Monday, March 27, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume VIII

It's that time again: Time to rummage through the bags and bags of fan mail to see what, if anything, is note-worthy!

As usual, don't fret if your question is overlooked--the line of decency has to be drawn somewhere.

(Editor's note: It is a rare occasion when Kukka is able to know where the line of decency should be drawn--and, when she does know, never actually draws it.)

Let's get this party started!

Q: Kukka, I'm a young boy cat. My mom was petting me the other day and, upon running her hand across my multi-nippled belly, exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! I thought this was a boy cat! I feel nipples! Are you sure he's a boy?" Am I some sort of freak? Am I really a girl?
A: Wow. Now that's what I call "starting off with a bang!" Have no fear, little one. While you may be a freak, it has nothing to do with the fact you have nipples! All sorts of boys have nipples--even humans! While the nipples on girl cats can be considered "functional," the nipples on boys (and non-kitten-producing girls) can be considered "decorative." In the spirit of decoration, I say pierce two or three of your nipples and let your freak flag fly!

Q: With bikini season quickly approaching, Kukka-Maria, what will you do to get in shape and what kind of bikini will you be sporting this summer?
A: First off, "what will you do to get in shape" clearly implies I am not already in shape! I resent that! To keep my womanly figure in top-top shape, I have a rigorous work-out regimen that I do each and every day--without fail:

  • I wake up and do about 7-15 seconds of yoga. This will include stretching my spine by bowing down with my buttocks high in the air. After that, I will lie down on the bed/floor/couch/chair and make my body as long as I can possibly get it. Not only does it feel good, many times I do it directly in my mother's path, so she trips--which is a bonus.
  • Several times during the day, I will run from various spots in the house to the kitchen at full-speed in a quest for treats. I try not to get too "scheduled" with this. Most of the time, I will run to the kitchen when I hear my mom walk into the house from work, any time I hear the refrigerator open, and when my mom inhales or blinks.
  • Enthusiastically swatting at my brother's face or butt help keep my arms (ok, front legs if you insist on reminding me that I'm a cat) toned. Left, left, right, left. Right, right, left, right. Over and over. Feel the burn!

As for the bikini, I have yet to select one for 2006. I usually get several color-coordinated bikini tops to cover my multiple nipples, but this year, due to a loophole in our city's animal decency ordinance, I will be able to keep up to four of my nipples exposed.

(Editor's note: In past years, Kukka has always demanded that she be allowed to keep at least 2 nipples exposed. The loophole will just prevent her from being jailed...again.)

Q: Empress Kukka-Maria, where did you get your unique name?
While my name "Kukka-Maria" (pronounce it Koo-kah-Mah-ree-ah) is Finnish, I am not. My birth parents, refusing to accept that I was not the male heir for whom they prayed, named me "Empress Charles Augustus Poodly Dolfus William Henry Isaac Newton Smith"--after my father. They called me "Poodly" for short. When they finally sent me away (a story I'll have to save for another day), my adopted mother thought my name was "utterly ridiculous" and decided to name me "Kukka-Maria," instead. The name is quite popular in Finland (because of me, I am sure). In fact, there is even a blogspot blogger with the name and, if you can read Finnish, you should check out her blog! By the way, if you can read Finnish and you find her blog is a tribute to me--as I am sure it is--feel free to translate for me.

(Editor's note: While we pronounce it Koo-kah, it is unclear how the Fins pronounce it. We imagine they say it in a way our anglicized tongues find impossible to replicate. Imagining that her name is virtually unpronounceable in its purest form makes Kukka feel more exotic.)

Q: Kukka, I recently came across a nude photo spread of you on the internet. Why would you pose for such racy photos?
According to my legal representation, I am able to make only the following statement regarding nude or partially nude photos that are currently in circulation: I maintain that any questionable photos of me are falsified, edited and can be considered maliciously synthetic. Off the record, though? They are totally me! Especially the really hot ones where I look incredibly stunning. What can I say? I was young, drunk and naive!

Q: Empress, recently in the press, it has been insinuated that many of the stories you tell in your online memoirs are, in fact, fictitious or, at best, grossly embellished versions of half-truths. What is your response to these allegations and to Oprah's recent statement in which she rescinds her once-enthusiastic support of you and your blog?
First off, I am shocked...SHOCKED that you dare imply that my life is any less glamorous than is depicted in this online memoir! I post merely 12% of the amazing things I do and have done in my phenomenal past. I am very guarded about my personal life--the truly intimate things stay private. It has only been under extreme pressure from my fans that I have conceded to speak about my past relationship with Brad Pitt and my current affairs with William, Moose and Buddy. Even then, I have given very little detail, out of respect for my boys. I think, if people find my stories hard to believe, it is because I am challenging their closed-minded impressions of housecats--and it's about time someone challenged those biases! As for Oprah: She knows she is nothing without me. If she wants to mess with the bull, she should expect the horns. Bring it, Winfrey!

(Editor's note: Ms. Winfrey could not be reached for comment at the time of publication.)

Now I'm all riled up. I think I'll partake of some catnip and head to bed to nurse this looming headache. The life of a celebrity is not easy, people...not easy at all.


Gigolo Kitty said...

I can't believe Oprah would do something so shoddy. Do you think you should have a talk with Jerry Springer to do a show on Sexy Cats And TThose Who Betray Them?

William said...

I think Oprah should pay you to remain your friend. And I mean in real money, not in books and stupid stuff. You could get that condo, and a bunch of other things, too. I think that's only fair.

I like the new look--especially the part about me being at the top of the Tomcat Stable! I long to kiss your pretty pink toes for the honor!

Buddy said...

Kukka, I am madly and deeply attracted to your curvaceous figure and seemingly soo soft fur, as well as your cute paws and piercing eyes. I am also elated to see that I really have NO competition. Kiss Kiss my sweet! Grrrrooowwwwlll

William said...

Ah, Buddy, such the jokester!

Les Trois Chats said...

Hey Buddy, note that you are mentioned after William and me. You are merely the newest plaything. The sooner you wise up, the better for your psyche. Kukka is a playa-girl. I may be young, but I have the 411.
~ moose

~ mom

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Good solid advice as usual Kukka.