Monday, March 06, 2006

"Exhaustion" keeps Feline Blogger from Oscars

I want to offer you, dear readers, the first glimpse at the official press release today, explaining Kukka-Maria's absence on the red carpet at last night's Oscars:

March 6, 2006 (Associated Press) Kukka-Maria, exiled feline empress and celebrated blogging star, has taken to her bed with what her representatives are calling "exhaustion."

Originally scheduled to present "Best Foreign Language Film" at the 78th Annual Academy Awards last evening, Kukka's publicist phoned Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences president, Sid Ganis, in the wee hours of Sunday morning.

"The Empress's publicist informed me that the star was experiencing physical symptoms consistent with extreme exhaustion due to her harried schedule of public appearances, posting intriguing and captivating blog entries and answering what can only be described as 'preposterous' amounts of fan mail. The thoughts and prayers of the distinguished members of the Academy are with The Empress during this emotionally and physically draining time," Mr. Ganis told the Associated Press, sheepishly wiping a tear from his eye.

Despite fears the broadcast would be cancelled due to Kukka-Maria's absence, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was fortunate to find a B-List celebrity replacement to present "Best Foreign Language Film."

"I am thrilled to be invited to participate in this thrilling event. It was thrilling to finally get the call from Sid, when it was becoming quite clear he was dodging my phone calls for the last few months. I am thrilled. THRILLED!" exclaimed a "thrilled" Will Smith, who, despite working steadily in blockbuster movies throughout his career, is considered a disappointment by the myriad of fans who were expecting to see the multi-talented and beautiful Kukka-Maria on the Oscar stage.

Juicy J of Three 6 Mafia, winners of Best Original Song, gave a shout out to the Empress at one of the numerous post-Oscar parties. "Big ups to my dawg, Kukka. We understand your need for a break--it's hard out here for a pimp!" When asked if a cat can actually be considered a "dawg," bandmate Crunchy Black exclaimed, "Who cares! We won an OSCAR! Pass the Cristal, [expletive], 'cause this Oscar winner is gonna get crunked!"

Representatives for the exiled empress have been very vague about the gifted gatito's condition. "All I am willing to confirm at this point," explained her agent and mother in a phone interview, "is that the empress is suffering from extreme exhaustion and is taking a much-needed break."

The acclaimed celebrity, desired by both man and beast, has been romantically linked to Brad Pitt, George Clooney (although representatives for both deny this claim), Mojo, and most recently William of Mass Destruction and Moose of Les Trois Chats. At press time, neither William, nor Moose could be reached for comment.


That is the official release. I'm here to tell you the REAL story as only an insider can provide.

Here are the highlights from Saturday:

4:06pm--Kukka, so excited about the Oscars, starts hitting the catnip heavily. She sniffs, eats and rolls in dangerously enormous amounts of catnip then takes four consecutive 1 hour naps throughout the house to "sleep it off."

8:32pm--Mom entertains some of her friends and cracks open a bottle of wine (to which Kukka helps herself).

9:13pm--Kukka staggers into the bedroom, determined to have a "final fitting" of her Karl Lagerfeld Oscar gown. She dons the gown and stands in front of the mirror, dreamily gazing at her reflection.

9:17pm--Drunk and disorderly, Kukka picks a fight with me while still in her gown. At that point, I knew it wouldn't end well.

9:19pm--Defending myself, I claw at her, and accidentally tear her gown. Kukka belligerently lays into me about "not respecting" her, "destroying" her gown and our relationship, and being "jealous" of her for getting to go to the Oscars.

9:20pm--Kukka projectile vomits wine-soaked cat treats down the front of her Oscar gown and passes out under the spare room bed.

1:44am--Mom, her two friends and I stage an intervention. Kukka admits to having a problem and agrees to enter 4.2857 day treatment program (for humans, it's a 30-day detox, but because cats age 7 times faster than humans, the treatment stay is adjusted proportionately).

So, while Kukka works to "get on the wagon," I'll have the opportunity to write for you this week--uniterrupted! I can't wait...

18 comments:

K T Cat said...

Brach, you gotta let a girl get some rest. She needs to take more naps between her rest periods. Sometimes sleeping tires me out so much I need to take a nap.

By the way, over at my place I have ripped the veil off the upcoming feline theocracy. As if you didn't know about it!

The Meezers said...

well, all that and Magoo's party - and all the boycat attention she was getting there.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

What is released to the press and what really happened are two different things. Possibly Kukka couldn't make the Oscars because of what may have gone on at Magoos' party? We can only speculate since Max & I left early, but Tipper probably knows and she's not talking!

George
The Crew

Brach said...

Kukka's not saying much about Magoo's party at this point. I have gotten a few tidbits out of her...something about Roofies in her niptini, doing naked "birthday laps" around the room with Magoo and waking up with her chest pixelated again.

It was time for her to get some help, don't you think?

Edsel/The Pooch said...

Brach, i saw her at Magoo's party, and i gotta tell you, i was a little worried. i think the Empress is out of control and rehab is the best place for her. tell her we'll all be thinkin' 'bout her and wishing her a speedy recovery. make sure you get rid of ALL the nip that's in the house (even the GOOD stuff) before she gets back, buddy.

Brach said...

Thanks, Edsel. I appreciate your concern.

Now, when you say "get rid of ALL the nip in the house," are you suggesting I use it all for me?

'Cause I'm down with that...

Fat Eric said...

Tsk...I knew it would all end in tears...from the way she was behaving at Magoo's party I suspected rehab would be the next stop. Glad to hear you get a chance to stage a ginger take-over, Brach - maybe she'll have to fight to get her blog back when she emerges from rehab, a sadder and wiser kitty (we hope).

Les Trois Chats said...

I know many of you will say I am young and naive and blinded by love. So be it. I do not believe all of the stories about Kukka. I believe they've been a bit blown out of proportion.

Yes, she loves attention. But to someone who is willing to give her the space to be herself, she is all feline woman. The following song by Billy Joel was written long before she was born, but it could have been written for her:

"ALWAYS A WOMAN TO ME" (dedicated to Kukka from Moosey)

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child, but she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth, but she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her as long it's free
Yeah, She steals like a thief, but she's always a woman to me

CHORUS
Ohhh... she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time
Ohhh... and she never gives out
And she never gives in, she just changes her mind

And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you and laugh while you're bleeding
But she’ll bring out the best and the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself 'cause she's always a woman to me

She's frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted, she's earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you,
But she's always a woman to me

Derby said...

Brach, Kukka may need the 60 day treatment. But it is time. After seeing her at the party, well, she needs a true break and piece and quiet.

Athena said...

She'll be back, better than ever. The signs were there, I see now. She just gives and gives and gives to her public, maybe this was inevitable. Poor darling.

Caroline said...

Brach, this explains everything! I think I may be blogging more this week too!

PrincessMia said...

I find this hard to believe. I will wait to hear from Kukka herself. We all like to indulge every now and then, surely it can't be that bad.

Mattingly said...

Wow. Lots of drama over at K-M & B's place! Please tell Kukka-Maria I wish her well on her recovery and look forward to hearing her side of the story. When she's feeling well, please tell her she is welcome at my place for a nice rousing round of Trivial Pursuit anytime. You could come too if you like. I also am looking forward to reading more of your posts! PS... My Mom wants me to tell you she is reading the Harry Potter books!

beingmccrary said...

Brach,
I'm putting Kukka on a "bump watch" due to her absence from the Oscars. I don't believe that exhaustion bit for a minute!

PrincessMia said...

Kukka, Kukka, your brother is spreading torrid rumours about you. Where are you dahling? I suspect you're in Paris for fashion week, no?

Brach said...

You might not be far off, Stacey! Kukka once told me that she was "fixed" and couldn't have kittens, but then she also said she didn't have a problem holding her liquor and catnip!

Perhaps there is more to the story than we realize! Perhaps we should have a special "Dear Kukka...", Rehab Edition to ask her these pressing questions!

Bonnie said...

Thank you for dropping by humble little Gemini's blog, kukka

Gigolo Kitty said...

Kukka didn't miss much. That was the most boring Osacar EVAH!