Friday, February 24, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume VII (Oscar Edition)

Again, dear readers, it is time to respond to a mere few of the squillions (I told you I'd find a way to use that word, William) of letters I receive from adoring fans. This round, let's focus on the Academy Awards!

If you don't see your question posted here, please don't get your panties in a bunch (for those cats who wear panties, that is...). It probably means we just threw your letter out. My mom says she has a fierce case of "cabin fever" and is starting the spring cleaning early. I can't be held responsible if she chooses to chuck any letters she feels are lame.

Q: Kukka-Maria, it was rumored you were in the running to host the Oscars this year, but that the Academy decided to go with Jon Stewart--A HUMAN! How did you deal with the rejection?
Let's set the record straight right away. They didn't reject me, I rejected THEM! If I had a cat treat for every phone call I received begging me to host the show--or at least make an appearance on the red carpet, I would evict my mother from my home immediately because I'd have enough snacks to last me 9 lives and wouldn't be in need of her services anymore. You did ask a very interesting question. How do I deal with rejection? Wait. By "interesting," I meant "ridiculous." Why would anyone reject me? Next question.

Q: What kind of swag do you expect to bring home from the Oscars?
Now that's a great question! The free stuff we celebrities net during the award season is remarkable! Of all the award shows (Golden Globes, SAG Awards, Emmys, Grammys, etc.) I find the members of the Academy are the most generous and considerate of a royal feline's desires. This year, I expect to receive the following--and then some:

Q: When we see you on the red carpet, Kukka, who will you have on your paw? Come on, DISH! Who will your date be?
It was a very tough decision as to who would be the lucky Tom! As you know, I can't cough up a hairball without it making the front page of every tabloid in print, so choosing my date has become quite a challenge. It seems I can't share treats, consume catnip or play with a cat without reading about our "torrid love affair" in the press. Considering this, I felt it was safest to take Brach with me as my date. Unless we accidentally pull an "Angelina," I expect the story of my date to remain non-newsworthy.

Q: Kukka, who will you be wearing on the red carpet at the Oscars?
I have narrowed my choices down to two. The first is a luscious floor-length ball gown in ice blue taffeta with a shredded over-skirt of chiffon misted with microscopic, hand-stitched Austrian crystal beadwork, design by Karl Lagerfeld. The second contender is an original design by Stella McCartney. The ultra-feminine bias-cut silk charmeuse, hand dyed in a lovely, hombre Indian Ocean blue goes so well with my eyes! It's so difficult to decide! I look so beautiful in both--especially with $500,000 worth of borrowed bling from Harry Winston, including a specially designed blue diamond tiara. For those of you thinking these designs, cut way down for my svelte feline figure, will have reasonable retail prices...think again. Even though they use far less fabric than human frocks, each design will run the average kitty roughly $35,000. For me, though, it's free because both Karl and Stella realize that the designer I choose will experience record sales in 2006 due to my extreme popularity. It's good to be the empress...

Q: Kukka, I have a two-part question. First, what is your position on wearing fur--do you feel it's inhumane to wear fur coats on the red carpet? And second, will you be wearing your fur coat to the awards?
I don't know how I can avoid it! Mother Nature has blessed me with a resplendent and flawless fur coat and it would be a crime to keep it from being displayed on the red carpet. As for the humans who wish to wear fur? I offer this: "If you can grow it, show it!" Ladies, refrain from shaving your legs and armpits for the Oscars! Gentlemen, sport your Grizzly Adams beards! You may make the worst-dressed list, but you won't get red paint thrown in your direction...

Q: Empress, I noticed you were shut-out of the nominations this year. Why do you think your phenomenal work went unrecognized?
I'm sorry...what movies did you see me in this year? Yes, I've starred in several blockbusters in years past (including "Dr. Suess' The Cat in the Hat," "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," and the severely mis-cast "Kitty Hawk: The Wright Brothers' Journey of Invention") and am the lead in the soon-to-be-released remake of "the way-out whopper of a funny western", "Cat Ballou," but I have been on a hiatus for the last 13 months. Do me a favor, an Entertainment Weekly and catch up on the status of my career.

As for the rest of you, be sure to watch me present "Best Foreign Language Film" at the Academy Awards on Sunday, March 5 at 8pm EST. I'll be there, unless I decide to boycott, since not a single film in Meow was nominated.


Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Kukka you are always a good read!!! We like your take on the whole business!

Patches & Mittens said...

Oh, my, you are so fistacated. We girls in the Big Piney Woods are mere mortals compared to you Dear Kukka.....

Gigolo Kitty said...

Ayyy! But Kukka, Karl Lagerfield, he is the Fresh Prince Of Darkness!

Ullrick said...

Kukka, where did you get that lovely fur coat you're wearing?

The Whippy Curly Tails said...

LOL...great post!

Now really..who do think for best picture.
Our mom liked most of the movies did you see them.
We like it when mom goes to the movies, thats when we get lots of shut eye!

Don't forget to come by to read Blackie's story.
He thinks that Catpote will win all the Pawskers purr sure!
He will bet his whiskers on that. No Woofback Hill or Crashlitter either, just Catpote!

The Whippy Curly Tails in the Toasty South

William said...

I beg a million pardons, Empress. I have been remiss in my attention. But I will be eagerly awaiting your appearance, even if it is a squillion naps away!