Friday, April 07, 2006

Memory Madness

Ugh! I'm so glad March Madness is over! During this time, it's hard for me to avoid all-things-basketball (even though my mom never watches and I'm not allowed to put any money on the games...anymore).

The game of basketball brings nothing but grief and a flood of bad memories! While one particular debacle in my past was not tied to college basketball, the thumping of the ball against the boards is enough to put me back to that time and place--where everything went crazy in the name of Kukka.

Many of you may remember the bru-ha-ha at the Pacers/Pistons game back on November 19, 2004. Come on..."The Malice at the Palace?" "The Throw-down in Motown?" You know the game, but did you know it was started over me?

The official word was that when Detroit's Ben Wallace went up for a "layover" (or whatever it is called), Indiana's Ron Artest laid some fierce foulage on him from behind. Wallace, a bit perturbed at Artest's defense strategy, shoved Artest in the face, bringing the team members from both benches out on the courts--fists a-flyin'.

When it seemed that things were simmering down, Artest was then struck by a full cup of urine.* Drenched and peeved, Artest and Pacer's team-mate Stephen Jackson leapt into the stands and began serving up knuckle sandwiches. Damn Hoosiers!

* (Editor's note: The contents of the cup were unidentified. Any implication that the cup contained human waste is Kukka exaggerating to generate drama.)

Riiiiiight...a disagreement over a basketball game and a little cup o' bodily fluid brought the crowd to fisticuffs? I think not.

The following is an excerpt from my diary, dated November 19, 2004. While most of the public will remember the ruckus as a "foul gone bad," it will forever live in my memory as "the night my man-juggling got a little out of control." Perhaps this can answer some questions:

Dear Diary,

Tonight was pretty uneventful. I had dinner with Ben Wallace before his basketball game tonight. He is so cute! In an unrelated story, my boyfriend from Indiana, Ron Artest, is in town--something to do with his job. I think we're going to try to connect for drinks later. They are both so yummy--and they are both obsessed with little ol' me! Hurray!

Let's get to the important stuff, dear diary. My hair looked incredible today. I don't know if it was my blonde highlights or the new hairspray (which makes my fur taste terribly, by the way), but I looked H...O...T...HOT! Everyone thought so, too. They were all, "You look so hot, Kukka!" And I was like, "I know, huh?" And they were all, "How do you get your hair so bouncy and shiny?" And I was like, "'s, like, my secret. I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!" And they laughed like I was joking. But I wasn't.

Anyway, I think things are getting serious between Ben and me...and Ron and me. Juggling men in two different states could be considered a challenge by a lesser-woman, but for me, it's all in a day's work. I think it would be incredibly awkward if Ben and Ron were to find out about one another. Ben would be all, "Kukka, who is this other dude?" And I would be like, "There is no one else but you, baby!" Then Ron would be all, "No one else? Baby?! What the hell, Kukka?! I'm standing right here and can hear everything you're saying!" And I would be like, "Oh...Ron! Hey everyone, look! My halter top just fell off!" Problem solved.

UGH! Brach is such a PEST! He thought it would be funny to hide around a corner and attack me when I came into the living room. I hope I can get enough signatures on my petition to remove him from our home permanently. Right now, I'm the only one who has signed it, but I'm working on Mom and I think with just a little more convincing, she'll sign.

Well, dear diary, I have to go. Ron should be picking me up when his "business obligation" is finished. I hope he doesn't get mad when I don't put out again tonight. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: "I'm not a slut...I'm a tease!"


P.S. Do you like my new nickname, dear diary? I think it's the shiz-nit! Fo' sheezy!

As you can see, trouble was a-brewing. Until Ron stood me up that night (because of his arrest and subsequent arraignment), I didn't realize they both played basketball and that it was only as Ben was trying to score on the Pacers, that he found out Ron was trying to score on his foxy lady.


I guess that's when I learned the best way to juggle your men is to put it out there in the open. William, Moose and Buddy all know about one another and so far, no problems! And, as a bonus, I don't think any of them play basketball, so it's all good.

Oh, before I forget: If you want to sign the petition to evict Brach, I am still taking signatures.


Les Trois Chats said...

Kukka, I'm so glad that we've decided to have this, um, open relationship. I'm perfectly fine with William, though still unsure on this Buddy fellow - but hey, it's your decision, as you are an independent woman. So I guess it's perfectly fine with you if I am playing the field as well. I mean, if it's good for the goose... it's good for the moose.
~ moose (aka loverboy)

Gigolo Kitty said...

GK has the same opinions about relationships. He his perfectly open about his desire to date several admirers simultaneously. True, his Poor Mistress has to pay a lot in damages to the neighbors psychiatric counseling, but so far, he has not suffered from any personal injury.

Bonnie said...

Kukka Maria,

I can't believe the horrible things Cheysuli has said about you. Mom had to go and clean up the post on the blog because that cat was horrible. She thinks all striped cats look fat. You know you are my idol and I look to your for advice. My stripes aren't as nice as yours and my coat isn't as smooth (mom says I'm puffy) but I think you are beautiful and I hope you don't let Cheysuli's commentary get you down.

She's kind of stuck up.


Bonnie said...

Ps. Chey's place has a link from my blog because Mom won't take it off..


Fat Eric said...

Being British, I don't really understand basketball, but this all sounds like one big mess...maybe it's time you tidied up your personal life a little, Kukka-Maria?
I fear I could not possibly sign an anti-Brach petition, he is one of my best ginger buddies. Who wouldn't want a Gorgeous Ginger kitty living with them??

pandora and charlie said...

He could come and live here.......




PleadingThe5th said...


You're a stronger girl than I. I FEAR THE FRO!


Edsel/The Pooch said...

kukka ma-frickin'-ria -
i KNEW there was more behind that horrible brawl at the Palace. i had no idea you were the cause....Ben and Ron in a CATFIGHT -hahahahahah
p.s. i can't sign a petition that would make a kitty homeless, sorry

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Kukka-ma-frickin-ria is just the coolest name. I don't know though, triple men, triple trouble...