March 6, 2006 (Associated Press) Kukka-Maria, exiled feline empress and celebrated blogging star, has taken to her bed with what her representatives are calling "exhaustion."
Originally scheduled to present "Best Foreign Language Film" at the 78th Annual Academy Awards last evening, Kukka's publicist phoned Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president, Sid Ganis, in the wee hours of Sunday morning.
"The Empress's publicist informed me that the star was experiencing physical symptoms consistent with extreme exhaustion due to her harried schedule of public appearances, posting intriguing and captivating blog entries and answering what can only be described as 'preposterous' amounts of fan mail. The thoughts and prayers of the distinguished members of the Academy are with The Empress during this emotionally and physically draining time," Mr. Ganis told the Associated Press, sheepishly wiping a tear from his eye.
Despite fears the broadcast would be cancelled due to Kukka-Maria's absence, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was fortunate to find a B-List celebrity replacement to present "Best Foreign Language Film."
"I am thrilled to be invited to participate in this thrilling event. It was thrilling to finally get the call from Sid, when it was becoming quite clear he was dodging my phone calls for the last few months. I am thrilled. THRILLED!" exclaimed a "thrilled" Will Smith, who, despite working steadily in blockbuster movies throughout his career, is considered a disappointment by the myriad of fans who were expecting to see the multi-talented and beautiful Kukka-Maria on the Oscar stage.
Juicy J of Three 6 Mafia, winners of Best Original Song, gave a shout out to the Empress at one of the numerous post-Oscar parties. "Big ups to my dawg, Kukka. We understand your need for a break--it's hard out here for a pimp!" When asked if a cat can actually be considered a "dawg," bandmate Crunchy Black exclaimed, "Who cares! We won an OSCAR! Pass the Cristal, [expletive], 'cause this Oscar winner is gonna get crunked!"
Representatives for the exiled empress have been very vague about the gifted gatito's condition. "All I am willing to confirm at this point," explained her agent and mother in a phone interview, "is that the empress is suffering from extreme exhaustion and is taking a much-needed break."
The acclaimed celebrity, desired by both man and beast, has been romantically linked to Brad Pitt, George Clooney (although representatives for both deny this claim), Mojo, and most recently William of Mass Destruction and Moose of Les Trois Chats. At press time, neither William, nor Moose could be reached for comment.
That is the official release. I'm here to tell you the REAL story as only an insider can provide.
Here are the highlights from Saturday:
4:06pm--Kukka, so excited about the Oscars, starts hitting the catnip heavily. She sniffs, eats and rolls in dangerously enormous amounts of catnip then takes four consecutive 1 hour naps throughout the house to "sleep it off."
8:32pm--Mom entertains some of her friends and cracks open a bottle of wine (to which Kukka helps herself).
9:13pm--Kukka staggers into the bedroom, determined to have a "final fitting" of her Karl Lagerfeld Oscar gown. She dons the gown and stands in front of the mirror, dreamily gazing at her reflection.
9:17pm--Drunk and disorderly, Kukka picks a fight with me while still in her gown. At that point, I knew it wouldn't end well.
9:19pm--Defending myself, I claw at her, and accidentally tear her gown. Kukka belligerently lays into me about "not respecting" her, "destroying" her gown and our relationship, and being "jealous" of her for getting to go to the Oscars.
9:20pm--Kukka projectile vomits wine-soaked cat treats down the front of her Oscar gown and passes out under the spare room bed.
1:44am--Mom, her two friends and I stage an intervention. Kukka admits to having a problem and agrees to enter 4.2857 day treatment program (for humans, it's a 30-day detox, but because cats age 7 times faster than humans, the treatment stay is adjusted proportionately).
So, while Kukka works to "get on the wagon," I'll have the opportunity to write for you this week--uniterrupted! I can't wait...