Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Going Outside

by Kukka-Maria

I just want to go outside. Can't our mother understand that? I spend hours looking out the window at all sorts of animals that get to frolic in the grass and explore among the trees.

So why am I held up in the house?

I've been to movie premieres, award shows, Brad Pitt's annual naked barbeque...yet I'm not allowed to go into my own back yard? Something is terribly wrong here!

Is it that she doesn't trust me? Is it the rumors of violent squirrel gangs in our area? I can get a bodyguard if that will make her feel more comfortable.

You know, she gets to go outside all the time! What is that about? I'm beginning to think our mother just might be a racist. "Come on, everyone! Let's go outside! Not so fast, you inadequate feline!"

All I want is some raw sunshine on my fur and the opportunity to roll around in the rabbit turds scattered throughout the yard. Plus, she keeps complaining about the damage the moles are doing to the grass; it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize she has a mole hunter locked away in a tower. My money is on the fact that the moles aren't just going to leave on their own. They need a little "Kukka-spiration."

Let me out, woman! I demand it!

by Brach

Going outside. Oh my...I'm getting nervous just thinking about it.

Kukka, remember when we lived at the other house and you escaped outside and hid in the bushes for, like, an hour? I stood at the door and shook violently--I was so scared! And remember the last time we went to the vet and Mom decided the best thing was to put you in the carrier first and add me once we got into the car (I know...I'm not sure what she was thinking, either)? She carried me in her arms to the car and I peed down the front of her shirt. I couldn't help it! I was scared! That doesn't make me less macho, does it?

The dangers of going outside are countless!

First, there are predators. Despite local law, frequently there are dogs roaming around the neighborhood--without leashes! They are just looking for a sweet, ginger feline to invite to dinner, and not as their guest...ifyouknowwhatImean!

Secondly, there are other cats. Feral cats can be tough and territorial! I know you think all strays are sweet cats who are simply displaced. While that is the case for some, what about the cats who killed their humans in cold-blood and took to the streets to escape prosecution, moving from trash can to trash can, murdering anyone who dares cross their paths? What of them? Quit laughing, Kukka-Maria...

Finally, what if we were to get into the street and get hit by a car? I know that, because you have ridden in limos your entire life, Kukka, you believe you know the rules of the road. You are wrong, sister! Did you know there were 4.7 squillion cats hit by cars just last month? And I rounded down that number to be conservative! I'm not willing to take that risk.

So, in closing: Outside=Dangerous Death Trap; Inside=Comfortable and Safe.

Also, Kukka? I hesitate to criticize, but I don't think the term you wanted to use was "racist," but rather "specist." We are not Homo Sapiens, we are Felis Catus. Implying Mom is racist is suggesting she is biased about other races of humans...not cats. And, for the record, I believe our mother is neither racist, nor specist.

Don't claw me in my sleep, Kukka--I'm only trying to mentor you in the ways of the world. And, if I were ever wrong--which is statistically improbable, I hope you would take time to show me the error of my...STOP BITING MY TAIL!


Zeus said...

This is an interesting debate, and I want you to know I seriously considered both of your points before responding.

I do think the world of you, Empress Kukka-Maria, but I believe Brach might be on to something here. I have made it outside three times here at our first house, and all three times, I was terrified (though I am ashamed to admit it). I went from sleek and debonair to the shape of a furry and angry blowfish in a matter of seconds. Between the road, the critters, and the fertilizer on the grass which went in between my claws, it's diabolical.

Oh, and have I mentioned I have allergies?!

And let's not forget what my human pet was told when she picked me up from Animal Rescue:

Now, Marina, be careful with Graham (yes, I had a horrible name at the time...) because if you choose to let him be an outside cat, you need to be aware of cult activities. They try to steal outside cats from unsuspecting people to use in their ceremonies.

I don't plan on being involved in a cult any time soon so I would just rather stay inside if you ask me!

Georgia said...

I began life as an outdoor cat. Believe me, the sun on your back is nice, but it's no picnic. I don't go out now and didn't much in the old place and really, you don't miss it. I'm all for an open window with a screen and the stream of sun on my favorite place on the sofa. It's the best of both worlds.. .besides, if you roll in the rabbit turds, do you know what you'll smell like?

brandywine said...

My darling Kukka, you missed a huge hazard of the outdoors...CHILDREN (like kittens...but not as cute and they don't leave soon enough after birth) They have a tendency to want to touch you and their hands are unuaually sticky in the warm months. Being a dog, I like them. They are very careless with food. Brach, you should live vicaiously through Sheldon....outdoorsy without all the shady business dealings. Talk to him next time and hear some his stories of travel...both good and bad.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Empress, we usually agree with you, but we're with Brach on this one. We too, are kept indoors for our own safety, so Mom says. Lots of hazards out there, she says. So, we've made it as far as the garage and back sidewalk a few times, but really...we know how good we have it indoors. Just look what happened to poor Silas from Caturday...hit by a car.

William said...

Kukka, you know I adore you but in these Point/Counterpoint things I almost always have to side with your brother.

Maybe what you need is a cat run in the back yard. You could have...Buddy make you one. Yeah! I bet he could!

(Brach, I'm pretty sure your sister was probably responsible for that little mishap with your mom. My mom laughed a lot but I assured her it was just not that amusing.)

The Meezers said...

Kukka, while you are always most beautiful, we really haf to agree wif Brach. I was left outside to fend for myself at the tender age of 5 weeks. I was cold and wet and terrified. Trixie and Norton were also left outside, right on the side of a busy road, when they were 4 weeks old. Thankfully, Mommy was there for us. Besides, the metal monsters are so dangerous, think of poor Silas. Yes, inside is the place for us. OH, and Mommy says to remind you of one more horrible thing about outside - FLEAS. - Sammy

Derby said...

Fleas and ticks. Neither of which are much fun, 'cuz they can mean more trips to the VET. I vote with Brach on this.

Smeagol & Strider (Mystery & Gizmo too!) said...

I agree with Brach, too, Kukka. I've been out a few times, but I didn't go far from the house. I like having a screen between me and all that stuff out there. Fleas are BAD!

Kukka, I know what you mean! I just wants to be outside, 'specially since I spent lots of time out there a'fore I came to live here with Smeagol. Mom says I haves to stay inside for my own good, though.

Fiona Bun said...

I'd be happy to box up some of my doots for you. Just send me the address.

Les Trois Chats said...

Kukka, I know what you mean! I'm always trying to get out, but then Mom stomps her foot and says, "NO TURTLE, BAD GIRL!" (She loves on me once I shoot back in, but it doesn't quite make up for the insult...)
~ turtle

Outside? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I agree with Brach! Dangerous Deathtrap!! NO CEILING! What are you thinking?? Okay, yeah, there's lizards that need munchin... but besides that, NUH-UH, NOT GOING.
~ moose

Outside? I could take it or leave it. I get five square meals a day here, plus treats. Plus my laundry basket. Plus The Boy, who I love. Plus my favorite window, where I can see the birdies up close. Plus my fuzzy mice! And treats! Hmm. I vote with Brach.
~ nala

Edsel/The Pooch said...

well, it's a tough one. as we saw with Silas, there are dangers. my Mom lets us go outside, soopervised, but she doesn't keep an eye on us EVERY SECOND. things could happen. i love it outside and wouldn't trade that for anything. but there are risks. it's just are you willing to live with the consequences?

Anonymous said...

I must tell you that Brach is entirely right. Why, I almost met my doom three years ago. My once lionesque profile now resembles Elvis thanks to one thoughtless driver.

Topper commenting through mother's account

Cruxley said...

I am a former feral cat, and you couldn't chase me outside with a stick. Fluffmonster also lived outdoors for a while, although her former humans had her declawed before she escaped. That is one tough cat surviving outside without claws. She has got some mean teeth, let me tell you. And she's not afraid to go outside if the humans are sitting there with her. She wants back in pretty quickly because she's not stupid. My old friend Big Boy used to come and go as he pleased, but we think one of the neighbors did him in. I'll have to write about that one sometime. Zeus mentioned cult
activities, and being black, I suppose I'm at high risk for that sort of thing. I'm not as lithe and full of pee and vinegar as I once was. Fluffmonster is good company, and I have my blogging friends for intellectual stimulation. I'm fat and happy, and I'm not going anywhere.
Count your blessings, Kukka dear.

Midnight said...

I was abandoned and lived outside for over a year. I had worms from the FLEAS! I had to drink out of the gutter and one time I was so sick I almost died! I am a miracle cat of course. Not because my parents let me stay with them but because God had me on a mission to help Buddy even tho he (or his parents) didnt know it yet. There is a short story written about it. I will have my mom get it sometime. Anyway, now that I am in I have NO desire to go outside. I get plenty of sun and wind thru the window. I love you Kukka and hope you never ever go outside without your mommy and without a harness on to keep you safe.

Purry Hugs -Mid

buddyhcat said...

Umm Kukka I am NOT a "blue" collar cat but I could hire one to build a cat run for you baby! Ohhh and I DO go outside but only with my harness on and on my new balcony. I love to roll around on the cool cement in the hot hot sun. Ohhh it makes my hide feel soooo gooood! Come, join me Kukka baby.


DEBRA said...


Wees all have to agree wif efurryone 'bout going outsides. IT is a dangerous place. Our beans protect us from all the nasties that could get us if we went outside. One Christmus my brofurr Ping thought he would play reindeer and he disappeared for 3 days outside in the freezin' cold. He got sick and hadda go to the V-E-T which he did not like and hadda take med-i-send. He did not like eifer. No the outside is nice to look and sniff at but it is better for us poodins to be inside.

*ABBY(too small to go outside!)

beingmccrary said...

I have been to naked BBQ. More than once.

one of us said...

Ahahahahahaha ~Merlin, Shadow, Ko KO