I have some interesting news to share!
Tom Cruise called me last night. I know what you're thinking, "But, Kukka, that's not news! Doesn't Tom call you all the time?"
Yes, he does. This time, though, he called to make a special request of me. I had my agent put together the transcript of our conversation for your reading enjoyment:
Thursday, April 13, 2006
TOM: "Hey there, Foxy Feline! What's going on?"
MOM: "Hi, Tom. This isn't Kukka-Maria--it's her mom. Hang on. I'll get her."
KUKKA: "What's up, Maverick?"
TOM: "Holy Xenu! That was embarrassing! I can't believe I thought your mom was you!"
KUKKA: "No worries, Tom. After all, you've done far more embarrassing things in your life than this!"
TOM: "What are you getting at?"
KUKKA: "Nothing. So, what's going on?"
TOM: "Well, we at TomKat are missing you something fierce, Empress!"
KUKKA: "Right. Tell me something I don't know! Wait. You just did. When did you start referring to yourselves as 'TomKat?' I thought the media gave you that name."
TOM: "It's funny you ask. Actually, Kate and I were the ones who came up with the clever moniker! One night, on our way home from the Scientology Celebrity Centre, we were overcome with how freakin' adorable we were! It was staggering! To celebrate our cuteness, we started calling ourselves 'TomKat.' It just sucks that the media has tainted our precious nickname by using it to criticize us."
KUKKA: "I know, Tom. There is nothing more precious than non-publicity-seeking, true love."
BRACH: (Dialing phone from another extension) BEEP-BOOP-BOOP-BEEP-BOOP...
KUKKA: "HELLO! Brach, I'm on the phone!"
BRACH: "Kukka, I need the phone."
KUKKA: "Well, I'm on it right now. Deal with it."
BRACH: "Seriously, Kukka! I need the phone! I'm trying to solidify my weekend plans."
KUKKA: "MOM! BRACH IS TRYING TO BE THE BOSS OF ME!!"
BRACH: (Hanging up the phone) "Whatever..."
KUKKA: "Sorry about that, Tom. Where were we?"
TOM: "Kukka, actually Kate and I have a huge favor to ask of you."
KUKKA: "Talk to me."
TOM: "Kate and I would be honored if you would agree to be the Xenu Matriarch for our pending genetic descendent."
KUKKA: "You want me to be the god mother to your new baby?"
KUKKA: "I'll have to give it careful consideration, Tom..."
TOM: "I feel the need...the need for speed!"
KUKKA: "I'm sorry, but I will not be rushed into a decision, Tom. That is, unless you SHOW ME THE MONEY!"
TOM: "Quoting my movies is lame, Kukka."
KUKKA: (Covering the phone receiver) "Unless you're TOM FREAKIN' CRUISE and jumping on Oprah's couch, then I guess it's okay, huh?"
TOM: "What was that, Kukka-Maria?"
KUKKA: "Nothing. Listen, Tom...I've thought about it enough. I don't think it's the right thing for me to do right now. We've been friends a long time, Mav, and I treasure our relationship; however, lately it seems you've been riding the crazy train at full-throttle and I hesitate to align myself with you publicly."
TOM: "Is that why you often mention your past love affair with Brad Pitt on your blog, but never speak about our engagement?"
KUKKA: "Tom, are you telling me you read my blog?"
TOM: "I've googled your name once or twice..."
KUKKA: "That means a lot to me, but I'm still not going to be the Xenu Matriarch. Aside from your unpredictably bizarre behavior, the whole idea of Scientology creeps me out. I've never fully recovered from the Operating Thetan Level VIII ritual out at sea when John Travolta got a little handsy with me. I'm still a ginormous Tom Cruise fan and I value our private friendship, but my career is skyrocketing right now and I feel that taking on the role of TomKat family Xenu Matriarch, is the last thing I should be doing right now. I hope you understand my position, Tommy."
TOM: (Sobbing) "Goose you big stud, take me to bed or lose me forever!"
KUKKA: "Tom, that didn't even make sense! And it wasn't even your line!"
TOM: "I know."
KUKKA: "Listen, Tom. Brach is giving me dirty looks because he needs to use the phone, and, quite honestly, this whole conversation of ours has gotten a little weird."
KUKKA: "Are you going to be alright?"
TOM: "I. Guess. So."
KUKKA: "Tom, there's one other thing you should know about me. I take Xanax, Valium, Lithium and a Prozac/Zoloft cocktail every day. Cocktail...get it? Like your movie, Cocktail?"
TOM: "Oh, shit..."
KUKKA: "Listen, I'll talk to you later, Tom. Give my love to Katie."
TOM: (Sobbing and sniffling) "Ok. Bye, Kukka-Maria."
KUKKA: (Hanging up the phone) "PHONE'S FREE, BRACH! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!"