Monday, April 10, 2006

Meredith Vieira out!
Kukka-Maria in?


I know, I know...I've heard all of the rumors, too. Let me be the first to tell you, I am not in the running to replace Meredith Vieira on The View.

It all started many weeks ago when the Katie Couric/CBS Evening News rumors began. First, I had tabloid journalists contacting me at all hours of the day to find out if I was going to replace Katie. Don't they realize how early I would have to get up in order to be on The Today Show? Alarm clocks + Kukka-Maria = MAYHEM.

After I nixed those rumors, it was announced that Meredith Vieira would be taking over Katie's spot and leaving her chair vacant on The View. The phone started ringing again. This time, though, the calls weren't from the tabloids. They were from Barbara Walters! Barbara has been phoning our house 8-10 times per day over the last week. During the typical call, she cries, pleads and begs me to consider joining them at the table.

At first, my responses to her tear-soaked pleas were polite and respectful. After awhile, though, I found I had to be more direct and curt: "Barbara...seriously! Have some self-respect, woman! Shameless begging doesn't suit a woman of your stature--or age!"

To help my fans (and Ms. Walters...because I know you're reading this, Barbara!) understand my position, I am going to take the opportunity to offer up the reasons I am refusing to join The View team:

  • Even I would feel guilty making Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry when I dethrone her by taking her title as "The Young and Cute One!"
  • ABC sponsors fear the PETA letter-writing campaign against me wearing a fur coat on television will cause an outbreak of product boycotts. Like we couldn't stand to sell less diapers, tampons, cleaning products and diet pills?
  • I can only pretend Joy Behar's jokes are funny for so many hours on end before it's clear I'm faking.
  • ABC seems to think that hiring a "cat" means they can save some money! You can't pay me in cat treats, ABC. It's all about the Benjamins!
  • Simply stated: Star Jones Reynolds' Doritos/Slim-Fast breath.
  • It's hard enough keeping my name out of the tabloids, I don't need the stress of being romantically linked to every sexy, male guest!
  • It would drive me insane to hear the incessant whine of Barbara Walters complaining that the reflection of the lights off my tiara creates dark circles under her eyes on camera!
  • Being on The View might compromise my reputation as a "serious journalist."
  • The racists at ABC refuse to stock "Tabby Tint" striped make-up back stage for their feline employees! "Suntan" and "Nude" just won't cut it with my complexion.
  • Connie Chung, who is another woman being considered to place Meredith, is one crazy bitch! Where I come from, not pissing off Connie Chung is a good life rule.
  • They expect me to sit in a chair instead of a jeweled throne!
  • I don't have room in my trophy case for another Daytime Emmy.
  • Star Jones Reynolds was unbearable before--can you imagine how intolerable she is now that her boobs have been lifted? I just threw up a little bit in my mouth...
  • The crew and their crass feline slurs. "Here, Pussy!" coupled with the pre-pubescent tittering of grown camera men is appalling!
  • ABC considers spreading a red carpet everywhere I walk "excessive." Whatever...
  • I refuse to kiss Barbara Walters' ring before every episode and her ass during every episode.

As you can see, I had a lot of things to consider. I know, dear fans, how disappointing it must be that I am refusing this opportunity, but I'm hoping you will see the decision to refuse Barbara was clear.

Now, Ms. Barbara Walters, stop calling my house or I'll change my phone number!


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

I'm so relieved to hear you've declined the lowly offer of "The View". Not being able to stomach those women for more than a few minutes, it's good to know you won't be joining their ranks.

You are SO above all of them!



Gemini said...

Had you wanted Katie's job, you would have been purrfect... but the View--you can do better!

Thanks for you kind words!

Finnegan & Buddy said...

Miss Kukka, you are compleetly rite to refuse their "offer". If they don't have the proper respekt for the Empress, who needs them? You shood have a tv show all by yoreself. Who wants to watch all those beans anyway?

Finny & Buddy

Gigolo Kitty said...

Good call Kukka! Its time The View was retired from public view.

If for nothing else, sure we don't deserve Star Jones!

Edsel/The Pooch said...

you can do better Kukka-Ma-frickin'-ria

Max said...

But if you took the job, I would watch you every day!!!

Fat Eric said...

Being in Britain, we don't know who all these TV people are, but we know you are pretty funny, Kukka! It's a shame we can't see you on British TV.

one of us said...

We can only say, "Thank You Kukka for refusing The View". We would have felt compelled to watch you since we are admiring fans and after so many episodes of the obnoxious show we would have had to knock ourselves off. ~Merlin, Shadow, Ko Ko

mrsmogul said...

COnnie CHung is still around on TV? I used to work for Maury's show LOL sister-in-law goes to the View all the time!

Sanjee said...

You and my Mommy must be related cuz she hates alarm clocks too.

William said...

Kukka, when are these people going to understand that you need your OWN show? Your own network, even!

I think you might need a better agent to shield you from these puny offers.

DEBRA said...


I say if you want a job in the network news department, tell Brian Jennings to leave and take over. You could do a much better job than he does and then we'd have all females on the evening news.


**ABBY(the miniature manx)

Badness said...


You made a very wise decision. You should co-anchor with Katie. I think she may need some feline help.