Thursday, May 25, 2006

26 Reasons Britney Spears is No Longer Allowed to Cat-Sit for Us

  1. While she fully understood we needed to be fed regularly, she somehow managed to miss the mark by giving us nothing but Cheetos and Red Bull for an entire week.
  2. Late-night, long-distance calls to Madonna.
  3. She dropped Brach on his head because she was carrying him with a full glass of water.
  4. She left her luggage at our house and Mom says we don't have a need for empty Wal•Mart bags.
  5. She taught us specific strategies that will guarantee us a win in a bar fight against Christina Aguilera.
  6. Mom came home to find Kabbalah water in our bowl and red strings tied to our tails.
  7. She had all of Mom's clothes altered to resemble ultra-low-rise denim skirts and super-tight "wife-beaters."
  8. She taught us dance moves that my mother describes as "highly provocative" and "inappropriate." I don't understand! Britney called them "The Boobal Grab" and "The Hypnotic Pelvic Thrust!"
  9. My mom came home to find me with three-foot long, blonde hair extensions.
  10. She pirated a recording of my "Meow" and is sampling it for her next single.
  11. Britney's night terrors in which she repeatedly screams, "Suck it, Cameron Diaz! I'm going to be the real Mrs. Timberlake!"
  12. Britney's "Birds and Bees" talk with us in which she explained: "Y' careful out there! When you invite an unemployed back-up dancer on tour with you, you'll end up getting knocked up!"
  13. Mom went through 3 cans of "Skank-B-Gone" in an attempt to get the toxic smells of smoke, K-Fed B.O. and Britney's signature perfumes, "Curious" and "Fantasy" out of the air.
  14. K-Fed put cornrows in B-Rock's fur.
  15. Photos of her driving with me on her lap were plastered all over the tabloids.
  16. She bought Brach a trucker hat with "PIMP" on the front.
  17. Mom refuses to sign releases for Brach and I to appear in yet another Britney reality-show exposé.
  18. She left the house filthy because she assumed we had a maid (thongs hanging from the light fixtures, Corn Nuts bags littering the living room, etc.).
  19. Tire track marks were left in the front yard from the double-wide trailer that housed her entourage.
  20. We had to poop/pee in her overflowing ashtray because she never scooped the litterbox.
  21. For some reason, Britney insists on calling us "Kukka Preston" and "Brach Preston."
  22. Mom didn't appreciate finding an "OVER 21" rubber-stamp mark on the top of my paw.
  23. She refused to wear shoes in the house, even after our mother insisted her shoes would be cleaner than her bare feet, which have been photographed walking into a public restroom.
  24. Britney's sleep-dancing (a.k.a. "Kick Me, Baby, One More Time").
  25. Britney's "Life Lessons 101" Training:
    • "Y'all...make sure, when you're choosing a mate, you always look for someone who has at least two kittens with another baby mama. That way, you know what kind of daddy he'll be!"
    • "Y'all...make sure you choose a talentless hack for a husband, so when you finance his creative endeavor and he fails miserably, he'll stay with you forever, because fears no one else will ever love his sorry-ass."
    • "Y'all...and this is really should always have a three-day, starter-marriage in Vegas, so you can get the practice you need for the real thing."
  26. We were forced to listen to Kevin Federline's pre-released single "PopoZao" on a loop--and isn't that really reason enough?


Zeus said...

PopoZao is enough to make my feline ears bleed.

The human pet heard a great spoof of Brittney on the radio down here in Houston: "Oops, I dropped him again!" Classic.

I am glad, though, that your human pet wised up and decided no more Brittney visits. That homo sapien is certifiable.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

My dear, you must be completely traumatized by exposure to such sordid behaviour. Tell your mother she must pay for a week at an expensive rest spa so you can recover!

The Meezers said...

Our mommy won't even let pikshurs of her in our house - she says that she would need skank-be-gone just for the pikshurs. 'asides, if anypurrson calls me Preston, I will put the bite on them, and Mommy said if I put the bite on her, I might need to have all my teef removed. - Miles

Gemini said...

yes, think of all the filthy germs you would get on you if you bit her. and then she'd probably scream about you on the tabloids, and you've had enough bad press as it is, Kukka. I'd kick her out!

Fat Eric said...

Sounds awful. How on earth did Brach (with his OCD and cleanliness issues) cope with all the mess? He must be a nervous wreck.

Attila The Mom said...

Too funny! Loved it!

William said...

OMG. Talk about emotional abuse! I am so glad she doesn't know where I live.

Has Spay Day USA passed already? I'm thinkin' she's a prime candidate and you'd be the one who could pull it off, Kukka.

Les Trois Chats said...

We're with William. And intervention emergency spay is in order here...

DEBRA said...

All I can say is Popo_ZAO?!