I AM THE BIRD WHISPERER
Birds are my friends. Every day they perch themselves outside my bedroom window and talk to me as they eat their yummy bird seed.
Yesterday, a Cardinal couple stopped by to tell me about their winter adventures.
The male Cardinal said, "Well, hello, Brach! It's been awhile since we've seen the likes of you!"
"Welcome back, Howard!" I said, hoping that is was, in fact Howard and not his twin brother, Hank.
Now, Howard isn't the most polite bird you'll meet. With his mouth full of black sunflower seeds, he mumbled, "You've got some mighty fine birdseed this year, Brach. Did you pick it out especially for us?"
"You betcha, Howie! Nothing but the best for my red-bodied friend!" I replied with a chuckle. Turning to his wife, I asked, "How are you, Gertie? I hope this mild winter has been a pleasant surprise for you both."
"Oh, it has, Brach...it has indeed!" she replied after flicking a seed shell to the ground.
"Listen, you two--feast as long as you'd like. I'm going to nap here a bit. If you need anything--and I mean anything--please do not hesitate to ask. You are my guests!" I said, burying myself under the comforter on the spare room bed.
As I drifted off to sleep, I ran through the list of my bird friends. There are the Cardinals (Howard and Gertie), The Finches (Bob and Carolyn) and the gay Woodpeckers (Steve and Eric).
Birds are wonderful creatures who should be celebrated and revered.
I am a proud bird lover.
BIRDS ARE A GREAT SOURCE OF PROTEIN
I, too, am a bird lover. The difference, though, is that Brach bases his love for birds on emotion and I base my love on taste. I WOULD LOVE TO EAT THEM!
While I've never actually eaten a bird (I have my mother and her commitment to keeping us locked inside the house to thank for this), my salivary glands and I spend hours each day dreaming of what it would be like.
Each day, I sit on the spare room bed and dreamily gaze out the window at all of the birds (and chipmunks) that stop by to dine. As they bury their heads into the seed, I imagine devouring their little bodies and picking my teeth with their feathers and bones.
There is nothing wrong with that, right?! Hush! It's the natural order...the law of the food chain! DON'T JUDGE ME!!
This morning, one bird called out to me. "Kuuuukka! Don't I look deliiiiiiicious eating my breakfast?"
I tried, frantically, to stick my head under the blinds in my mom's bedroom to look out. I slammed them against the window frame over and over, desperately trying to see who was calling out to me.
"Kuuuuuuuukka-Mariiiiiiiiia! I'm sitting here, completely vulnerable, fattening myself up to make me more delicious for you. Don't you want to come get me?" mocked the bird.
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!
"Kukka! Knock it off! It's 6:00 in the morning!" exclaimed a sleepy Mom.
I tried explaining to her that the bird was taunting me, that I was only trying to catch the bird through the window, and that she would be really proud of me when I presented her with a bird carcass as a gift. She refused to be persuaded, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Birds are evil. After tormenting me like that--AND getting me in trouble--they deserve to be eaten!
Yes, I love birds--yummy, delicious, savory, delectable birds!
One of these days, I'll get out and inflict a whole world of hurt on you little creatures. You just wait and see...even Brach won't be able to defend you against my wrath!