Wednesday, February 08, 2006

It's For the Birds

by Brach

Birds are my friends. Every day they perch themselves outside my bedroom window and talk to me as they eat their yummy bird seed.

Yesterday, a Cardinal couple stopped by to tell me about their winter adventures.

The male Cardinal said, "Well, hello, Brach! It's been awhile since we've seen the likes of you!"

"Welcome back, Howard!" I said, hoping that is was, in fact Howard and not his twin brother, Hank.

Now, Howard isn't the most polite bird you'll meet. With his mouth full of black sunflower seeds, he mumbled, "You've got some mighty fine birdseed this year, Brach. Did you pick it out especially for us?"

"You betcha, Howie! Nothing but the best for my red-bodied friend!" I replied with a chuckle. Turning to his wife, I asked, "How are you, Gertie? I hope this mild winter has been a pleasant surprise for you both."

"Oh, it has, has indeed!" she replied after flicking a seed shell to the ground.

"Listen, you two--feast as long as you'd like. I'm going to nap here a bit. If you need anything--and I mean anything--please do not hesitate to ask. You are my guests!" I said, burying myself under the comforter on the spare room bed.

As I drifted off to sleep, I ran through the list of my bird friends. There are the Cardinals (Howard and Gertie), The Finches (Bob and Carolyn) and the gay Woodpeckers (Steve and Eric).

Birds are wonderful creatures who should be celebrated and revered.

I am a proud bird lover.

by Kukka-Maria

I, too, am a bird lover. The difference, though, is that Brach bases his love for birds on emotion and I base my love on taste. I WOULD LOVE TO EAT THEM!

While I've never actually eaten a bird (I have my mother and her commitment to keeping us locked inside the house to thank for this), my salivary glands and I spend hours each day dreaming of what it would be like.

Each day, I sit on the spare room bed and dreamily gaze out the window at all of the birds (and chipmunks) that stop by to dine. As they bury their heads into the seed, I imagine devouring their little bodies and picking my teeth with their feathers and bones.

There is nothing wrong with that, right?! Hush! It's the natural order...the law of the food chain! DON'T JUDGE ME!!

This morning, one bird called out to me. "Kuuuukka! Don't I look deliiiiiiicious eating my breakfast?"

I tried, frantically, to stick my head under the blinds in my mom's bedroom to look out. I slammed them against the window frame over and over, desperately trying to see who was calling out to me.

"Kuuuuuuuukka-Mariiiiiiiiia! I'm sitting here, completely vulnerable, fattening myself up to make me more delicious for you. Don't you want to come get me?" mocked the bird.


"Kukka! Knock it off! It's 6:00 in the morning!" exclaimed a sleepy Mom.

I tried explaining to her that the bird was taunting me, that I was only trying to catch the bird through the window, and that she would be really proud of me when I presented her with a bird carcass as a gift. She refused to be persuaded, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

Birds are evil. After tormenting me like that--AND getting me in trouble--they deserve to be eaten!

Yes, I love birds--yummy, delicious, savory, delectable birds!

One of these days, I'll get out and inflict a whole world of hurt on you little creatures. You just wait and see...even Brach won't be able to defend you against my wrath!


Patches & Mittens said...

I must agree with Kukka on this one.......I am wondering if Brach isn't trying to impress his Mom with this Bird Whisperer thingy......Sound pretty phony to me!!!

Les Trois Chats said...

I think that perhaps Kukka needs to consider going to therapy. She is clearly experiencing some sort of psychosis. I'm with Brach on this one. I think. However, I would really love to "play" with a bird. If it happened to keel over and die from fright, well it wouldn't be right to just let it go to waste, right?

Alas, Mom doesn't let me out, either.

~ moose :-/

Derby said...

I'm with my buddy Brach. I would rather just watch all the birdies. But we have so many, I can't keep their names straight. So I don't bother, I just say " Hi, birdies"

Edsel/The Pooch said...

i caught two birds - one a dove that i let go and another that i don't know what it was, but i carried it in the house for my Mom and it wandered into the bathroom. my Mom followed the trail of feathers and screamed when she found it. the Dad let it go outside. my sister has actually EATEN birds. i'll take stinky goodness any day.

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

I've caught a few birds on my expeditions outside. I just bring them home for mom. She didn't even yell the day I brought it right to her in my mouth and laid it at her feet. She said she understands it's a present but she'd rather have a new book instead. -shaggy

William said...

I think Kukka would change her mind if you had some pet hawks like I do, Brach. Maybe you'll have some this year.

Victor Tabbycat said...

We have lotsa birds, too. Since we don't know all their names, Mom calls them Mr and Mrs... She said Mr and Mrs Cardinal were back, looking at nests, checking out the neighborhood and schools, arranging their mortgage and insurance.

beingmccrary said...

Are you not friends with Hank then? Because you didn't mention him bottom of your entry as you bird friend. Just curious.

Kukka-Maria said...

Patches Lady: Brach is always a faker and a butt-kisser. Par for the course...

Les Trois Chats: My therapist refuses to see me anymore; she used the words "Lost Cause"...whatever that means!

Derby: It must be a ginger cat thing--this "sensitivity" to birds.

Edsel & Shaggy: My mom would probably faint if I brought a bird inside for her. Wait! That would leave the treats unguarded...not a bad idea!

William: Pet hawks would be scrumptious...I don't see me changing me mind any time soon!

Victor Tabbycat: Only Brach knows their names--I just say, "Hey, YOU BIRD!"

Stacey: Hank and Brach had a huge falling-out last year. He doesn't like to talk about it--the emotional wounds haven't scarred over yet.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...


Ah yes, the head in the blinds thing - another reason why Mom won't allow us in the bedroom at night. I've recently started a 4 AM wakeup call in the hallway, which isn't going over big either.

Maxwell Smartkitty
The Crew

Fat Eric said...

I like watching the birdies from my window. Strangely, when I go outside and lie by the bird table, they don't come and eat. If I did catch one, I expect I would have just a quick nibble, after all, all FOOD is good!! My grandma's woofie is in disgrace today because he ate one of her neighbour's fan-tailed doves...

Brandywine said...

Kukka, Does Brach whisper to the squirrels too? With the woodpeckers, has Brach addressed them on their affinity for banging their heads on long wooden poles? Kukka, you should go easy on the birds with your stern looks and actions. The birds too could have an empress who, at any time, could let loose her avian minions...there was a movie like that my dad watched!