West Michigan (AP) -- According to her representatives, celebrity feline blogger, Empress Kukka-Maria, has been restricted from blogging for 24 hours.
A source close to the cat--who wishes to remain anonymous--says that the punishment fits the crime. "Kukka sometimes thinks she is a human and, consequently, finds herself in sticky situations. She also has never been someone who honors the boundaries of others; what happened this weekend is yet another example of this. Oh, and she is selfish! Make sure you write that she is extremely selfish!"
Reportedly, it began with a Sunday evening dinner. For her own evening meal, Kukka's mother/agent served up Chicken Alfredo. She decided to watch some television while eating, so she brought her plate to the couch with her.
Within minutes, Kukka-Maria made her move. According to witnesses, Kukka stealthily climbed onto the couch and, for several minutes, seemed to be engrossed in a classic episode of "Saved by the Bell."
"She seemed to be enjoying the 'Jessie's Song' episode--you know the one where Jessie Spano is struggling to juggle the obligations of her singing group and midterms so she turns to caffeine pills? Anyway, Kukka was staring at the TV, so I didn't think anything of setting my plate on my lap--unguarded. I had no clue that watching Jessie's caffeine pill rollercoaster would leave me vulnerable to the eating machine that is my cat," sobbed Kukka's mother.
Witnesses say that during the heated Slater/Jessie stand-off around the dangers of pills, Kukka made her move. With the speed of a cheetah and the grace of a ballerina, the feisty feline buried her face in Chicken Alfredo and began to chow down.
The anonymous source saw the entire thing. "One minute, we were watching Jessie's caffeine break-down and the next, Kukka's face was buried in Mom's...I mean, that lady's dinner, and her butt was high in the air. It was wrong on so many levels!"
Before Kukka could swallow the first bite, her mother pulled the plate away and firmly reprimanded her.
"I said 'NO' in the loudest and most threatening version of my voice," said the blogging cat's mother. "If I were her, I would have jumped off of the couch immediately to avoid dealing with my wrath!"
Witnesses say that, despite everyone's prediction of a "Flight Response," Kukka-Maria did the opposite. She callously stared her mother down with remorseless rage.
"I said 'NO' again and began trying to push her off of the couch. She wouldn't budge! I tried lifting her butt and pushing it forward, but her front paws were firmly planted on the couch, so it just looked like I was lifting and lowering her ass with a forklift! That cat is a stubborn one," recounted the headstrong cat's mother. "Finally, after remembering I am the mother and therefore the boss, I gave her a swat on her butt and lifted her off of the couch, amidst her animated vocal protests."
Knowing how much she enjoys blogging, Kukka's mom knew exactly what punishment would have the greatest impact on her cat. "She expected me to withhold treats for a day or something just as lame. I sure surprised her with the announcement that, due to her choices and disrespectful behavior, she will be grounded from the computer for 24 hours--longer if she continues to have this sassy attitude!"
Dr. Hershal Baumanstein, an expert in feline behavior, offered his own opinion of this situation. "I'm confused. I get that the cat ate the dinner, but I don't understand how restricting her computer use is effective. I'm sorry, but since when can cats use computers? Has this woman been evaluated by a psychiatrist?"
At press-time, Kukka-Maria had not returned our repeated calls for an interview.