It's spring-time again, and I'm stuck at home. It baffles me that you feel it's "inappropriate" for me to head to the tropics for Spring Break! I am young! I am an exuberant and vivacious feline! I deserve the opportunity to wave my freak flag like the rest of Young America!
Ok, I know you have taken issue with how I've handled myself in Spring Break situations of the past, but I'm mature now! You can't hold me accountable for youthful mistakes for the rest of my life. It's not fair! The fact that I've been arrested for public urination twice in Cancun is a matter of public record. I'm not denying it! For the record, though, I don't agree that I was breaking the law. I'm sorry, but isn't the beach a huge litterbox?
I get that my behavior has embarrassed you, I just don't want you to overlook the amazingly wonderful and generous other things I've accomplished on Spring Break vacations in the past:
- I've served jello shots to the poor and destitute!
- I've danced with science geeks, in my bikini, amid a pool of bubbles at Señor Frogs! SCIENCE GEEKS! Do you realize how harmful that can be for my reputation?
- At the beach, I've helped little, old ladies with their bikini tops (taking them off and putting them back on)!
- I've filled beer bongs for the homeless!
- I've helped steady drunken and uncoordinated co-eds as they drink upside-down margaritas!
Who is going to spray the rambunctious crowd down with water this year? And what about my wet t-shirt contest title? How am I supposed to defend that from my Michigan home?UGH! Why must you be the one who controls my social calendar?! You realize that you are risking my reputations as a socialite, right? How I am supposed to fulfill my charitable and social obligations when I'm not even allowed in my own freaking back yard?
I'm off to accomplish the highlight of my spring break this year: a nap. I hope you're happy! Thanks to you, squillions of Spring Breakers will spend most of their vacation looking for me, instead of getting drunk and naked!
Sober and disgusted,