in the microwave and brought the container into the bathroom on a paper plate. She sat the warm concoction on the counter and turned to get the linen wax strips from the cabinet.

When she turned back, I was standing over the wax. (See an artist's rendering of the situation) (Oh, and Brach got his paws on the artwork and did some work with a red pen...please disregard any red ink)

I stood there, smiling, thinking I was about to eat whatever she just took from the microwave. When The Agent turned back around to see me standing over the wax, she panicked.

Trying not to startle, me, she reached out slowly and grabbed me. As she lifted me, my hind legs swung underneath me and flipped the wax into the air.

The Agent yanked me out of the bathroom--I wasn't sure what was going on! I ran and hid behind the couch because I thought I was in trouble. Instead of hunting me down, she closed herself into the bathroom to clean up. She had to throw away the bathroom rug because it was covered in sticky wax. It took her forever (maybe about 15 minutes, really) to clean up the bathroom--and judging by the look on her face, she wasn't too happy about it.

After she came out of the bathroom, she came to look for me. She was worried and wanted to make sure I was ok. From across the room, she called to me. I started walking toward her, but noticed tightness around my back legs. I would try to walk, but the skin was pulling uncomfortably. I would take a step...shake one of my back legs...take another step...shake the other one.

The Agent gasped in horror! She ran to me and picked me up to look at my stomach. I HAD WAX ALL OVER MY LOWER STOMACH!

She kept asking me over and over if I was feeling ok and if I was hurt. I tried to tell her I was fine--that I hadn't been burned (thankfully, because she intended to put the wax on her own skin, it wasn't too hot), I was just a bit uncomfortable with the cooled wax on my tummy.

The Agent studied my stomach for a few minutes and brainstormed out loud. "Can I cut the hair? No...I can't get the hair to come away from the skin because of the wax. I'm going to have to call the vet."

She called the emergency vet line and left a message. I heard her say, "I know this is going to sound weird, but my cat got eyebrow wax on her stomach and part of her hind legs. She is not hurt--just uncomfortable. I don't know what to do to help her. Can someone call me back, please?"

I don't remember anything else from the phone call because I fell asleep.

The next morning, The Agent took me to the vet. They were just as confused as she! They weren't really sure how to handle this because--unfortunately (or fortunately for other pets)--this was the first time anyone had brought a cat in with this condition!

The Agent left me there for about 4 hours. When she came to pick me up, I was very sleepy. In fact, I don't remember much about that visit--I think I slept the entire time!

From what I understand, they put me under so I wouldn't try to fight them. Then they had to call several local beauty salons to find out how to safely remove the wax. What they learned was that they needed to take oil (they tried a combination of baby oil and olive oil) to break down the wax so it could be wiped away. After they removed the wax, they gave me a warm bath and woke me up.

The Agent didn't even balk at the $100+ bill from the vet's office! She was so happy that I was feeling better (and feeling quite guilty, I am sure...); she felt that any amount was worth getting her beautiful, beautiful, precious baby back in her arms.

Since then, The Agent is diligent about closing me out of the bathroom when she waxes her brows. She now laughs and calls my wax debaucle "The day Kukka wanted a Brazilian Wax."
Uh, hello? Some of us aren't ready to laugh about this quite yet.

Edit: Brach just read this entry and said, "Wow...good job, Kukka! You paint The Agent out to be a cold woman with a stone-like heart the size of a pea when you say she didn't check on you until after she cleaned the bathroom."  

Ok...ok! In her defense, she did give me a once-over before she even put me down. She just didn't notice the wax amid her panic.  The Agent would never put cleaning the bathroom ahead of taking care of me (this fact can be proven by taking a look at the tornado-stricken appearance of the bathroom on any given weekday).


PrincessMia said...

Oh Kukka! What a story, my mom read it and she started laughing real loud. You're lucky you didn't get a wax job, from what I heard, it's a big ouchy. I've never had weird stuff on my lovely coat, except for some pinkyuckiness last week. But mom cleaned that off, no problem,

Edsel/The Pooch said...

wow, you were really lucky. you could have wound up nude!!!

William said...

Oh, Empress! What a truly terrible very very close call!

Boni said...

Gee, that was a real close call. It's good you didn't get your fur waxed off! That would not be good. (My Mom laughed too but I told her to be nice.)

Derby said...

wow, if that had pulled off your fur you would have had a realy wierd fur/skin set up. Glad it worked out OK.

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Pardon us because we can feel you pain but ......HAHAHAHA. What a story. And we love those pictures. Very nice to illustrate the story. Your mom just doesn't appreciate what a good helper you are!

Max said...


It was your Woman's fault. Of course. It's *always* the People's fault.

And it's a good thing they were able to get the wax off, otherwise you'da gotten a buzz cut!

Diva Kitty said...

Ouch ouchie ouch

Musette said...

The illustrations are what really make the story work for me!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Empress -

What a horrible experience. Luckily you lived through it!

Thank you for sharing it with us all.

Kelly Cat said...

Poor dear... thank goodness the poor little pussycat Empress Kukka-Maria had only her pride injured and that her fur did not have to be cut or shaved.

Mama Duck said...

ROTFL a brazilian.... oh my goodness, that IS funny!!