Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I'm With Stupid

As a celebrity feline and exiled empress, I'm a veteran of the "talk show circuit." While I have appeared countless times on Oprah, Letterman, Conan, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, I was never aware there was an underbelly to the talk-show genre. Recently, a new and nefarious world was opened up to me when I accidentally learned to use the remote control.

I am fascinated by daytime talk shows.

At one time, napping, eating, bullying my brother and more napping were the order of the day. Now, I find myself spending countless hours with my new friends Maury, Montel, Dr. Phil and Jerry.

Maury Povich and I met on a cold, winter morning. I had just woken from my mid-morning slumber when, as I stretched, I rolled over onto the remote control. While I'm still unclear as to which button I pressed to get this result, the television suddenly sprung into action and Maury's face filled my screen. Among other critical things, Maury has taught me the importance of paternity tests! No matter what information is revealed from the test, it evokes powerful emotions from people. Sometimes the woman will jump up, scream, laugh, stomp her feet, clap and point to some guy sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. More often than not, the woman will scream, cry, throw herself on the floor, get back up and run from the stage in tears while the guy sitting on the couch hi-fives Maury, laughs and points to the woman saying something like, "I told you so, BLEEEEEEEEP!" Fantastic!

Later that same day, I made the acquaintance of Mr. Montel Williams. A strong, focused and powerful presence, Montel let me know how inspirational he was within the first 5 minutes. He literally spelled it out for me by saying, "Today, I am going to inspire you to do greater things in your life and your community!" Unfortunately, that didn't fit well into my own plans for the day, so I farted and fell asleep in the chair, completely missing the feel-good-psychic-babble of his guest, Sylvia Browne. Mr. Williams, you are too intense for me. When you wise up and feature the health benefits of overindulging in cat treats, pooping extensively and napping 18 hours per day, give me a call.

I have to admit, I think Dr. Phil is an ass. I usually wake up from my Montel nap during his show and am too lazy to turn the channel. Pompous, arrogant and domineering, Dr. Phil is not the type of man I want to watch on TV...he's the type of man I date. Having said that, here is my personal message to Dr. Phil (because I know he reads my blog): "Call me, you sexy, balding stud!" I think I may just be the feisty female feline that is capable of putting that man into his place!

Now Jerry Springer is a man who knows how to entertain! I have to believe it is impossible for him to book actual people dripping in their own dysfunction on his show anymore. While the "I-thought-I-was-here-for-a-make-over-and-now-I'm-being-confronted-by-my-husband's-herpes-riddled-girlfriend" shtick worked early on, I find it hard to believe that bait and switch strategy is effective now that people know his game. Regardless, the man hires poor-to-mediocre actors who know how to get the audience riled up and on their feet chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" We don't care if the tragic stories are real anymore--we are just relieved to know our own lives could be so much worse, but aren't! The cheating hermaphroditic prostitute said it best when she yelled, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME! SIT DOWN! GET OVER IT!" Get over it, indeed!

Last night, so concerned over what I saw on Maury during the day, I told my mom I needed a paternity test. With a troubled look on her face, she asked, "Do you even know what a paternity test is, Kukka-Maria?"

"Uh...yes!" I exclaimed with forced confidence, attempting to disguise that, in fact, I do not know what a paternity test is...exactly. "I watch Maury!"

"Well, I have news for you! You've seen your last daytime talk show and, NO...you can not get a paternity test!!" she exclaimed, locking the remote control away with the also-off-limits-tampons.

Perhaps I should sue her to get the remote back. Does anyone know how I can reach Judge Judy?

10 comments:

The Meezers said...

HAHAHAHAHA. Kukka-Maria, you are amazing. Oh, and we also fart and roll over to go back to sleep when Montel is on - 'cept when he does paternity tests on his show. he used to do them lots.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

It all sounds fascinating. We simply MUST find out where Mom puts the remote while she's at work!

dominousernamesleft said...

I fart during every show...Montel, Friends, Sex and the City...

DEBRA said...

Kukka Maria

Me thinks you should do a daytime TV talk show for FELINES. Just think of the possibilities. Topics could include "How to get a man with tempting stinky goodness"; "Tummy Tucks & Tail Lifts"; and of course "Training Your Human to Be Your Slave".

**ABBY

Edsel/The Pooch said...

oh, that's a fabulous idea! "Afternoons with Kukka" - you have so much to say! call CBS, call NBC, wait! call CNN, they could call it "Breaking News with Kukka"! can i help with your wardrobe (wink, wink)?

Fat Eric said...

Ooh, I would REALLY like to see the transcript of "Kukka on Judge Judy"...!!! We don't know all the American shows but my mum got hooked on Judge Judy when she went to New York.
BUT!!! Before you sue your mum for the return of the remote, Kukka, BEWARE! Remotes can be dangerous! And I have a bump on my head to prove it!

Derby said...

Yes, Kukka, having your own show would be nice. NBC needs some hit shows, call them. You have a ready fan base and lots of kitties to come on the show too.

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Where is that remote? Mom, Mom, we wants to see the funny shows! Kukka-Maria might be hostin soon.

Bonnie said...

YES! Kukka needs her own show! All about cats and their issues! Cats NEEd this sort of recognition...

Anonymous said...

uff tanto gato me diĆ³ alergia....


atchus, atchus,