Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Bros before Hos

While my sister and I don't always get along, I have always tried to protect her privacy and show her the utmost respect. Today, my loyalty to my feline brothers, who have recently served their hearts to Kukka-Maria on a silver platter, outweighs my loyalty to my own sibling. As the ancients have said, "Bros before Hos!"

Gentlemen, if after reading what I have to say, you still feel you wish to throw yourselves into the raging volcano that is Kukka's love, feel free to do so. I feel it's important that you have all the facts before sacrificing your hearts for the empress.

Several months ago, I found a locked box in the spare bedroom closet marked "KEEP OUT! THIS MEANS YOU!" Kukka caught me looking at the box and told me never to touch it again because it was filled with boggarts. BOGGARTS! I was so frightened, I practically peed right where I stood! I swore to her that, due to the incredible risk, I would honor her warning and never touch the box again.

A few weeks ago, after a hearty catnip binge, Kukka stumbled into the spare bedroom. I stealthily followed her--a clear ten paces behind. I silently watched as she unlocked the box and removed a secretly stashed tampon with which to play. Wait a second! There were no boggarts in the box! All I saw was Kukka and a tampon--and neither of them are my worst fear!


The next day, vowing to fully discover what she was keeping in that locked box, I opened it during the second of her four morning naps. Among a stash of catnip, some cotton swabs, tampons and a healthy collection of condoms, was the following love letter from Mojo, the dog.

Mojo and his mom have been family friends for a long time. Yes, there has been tension between Mojo and Kukka over the last year or so, but I always assumed it had to do with the whole "Cat vs. Dog" dynamic. After reading the following letter, the true nature of Kukka and Mojo's relationship was revealed.

William and Moose, take heed, for here is but one of the broken hearts Kukka-Maria has left in her wake:

"30 March 2005
the night market, Marrakech

Kukka, Ma Chère –

It is night and I sit alone at the maison de thè – you know the one – in the heart of the souk.

I am swallowed by memories of you.

Here is where I first saw you: tiara askew, draped elegantly in the arms of the chargé d’affaires américain, standing beneath the Moorish arch under the silver sliver of the moon. As drunk as you were, he was clearly the more intoxicated – he professed his adoration, your charming rejection only made him want you more.

‘Quelle femme!’ I thought to myself.

I like to think that it was in that moment he learned what all of us who try to possess you must sooner or later learn: the soul that is Kukka-Maria can be tamed by neither man nor beast. Better that the pauvre américain and myself had tried to hold the wind in our hand than to love Kukka-Maria! Easier it would have been to
faire la pagaie across the ocean tout seul!

Yes, ma petite, I know that you can never belong to me. In fact, I often think you cannot even belong to yourself. Your spirit Kukka, ta force de vie, she is so strong! She must be free: pour le monde! For a world without Kukka, somewhere, living freely in the fullness of her splendor cannot exist. Je le refuse!

Soon ma chere, my work here will be complete and my body will leave this strange land. And it will be none-too-soon: for every breath of jasmine-scented night air that fills my lungs with life also fills my heart with longing for you, sinking me deeper into la despoir. And for the sake of my work, this I cannot allow. I am bound for Paris la semaine sur prochaine. There I will receive new orders to face le danger et la mort. But all this is nothing to the peril of loving you. No matter where I go, ma petite chou, mon coeur will always be in a smoky tea room in Marrakech, longing for you.

Toujours le tien,


Kukka-Maria said...

You horrible, horrible little boy! How dare you break into my private box and tarnish my stellar reputation!

For that, I will steal 75% more of your treats today than I did yesterday.

Ungrateful little scamp!

Fat Eric said...

After reading that, I have nothing to say except...


PrincessMia said...

Oh, KM, your reputation has not been tarnished. Le chien has merely confessed his love to you, frankly, can you blame him? If you wish to love a dog, then that is your royal prerogative.

Bonnie Underfoot said...

No offense to Kukka, but dogs ooze devotion. A cat's devotion is earned. Break all the hearts you like, just protect your own.

Les Trois Chats said...

I am stunned. Stunned! William is a worthy adversary - but a DOG!? It is too much for my poor young heart to take.

Nala is laughing her arse off as I type, but Turtle has gently suggested I turn away from this insane devotion to Kukka-Maria (sniffle!) and look to someone more grounded... But look! Bonnie and Princess Mia are of the same heartmashing mindset!

Are they all the same?!? Brach, tell me the truth, man! Are they all the same - heartless wenches every last one of them??

~ moose

Brach said...

Oh, Moosey...don't fret. Keep in mind that this was a letter from last year--their romance was fast, furious and quickly over.

As for whether or not you should give up on Kukka? I think that as long as you realize--as Mojo has--that you can no easier keep Kukka as your own than you can keep a rainbow in your pocket ( you even wear pants?), you will be fine. Loving Kukka can be painful in the end, but the sweet, sweet experience of the journey is probably worth it. At least that is what my mom says.

Having said that, the answer to your question is YES. I really think they are all heartless wenches.

Les Trois Chats said...

A rainbow in my pocket and painful in the end?? Is this anything like a shot in the behind? Cause I'm really not up for that... And you gotta admit, that poor dog looks heartbroken.

Turtle insists there are nice girls out there, like her and Patches. Mom says I'm her baby boy and not ready for love. (She actually said something about her having fixed it so that I won't ever be ready for love, but I don't know what she meant by that.)

Sigh. I wonder what William will make of all of this. I think he and I need to chew some toilet parts and have a talk. Thanks for the advice Brach.
~ moose

Patches & Mittens said...

This sounds like a soap opera to me.

What are the condoms for? This has all the markings of a mystery novel as well!

Brach, you should never snoop into a ladies private stash though....this was wrong; but I am glad you did.....yes, I am glad.

Beau said...

There is no shame in love. "It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all." As for the woman's stash, what's in the box should stay in the box!

Derby said...

Brach, Good thing that Kukka doesn't want anything to do with me since I remind her of you. Keep on digging. It's what little brothers do best.

William said...

Mon dieu! Ce n'est pas possible!

I think I need more than toy-lette parts to chew on before I can digest this!

PrincessMia said...

Oh, the boys are acting so dramatic! I'm with Patches, when you go looking for trouble, you're gonna find it. Reow!

Knightly, Lizzie, & Firenze said...

Ahem guys, there are nice girl cats around....

Lizzie & Firenze

Brach said...

Lizzie & Firenze...I may be a bit timid, but I know how to treat a lady!

Athena said...

Holy Toledo! I am blushing. I have led a sheltered life, for sure!