Thursday, April 06, 2006

Open Letter to my Agent, Vol 3

Dear Buzz-Killer,

It's spring-time again, and I'm stuck at home. It baffles me that you feel it's "inappropriate" for me to head to the tropics for Spring Break! I am young! I am an exuberant and vivacious feline! I deserve the opportunity to wave my freak flag like the rest of Young America!

Kukka MugshotOk, I know you have taken issue with how I've handled myself in Spring Break situations of the past, but I'm mature now! You can't hold me accountable for youthful mistakes for the rest of my life. It's not fair! The fact that I've been arrested for public urination twice in Cancun is a matter of public record. I'm not denying it! For the record, though, I don't agree that I was breaking the law. I'm sorry, but isn't the beach a huge litterbox?

I get that my behavior has embarrassed you, I just don't want you to overlook the amazingly wonderful and generous other things I've accomplished on Spring Break vacations in the past:
  • I've served jello shots to the poor and destitute!
  • I've danced with science geeks, in my bikini, amid a pool of bubbles at SeƱor Frogs! SCIENCE GEEKS! Do you realize how harmful that can be for my reputation?
  • At the beach, I've helped little, old ladies with their bikini tops (taking them off and putting them back on)!
  • I've filled beer bongs for the homeless!
  • I've helped steady drunken and uncoordinated co-eds as they drink upside-down margaritas!

Who is going to spray the rambunctious crowd down with water this year? And what about my wet t-shirt contest title? How am I supposed to defend that from my Michigan home?

UGH! Why must you be the one who controls my social calendar?! You realize that you are risking my reputations as a socialite, right? How I am supposed to fulfill my charitable and social obligations when I'm not even allowed in my own freaking back yard?

I'm off to accomplish the highlight of my spring break this year: a nap. I hope you're happy! Thanks to you, squillions of Spring Breakers will spend most of their vacation looking for me, instead of getting drunk and naked!

Sober and disgusted,
The Empress


Les Trois Chats said...

I guess our plans of mayhem and heartbreaking in Cancun are ruined! To tell the truth, though, Mom has effectively blocked every near-escape I've tried since I arrived. What is with THAT? Harumph.

~ nala

Edsel/The Pooch said...

hahaha - squillions- you used William's word! i'm sorry for you, i'm stuck here in Michigan too. at least i get to go in the yard, maybe you should bite your staff?

one of us said...

Dear Kukka Maria,

Anytime you need a dose of reality (I can understand completely if you don't ever want one), feel free to babysit for me. I only have nine kits at the current time.


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Unfortunately, we indoor kitties have to be satisfied with a spring break filled with bird watching and sniffing the air through the screen door.

beingmccrary said...

I encourage you to start making jello shots and dancing on the countertops right now! Don't let the fact that you are not in Cancun hold you back Miss Kukka!! And just pretend your agents (moms) bed is the beach! :)

Dawn said...

It is definitely a community service to help little old ladies to put their bikini tops on. Adhering them with superglue, however, would probably qualify for a community service award, but alas, ya still dun good, kid!