Friday, March 24, 2006

I guess I still have my looks...

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
Nobody knows my sorrow..."

It's official. I'm destitute. Sigh... I'm penniless, dejected, and bereft. I've been fleeced by Felis Catus Laboratories--the bastards!

My spokesmodeling contract clearly stated I would receive 90% of all profits from the sale of Whisker-Well. That sounds like a good deal, right?

Well, it wasn't.

Because hindsight is 20/20, had I to do it all over again, I would use the following rules to guide me before signing my name on the dotted line:

  • Never hire feral alley cats as lawyers and never believe it when they insist an official law degree looks surprisingly identical to a scrap grocery store receipt.
  • If your employer asks you to wear a blonde beehive wig to sell a "natural" hair serum, chances are things aren't as they appear.
  • If you see the testimonial model without hair immediately before and after the photo-shoot, ask questions!
  • Always use your agent broker your deals. Despite your powerful desire for independence, your mom agent is a valuable resource and, with her round pupils and corrective lenses, can focus on reading the fine print.
  • Always do market research on the product you are pushing. In this case, I should have examined all angles. Yes, it might make bald cats look more attractive--which is clearly a draw for the feline demographic, but consider that potentially sheddable hair on a cat is undesirable for humans and, since the humans control the cats' money, it is likely Whisker-Well won't sell. And don't even get me started on the blistered and raw, red skin on the clients who actually applied the serum to their skin...

So now, I lie before you embarrassed and impoverished. I can't sue them because the contract was rock-solid. As promised, I did receive 90% of all Whisker-Well profits. 90% of $0 is...yeah, you do the math.

To add insult to injury, because I didn't read the inconspicuous fine print, I am out $42.38 for the purchase of the blonde beehive. I know $42.38 may not seem like a lot of money to humans, but, like the 7-year human/cat age formula, asking me for $42.38 is like asking an unemployed, one-legged-but-still-super-sexy-supermodel for $296.66 in exchange for an old pair of running shoes. That damned blonde wig is about as useful to me as the running shoes are to her!

And now I'm farther away from getting my own place than I was a mere five days ago!

I dread the moment when my mom opens her credit card statement and sees the $42.38 charge for "Wally's Wig Warehouse." I guess I'll just pretend I'm sleeping or that I don't understand English.

Damn you, Felis Catus Laboratories! I shake my paw vigorously in your general direction!


Bonnie said...

What a horrible thing. However, you know having your own place isn't everything. Although getting humans to do your every bidding can get tiresome, imagine the boredom of not having us around all the time.

Puss said...

Kukka, I feel your pain. Contracts are a bitch. And sometimes, even when you pay good money to a human attorney, they still get it wrong! And as far as selling out? Ya, probably a little but who doesnt eventually?

I Gatti Americani said...

Sorry it didn't work out for you, but you are still a beautiful cat! Maybe you just need a little vacation to pick your spirits back up. Maybe somewhere like..say....ITALY?

Opus and Roscoe

Patches & Mittens said...

We see your blogs has a new look.....very nice.

Our link is missing just in case you moved it and it gotted lost.

Max said...

Oh man, you're singing my song. I've written TWO books and you know what I have to show for it? NOTHING! The Woman bought HERSELF a car with my first book money, and I think she's giving a bunch of my second book money to some low life named Uncle Sam. It's just not right. We need to start biting people.

Fat Eric said...

What does Brach have to say about this??
I think you should definitely take advantage of Opus & Roscoe's offer and take a holiday with them in Italy...would love to see the photos of that!!

Les Trois Chats said...

Oh, Kukka, Kukka. Now that I am a mature (one-year-old) cat, I understand better your need for attention - all of this boo-hooing about money and wigs... I am here to tell you that I worship you in spite of your lack of investment sense. Clearly, you just need the right sugar daddy. (However I'm not sure about that "part of your stable" nonsense. We will have to talk.)
~ moose

one of us said...

Kukka have you ever thought of hiring Brach as your lawyer and suing? I would ~Shadow