Friday, March 10, 2006

Kukka-Maria "Tells-All" to Oprah

The following is the transcript of the Oprah interview following this last week's drama. Because I am not sure when this will be airing, I thought it wise to print the conversation here to squelch the many rumors that are circulating about my obvious absence from the Oscars, my alleged hospitalization for "exhaustion," my alleged drug and alcohol problems and my alleged inappropriate and tasteless behavior at Magoo's birthday party last weekend.

Hopefully, this interview will address the squillions of questions with which I have been bombarded. Oprah placed only one condition on my printing the transcript here. So her questions will stand out from my responses and they will match the outfit she wore that day, her questions will be featured in bold, italicized and tinted print.

Kukka-Maria interview with Oprah Winfrey
March 9, 2006

Oprah: Kukka-Maria, Kukka-Maria, KUK-KA-MA-RI-A! What is going on with you, girl? Let me start by asking the question on everyone's mind: we were all looking forward to seeing you present "Best Foreign Language Film" at Sunday's Academy Awards. When Will Smith walked out on stage, you could hear the buzz throughout the audience as they wondered where you were! Some of the rumors circulating your absence deal with a stint in rehab to address a raging catnip and alcohol addiction, a secret pregnancy, and a hush-hush wedding to your former love, Brad Pitt! Is there any truth to these rumors?

Kukka-Maria: No, Oprah! Not at all! First off, there is no truth to the "bump watch" rumors or wedding to my ex, Brad. You can check my medical records, Oprah! When I was a kitten, I was spayed, making it impossible for me to conceive. And, while Brad and I had a torrid love affair in the past, we are just good friends now. In fact, Angelina and Brad recently asked if they could name their baby after me--"Kukka-Maria" for a girl and "Kukka-Mario" for a boy. As for the rumored addiction to catnip and alcohol? Yes, I had an "over-indulgent" weekend beginning with my friend Magoo's 10th birthday party and fueled further by my excitement over the Oscars. I had some catnip. I sipped some wine. These things, by themselves, would not have been a problem had I not had surgery the week before.

O: SURGERY? Are you sick, Kukka?

K: No, no! I guess if there is a confession to make on your show here today, it's that I had a "cosmetic procedure" done.

O: You had cosmetic surgery? Why?! You are beautiful just the way you are, Kukka! (Pause for thundering applause and cheers from the audience. Leaning in, Oprah continues...) Can I ask what you had done, who did it, and if I can have their phone number?

K: You can ask, but I'm not telling you everything! I won't tell you what procedure I underwent, but I will tell you my regular veterinarian refused to do the surgery, calling cosmetic surgery for pets "inappropriate" and "questionably ethical, at best"--which I thought was a bit ironic. This, from the guy who thinks there is nothing wrong with sticking a thermometer up my ass! I think that is the definition of "inappropriate" and "questionably ethical!" (The audience bursts into tumultuous cheers, applause, and laughter) Anyway, when my vet shot me down, as many domesticated animals do in the United States, I turned to our more liberal and progressive neighbor-to-the-north, Canada.

O: Canada...ok. I've heard about people going to Canada to have medical procedures performed--and to get prescription drugs!

K: Yes, well, my troubles really began with the Canadian-prescribed pain medicine.

O: Ok, ok...go on.

K: After the out-patient procedure--which went off without a hitch, I was prescribed pain medicine, which I filled at a Canadian pharmacy. Let me be clear here, everyone in Canada did a great job. The problem was that I don't read, speak or understand Canadian English. The instructions and warning label on the bottle were in Canadian English!

O: Uh-oh. That couldn't have been good! (In unison, the audience says, "Ooooooh!")

K: (Pulling an empty pill bottle from her fanny-pack, Kukka reads aloud in an awkward and forced Canadian accent) "Don'tcha bother taking more den 2 pills every 12 hours, ya hoser! If ya do, yer gonna find yerself in a pretty soary state, eh? And don't be a canucklehead and mix these pills with yer Molson or Labatt Blue, eh? We don't wanna have to tell you aboot the dangers of that!" Even now, Oprah, I don't understand what I just read to you!

O: Kukka, you might as well have just said something in German to me! (Turning to the audience and raising her voice 122 decibels, Oprah continues) I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL! Am I supposed to take pills or are you?! It's THAT confusing to me!! (The audience bursts into screaming and deafening applause)

K: So you understand, Oprah, I didn't know what dose to take. After what seemed like hours of staring at the pill bottle, I decided it was telling me to take 12 pills every 2 hours--with wine.

O: That makes sense to me...

K: I started them and by Friday, was feeling strong enough to go to Magoo's birthday party. From what I understand, I made quite an impression on the other guests! In fact, after the party, in my staggering condition, I even accused the party guests of slipping a Roofie into my catniptini! How embarrassing!

O: After your friend's party, you started preparing for the Oscars. What happened, Kukka?

K: Historically, Oscar weekend has been a three-day party, filled with catnip and booze. This weekend was going to be no different. Because I don't remember much about Saturday afternoon and evening, and because I know how many chemicals I had in my system, I have no reason to doubt Brach's version of the evening's events. The way the night ended, though, was disappointing.

O: How so, Kukka? (The audience and Oprah collectively lean in to hear Kukka's response)

K: Because...(Kukka daintily wipes a tear from her eye, then licks her paw and proceeds to rub it repeatedly across her face as she continues) my family, of all people, should have known I would not purposefully abuse catnip and alcohol. There was not a need for the drama of an intervention, nor the emotional trauma of being sent to rehab. I know my brother loves me and was only trying his best to do right by me, but it hurt that he wouldn't listen when I told him I had not had that much catnip or wine. It was the innocent misunderstanding regarding my prescription pill dosage that was to blame for my behavior.

O: Wow, Kukka! That is a pretty intense story! Now that the whole situation is behind you, is there anything you want to say to anyone who may have been hurt by your inadvertent misuse of your Canadian prescribed pain killers?

K: Yes, Oprah, thank you. I do have some contrived and insincere apologies to make:

  • Magoo--I am sorry that I was wasted at your birthday party and accused your guests of slipping Roofies into my niptini.
  • Charlie--I apologize for shamelessly flirting with you at the party and leading you on.
  • Angel (Charlie's true love)--I am sorry that I threatened to claw your eyes out if you didn't keep your dirty paws off my new man, Charlie. Wait...I don't know that I ever actually said that out loud, so I really shouldn't have to apologize, right?
  • Brach--I am sorry I picked a fight with you and accused you of being jealous that I was invited to the Oscars and you were not. You are jealous of me for many reasons, but that just isn't one of them.
  • Mom and her friends--I apologize for trying to drink your wine. Clearly, if any of you had been thinking straight, you would have just bought me my own bottle and it wouldn't have been so awkward.
  • Sid Ganis--I am sorry that you had to have Will Smith present in my place at the Oscars. I know you worked hard to negotiate my appearance and how chaotic it must have been for you to manage the press attention once my cancellation was announced. I'll make it up to you by letting you buy me dinner. Have your people call my people.
  • Three 6 Mafia--My bad! It was hella bootsy of me to bail on my homies, fo' sheazy! I ain't frontin' when I say that you playas are straight-up tight and I'm glad you my folks! You feelin' me?
  • Karl Lagerfeld--I am so sorry that I vomited wine-soaked cat treats down the front of the beautiful gown you so graciously designed for me and that, thanks to my bile, it will never--ever--see a red carpet.
  • And to my two fine tomcats, William and Moose--I am sorry if you have been plagued night and day by the press, asking for comments on my condition. Even though you know that dealing with the tabloids is a dark and sinister part of dating a celebrity like myself (but not the only dark and sinister part), I know it's been rough on you. I thank you for your loyalty.

O: Kukka-Maria, I thank you for your candidness in talking with us today. And, I must say that whatever "procedure" you had done suits you! I've been sneaking glances over your entire body throughout this interview and I can not find a scar on you! Nicely done, Canadian doctors!

K: Thank you for having me, Oprah. I appreciate the opportunity to set the record straight. And, yes...I'm still hot!

O: (In a volume that is just two decibels shy of making your ear-drums bleed, Oprah shouts) KU-KA-MA-RI-A, EVERYBODY! (The audience bursts into monstrous applause and cheers)

18 comments:

The Meezers said...

Poor Kukka, don't the far-ma-cies know that cats can't read ofer languages? how awful for you! - your admirer from afar Miles

Catsmeow05 said...

Excellent interview Kukka-Maria. But inquiring minds still want to know - What did you have done? I know - you ain't meowing. Well, whatever it was - You are right - You are still HOT!!

The Meezers said...

Hey Brach, just a note on the comment you left on our blog - Dude, we would NEVER think you were stinky!

beingmccrary said...

Kukka,
After reading that entire entry, the only thing that sticks in my mind is....FANNY PACK?? Kukka! Fanny packs are so 1992. OR, are they making a comeback and I'm just not in the loop???

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, Stacey...clearly you are unfamiliar with the latest trends off of the Parisian runways!

Fanny packs are coming back! I'm glad to know I'm the first of your friends to sport the belted purse.

I'm such a trendsetter, eh? (I'm now studying Canadian English)

beingmccrary said...

Kukka! You are always and will continue to be, one step ahead of me!

PrincessMia said...

My dahling KM, I'm so glad to finally hear the truth straight from you. I was always suspicious of Brach and his torrid stories about you. Thank goodness you are back. I will tell the mom to DVR Oprah so we don't miss your appearance.

Fat Eric said...

Hmmm...I'm not sure this tallies with Brach's version of events. Far be it from me to doubt a lady's word, but I have to trust my ginger gangmate, you know??

one of us said...

Wow, what a story...~Merlin, SHadow, Ko Ko

William said...

1. You said squillions again!
2. Charlie??

Kukka-Maria said...

William, oh precious William! My flirtation with Charlie was only the Canadian drugs talking! While Charlie is an attractive cat (I don't want to burn any bridges there...), he is just not my type!

My type is a bad-boy who likes to sneak into drawers and cupboards to get weather-stripping and toilet parts!

Athena said...

Oh Kukka-Maria! I am so glad your ordeal is over!

Les Trois Chats said...

Okay, first - CHARLIE? Who the @%#& is CHARLIE? (I admit, I am jealous and immature - but I'm not even ONE yet - I'm supposed to be immature!)

Kukka Maria, you are going to send me into therapy. I am trying my best to be a bad boy, but I have no freaking idea how to get into drawers!!! I don't understand weather-stripping! I don't know how to get the toilet parts off the toilet! (Not for lack of trying, in any of these cases.)

I could handle the William rivalry, because, well, he's worthy as a rival. But now there's this CHARLIE twat to deal with, and I can't take it!

I agree with Eric. I'm gonna have to trust Brach. Brach, have you got advice for me???

~ moose

Beau said...

Whew! Being royalty sure can be hard! By the way, have you heard about the Catolympics? Come to my site for details and to sign up!

Kukka-Maria said...

Moose!! A bad boy I am glad you are not! The thing that attracts me to you is your innocence and enthusiasm! Don't go hunting for weather-stripping or toilet parts--that just isn't the sweetness that is you.

While Charlie is a friend, I don't like him "like that!" Only you (and William and, I am sure, other cats that catch my eye--I'm sorry, I'm a floosie!) know how to reach my heart in that manner.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Dear Empress...so well loved. Your adoring public will forgive everything!

feedscott said...

I was going to comment on the post and then I saw the comment tag:

Steaming Litter Critter roflh.

I never thought of myself that way for sure :)

Are you a vurf?

pvtbfs

K T Cat said...

LOL!