I officially am in need of a bodyguard. The letters from "Stewie-Stalker" have been coming fast and furious and, judging by the last installment, my safety is at risk. While I have had overwhelmingly generous offers of protection from my brother, Brach and his Ginger Gang, I am not willing to put them in harm's way. Stewie appears diabolical and is getting more forceful with his quest for my love.
So, fearing for my life, for the last 24 hours I've been held-up in our panic room and have been conducting interviews for a bodyguard. I've narrowed it down to four candidates.
In no particular order, feel free to peruse their résumés and interview highlights:
NAME: Bloodslice Lummox
JOB HISTORY: Master Bear-Baiter (1999-2005); Junk Yard Dog (2005-Present)
Good morning, Mr. Lummox.
What would you consider some of your greatest strengths, Bloodslice?
Well, I can pulverize animals of all sizes with a single bite, I have been known to make animals urinate on-the-spot with the volume and timbre of my bark and I can smell blood from a 2-mile distance. Oh, and I'm a fast learner and a "people person."
And some of your weaknesses?
(Staring at Brach) Some have considered me "too" enthusiastic.
Yes. About killing and maiming.
Ok...I see. And what do you think sets you apart from the other candidates vying for this bodyguard position?
(Clearing the excess saliva from his gaping jaw with his larger-than-life paw and staring intently at Brach) Well, I am fiercely loyal, I am quick and clean when I kill and it's rare that I have potty accidents on the carpet.
Mr. Lummox, if you could be a cat, what kind of breed would you be and why?
It doesn't matter to me...aren't they all equally delicious?
Thank you for your time, Bloodslice.
Bloodslice was, indeed, "enthusiastic." Despite my insistence he stop doing it immediately, he got up thrice to chase Brach around the room during our interview. And, while he backed up his claim to make "very few accidents on the carpet" by not messing on the rug, the fact that he made Brach pee, out of fear, four times during the interview really rendered that claim null. Brach already lives in fear of me; I don't need to bring in another bully.
NAME: Juan "Papi Chulo" Martinez
JOB HISTORY: None of your freakin' beezness, ese! (2004-Present)
Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today.
What would you consider some of your greatest strengths, Mr. Martinez?
¡Dios Mio! No one ever calls me Señor Martinez! ¡Ése es nombre de mi padre! Por favor, call me Papi Chulo.
Ok...Papi Chulo...your greatest strengths?
I am quick and surprisingly strong. People aren't very a-scared of me right away because they think I am just un pequeño muchacho. When they walk away from me--IF they walk away from me, they know better! I am also really good at counting...as in "I am going to give you to the count of cinco to make your escape and then I'm going to kick your ass! Uno...Dos...Tres..."
Señor...please. There is no need to explain further. I get it. How about weaknesses?
What are you getting at? Weaknesses? ¡No mames...está loco! I don't have weaknesses!
But, I read on your application that you have a trigger phrase that makes you go absolutely insane. Don't you think that could, in certain situations, be considered a weakness?
I can't believe you are saying this! Es todo un pedo...
(Shuffling through his application) It says here that you have a hard time hearing the phrase "Yo quiero Taco B..."
¡A la madre! (Pacing back and forth now, wiping his salivating mouth) Oh no you di'int! ¡Vaya al diablo!
Sir, with all due respect, I think this interview is over. Buenos días, Señor.
(Eyeing Brach with suspicion) Are you eyeballing me, hombre? If you're eyeballing me, I'm-a gonna haf to teash jew a lay-son!
Sir! I said, "GOOD DAY!"
My Impressions: Wow. Someone needs therapy! In hindsight, I probably should have realized this when, even before the interview began, he nipped at Bloodslice Lummox's leg as they passed one another in the doorway. They tussled for a few minutes while Brach shook uncontrollably and they stopped only when I sternly demanded that Bloodslice release the animated Chihuahua's neck from his jaw. Another red flag was when Papi Chulo asked if I had any more tequila. That explained half of the smell that was coming from him. Let's just say the other half of the odor was from an herb...but not catnip.
NAME: Pierre Beauchamp
BREED: Standard Poodle
JOB HISTORY: Lieutenant General in French armed forces (1996-2001); CLASSIFIED POSITION (2001-2005); Undercover Intelligence Agent Disguised as a Beret Model (2005-Present)
I have to begin by telling you how incredibly attractive that beret looks on you, Monsieur Beauchamp.
Tu es completement debile, Mademoiselle.
Thank you! I just love all things French! One of my boyfriends, Moose, is French. He is one of Les Trois Chats.
Voulez-vous cesser de me cracher dessus pendant que vous parlez!
Wow...I wish I could understand what you are saying to me! I tell you what. Let's get the formality of the interview over with, then you can woo me with your sexy French phrases! What would you say are your greatest strengths?
Le réalité et toi, vous ne vous entendez pas, n'est-ce pas?
Ok...just making a note of that right here. And your weaknesses?
Est-ce que vous êtes ivre?
De quoi est mort votre dernier esclave?
Ok! Great! Is there anything else you would like me to know about you that might set you apart from the other candidates?
Vous êtes une pomme de terre avec le visage d'un cochon d'inde.
Great! Well, unless you have any questions for me, I'll say "Au Revoir."
C'est magnifique! Au Revoir!
My Impressions: During the interview, I was intrigued by Pierre, but it was only after he left and I shared some of his responses with my friend, Mojo (who is fluent in French), that I learned he was really a tool. Mojo suspects Pierre found himself to be over-qualified for the role of "bodyguard" and was insulted that I made him go through an interview instead of handing him the job straight away. While what he said to me was horrible, I was still strangely attracted to Pierre--even though he was obviously gay. I mean, what straight dog would be photographed cross-legged in a beret? And as smart and qualified as he is, the last thing I want to witness is a white-gloved, slap-fight between my bodyguard and my stalker. There is only room for one spoiled-rotten queen in this house...and we all know who that is!
NAME: Sporty Jones
BREED: Champion Border Collie
JOB HISTORY: Sheepherder (2000-2002); Agility Champion (2002-Present)
Mr. Jones, could you please stop running around the room?
Gladly, Empress. Can I call you "Empress?"
Yes. "Empress" is fine...or "Her Royal Highness." Whatever you prefer. What would you consider some of your greatest strengths?
I am fast! I am really good at teeter-totters and collapsed tunnels. I have exceptional muscle tone. (Sloppily lapping water from a bowl) Look at my ass as I drink this water! Have you ever seen a firmer ass than this?
(Sneaking a glance at the rock-hard butt muscles) Mr. Jones, I hardly think it's appropriate for you to ask me to examine your buttocks.
(Running around the room, attempting to herd Brach into the litterbox) I'm just saying that I am fit...FIT! You will find no other dog with the physical agility and strength I possess.
What would you say are some of your weaknesses?
I work out only 16 hours per day when I should be targeting 18-20. I have a soft-spot in my heart for working my legs and probably spend way too much time on them. Speaking of "soft-spots," I noticed you have a bit of a sag in your stomach. I can help you get rid of that, Empress.
It's called "cleavage," Mr. Jones. My voluptuous nipple region is desired by squillions and admired by all. Sir, I'll thank you to keep this interview focused on you.
No problem...I understand. I'm just saying that with a little bit of work, you could be lean and sleek. It's clear you are plump around the middle. I can't imagine it's pleasant to carry around that spare tire...
Thank you, Mr. Jones. This interview is over.
(Running around the room) But, Empress! Time me as I do a practice security sweep of the room. I guarantee I'm faster than anyone else you're considering!
Brach, can you please show Mr. Jones out?
My Impressions: Simply stated--Don't criticize my gorgeous body if you want me to hire you. I am looking for a bodyguard, not a personal trainer (as if I need the workout anyway).