Monday, February 06, 2006

Project: "Black Tie"

HISS! I am sick of being considered a second-class feline citizen--just because I am not black and white! Did you realize these tuxedo cat elitists have their own gang?

Something has to be done about this! While I am a huge fan of individual Tuxedo Cats (check my links...I read them daily), apparently when they get together, they get a little arrogant. Don't break your legs trying to pat one another on the backs, Tuxies!

Inspired by Norah Vincent, the author of "Self-Made Man," I spent much of my weekend developing my strategy to go deep-undercover and infiltrate The Tuxedo Gang.

The first step of my physical transformation required me to obtain a tuxedo. Initially, I thought about dying my own fur black and white. My mother nixed that plan almost immediately. "You'll make a huge mess with that Grecian Formula, Kukka-Monster!" I rolled my eyes and walked away in a huff. That left me with purchasing a tuxedo, which I happily did--using my mother's credit card.

Once I was suited up, I had to work on my mannerisms. My vocabulary and tone of voice had to change if I was going to be taken seriously by the snob squad. To accomplish this, I've been meowing with a British accent for the last three days. I don't know why, really. I guess it has something to do with the fact that one of the most famous tuxedo-clad cool cats ever is James Bond--and he always speaks with a British accent.

My mom is getting pretty sick of my new phrases:
  • "If it's not too much trouble, love, I'll take a biscuit now. Cheers!" (Formerly: "MOM!! Get off your lazy butt and get me a treat!!")
  • "Oh, I'm knackered! A nap would be brilliant right about now." (Formerly: "Can't you see I'm tired and I'm trying to nap?")
  • "My loo hasn't been scooped in a fortnight. If you were to do it now, I'd be arse over elbows for you!" (Formerly: "I'm surfing turds here, Mom! Do you not remember how to use the scoop? If you do it now, I might let you sleep until your alarm goes off tomorrow morning...")

The third step in my transformation to tuxedo cat-dom required an attitude adjustment. The fact that the Tuxedo Gang has their own clique implies they look down their black and white noses to other, "inferiorly-marked" cats like me. To come off as a snooty, hoity-toity elitist, I decided to practice by snubbing Brach.

The problem was that when I ignored him, it didn't really phase him. According to him, it was like any other day! Maybe I'm closer to being a tuxedo cat than I realize!

You may agree with my brainiac brother who insists that it is stupid for me to post my strategy on our blog because members of The Tuxedo Gang will read it and be prepared for my invasion. I say my victory will be sweeter when I emerge from my hiding spot--right beneath their mono-chromatic noses!

Mwaaaaaaah-ha ha ha... (that's my evil laugh)

As for now, I will continue practicing my Tuxedo Cat dress, vocabulary, and behavior. What other "Tuxie" characteristics should I be practicing? Should I make flashcards from which to study? Considering I'm doing this for all of the multi-colored cats out there, your support and feedback will be invaluable!


Max said...

Hey, if you bring enough premium kitty crack, infiltrate all you want!

Fat Eric said...

Hmmm...your British accent isn't bad, Kukka. (never heard anyone saying "arse over elbows" though, we might say "arse over tip", or, a bit ruder, "arse over t*ts").
Good luck with your attempt to infiltrate the Tuxedo Gang. Maybe I'll start the Ginger Gang and invite Brach to join...

Musette said...

I can offer some moral support, but I've never been one to question the authority of The Tuxedo Gang - they're the majority, so the rule the roost. We're just colorful guests in their black and white world.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

I wear a grey & white tuxedo dress, so not all members are black & white, but I think that's the "official" color. I was surprised they let me in the gang!

You know Empress, you certainly look like you're wearing a tuxedo, but a stripey one not a solid one, so maybe your disguise is working better than you thought. Or maybe it's the haute couture line of designer fur you wear so well.

If it was up to me, I'd be honored to have royalty among us.

The Crew

Orlando Bun said...

Spot on... Well, you can join secret paws! We are a group of all types of fluffies!

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Kukka-Maria, you simply MUST join the right sorority... Purrific Tabbies, to be exact. Point your dainty paw to join Purrific Tabbies.