Monday, April 17, 2006

"No Blogging" for Celebrity Feline Blogger

West Michigan (AP) -- According to her representatives, celebrity feline blogger, Empress Kukka-Maria, has been restricted from blogging for 24 hours.

A source close to the cat--who wishes to remain anonymous--says that the punishment fits the crime. "Kukka sometimes thinks she is a human and, consequently, finds herself in sticky situations. She also has never been someone who honors the boundaries of others; what happened this weekend is yet another example of this. Oh, and she is selfish! Make sure you write that she is extremely selfish!"

Reportedly, it began with a Sunday evening dinner. For her own evening meal, Kukka's mother/agent served up Chicken Alfredo. She decided to watch some television while eating, so she brought her plate to the couch with her.

Within minutes, Kukka-Maria made her move. According to witnesses, Kukka stealthily climbed onto the couch and, for several minutes, seemed to be engrossed in a classic episode of "Saved by the Bell."

"She seemed to be enjoying the 'Jessie's Song' episode--you know the one where Jessie Spano is struggling to juggle the obligations of her singing group and midterms so she turns to caffeine pills? Anyway, Kukka was staring at the TV, so I didn't think anything of setting my plate on my lap--unguarded. I had no clue that watching Jessie's caffeine pill rollercoaster would leave me vulnerable to the eating machine that is my cat," sobbed Kukka's mother.

Witnesses say that during the heated Slater/Jessie stand-off around the dangers of pills, Kukka made her move. With the speed of a cheetah and the grace of a ballerina, the feisty feline buried her face in Chicken Alfredo and began to chow down.

The anonymous source saw the entire thing. "One minute, we were watching Jessie's caffeine break-down and the next, Kukka's face was buried in Mom's...I mean, that lady's dinner, and her butt was high in the air. It was wrong on so many levels!"

Before Kukka could swallow the first bite, her mother pulled the plate away and firmly reprimanded her.

"I said 'NO' in the loudest and most threatening version of my voice," said the blogging cat's mother. "If I were her, I would have jumped off of the couch immediately to avoid dealing with my wrath!"

Witnesses say that, despite everyone's prediction of a "Flight Response," Kukka-Maria did the opposite. She callously stared her mother down with remorseless rage.

"I said 'NO' again and began trying to push her off of the couch. She wouldn't budge! I tried lifting her butt and pushing it forward, but her front paws were firmly planted on the couch, so it just looked like I was lifting and lowering her ass with a forklift! That cat is a stubborn one," recounted the headstrong cat's mother. "Finally, after remembering I am the mother and therefore the boss, I gave her a swat on her butt and lifted her off of the couch, amidst her animated vocal protests."

Knowing how much she enjoys blogging, Kukka's mom knew exactly what punishment would have the greatest impact on her cat. "She expected me to withhold treats for a day or something just as lame. I sure surprised her with the announcement that, due to her choices and disrespectful behavior, she will be grounded from the computer for 24 hours--longer if she continues to have this sassy attitude!"

Dr. Hershal Baumanstein, an expert in feline behavior, offered his own opinion of this situation. "I'm confused. I get that the cat ate the dinner, but I don't understand how restricting her computer use is effective. I'm sorry, but since when can cats use computers? Has this woman been evaluated by a psychiatrist?"

At press-time, Kukka-Maria had not returned our repeated calls for an interview.


brandywine said...

Hi,(sob...) My name is Brandy...and I am a people-food eater. ("Hi Brandy"...all reply) it all started off innocently enough, crumbs, table droppings...then I started with the real hard stuff...unattended pizza slices! I know you pain Kukka. Just say NO! You made comments about your "womanly curves" earlier....don't "go Garfield" on us just yet. Stay strong!!

Edsel/The Pooch said...

chicken alfredo? what happened to ham? it's easter.......ham is what you're sposed to be eatin'

The Meezers said...

Grab and Run Kukka. It's always Grab and Run. Get your face in there, stuff as much food in your mouf as you can an RUN RUN RUN far away and under somefing. It werks efurry time for me. - Miles

Derby said...

SASSY???? You taking lessons from me, hehehe.

I am alway ready to help mum eats her dinner. But she doesn't get so involved with TV that she forgets me.

Gemini said...

Wow! No one will be blogging tomorrow.. sigh. First the Meezers with their punishment for MY party and now Kukka.. gosh Tuesday will be a boring day

Cheysuli said...

I can understand the stubbornness--after all you were attached to those noodles, but I'm with the Miles and Sammy (it could be a Siamese thing) it's GRAB and RUN. You grab as much as you can stuff in your mouth (and I can stuff a surprising amount) and then you run and leave them to wonder what happened to the food...

William said...

Kukka, now that I've read the entire account of what happened, I repeat the same offer I made after you told me on my blog. Your mother desperately needs retraining of some sort.

Cruxley said...

This story brought a smile to my face and reminded me of my old friend Miss Kitty, who once stole the meat out of a Schlotzky's sandwich just as the woman was lifting it to her mouth to take a bite. Miss Kitty just grabbed the meat in her teeth, pulled it out of the sandwich and ran. She told me she knew she would get in trouble but it was worth it. The humans were laughing so hard, they forgot to punish her. I sure miss the old girl.

Midnight said...

Kukka-Kukka-Kuu-Kkaa! Everyone is right, you must chomp and run, run, run Kukka, run! Sorry to hear about the grounding. Humans are so stingy. Can't we all just share? My dad likes to give me steak to keep me healthy. :)

beingmccrary said...

Don't worry Kukka, I too, have been known for burying my head in a plate of chicken alfredo on more than one occasion.

Zeus said...

It would seem your mistake, Empress Kukka, was assuming that the human pet could be distracted enough by Saved by the Bell to not notice your delvings into her Alfredo. Next time, go for food during ER, Survivor, or even The Amazing Race. Human pets seem unable to notice much else when those are on.