Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume IX

Can you believe it's been over a month since I last opened my mailbag? My mom is tired of the mail piling up, so she's said she is going to start storing my treats in the over-stuffed mailbags, so I'm "inspired" to tear open a letter once in awhile.

Bitterness doesn't look good on you, Mom. Are we a bit jealous that I get fan mail and you get bills?

Anyway, it's been a huge month for fan mail. Due to my extreme modesty, I won't post them here, but there were squillions of letters telling me how beautiful I am. Squillions of letters telling me how smart I am. Squillions of letters telling me how talented I am. And, before you ask, smart-ass...none of them were written in my handwriting!

Without further ado, let's get to the letters!

Q: It was recently reported that your BlackBerry was stolen and that private phone numbers of many of your famous boyfriends (past and present) were in there--including Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, William of Mass Destruction, Moose of Les Trois Cats, Buddy The Cat and Zeus of The Zeus Excuse). Has the backlash from your famous friends been hurtful? Did you have any ideas as to who may have stolen it?
A: Oh, I know exactly who stole my BlackBerry. I don't want to publicly embarrass him, so I'll just say this: His name starts with an "S" and ends with an "HELDON." Yes, that door-to-door salescat ripped me off! The reason I know this is true, is that he tried to sell it back to me the other day! UGH! Anyway, about the private numbers--that has been a nightmare. Sheldon claims he "found" the BlackBerry and called everyone in my phone book so he could "determine who the phone belonged to." Right. Brad called the house the other day, wondering why a persistent little boy cat was calling him repeatedly from my cell phone, asking to "hang out." I haven't heard any complaints from my Tomcat Stable, so my guess is Sheldon steered clear of them. He has seen what William can do to a toilet part, so he probably knew he shouldn't impose on my feline boyfriends. Ugh! It would be so much easier for me to keep an eye on my personal affects if my mom would just buy me a purse!

Q: Can I get your autograph, Kukka-Maria?
A: No. I used to give autographs, until I started seeing them popping up on eBay. I was flattered they were selling for exorbitant amounts of money, but still...unless I'm getting a cut, I'm not having it.

Q: Kukka, my friend and I have a bet that we need you to settle. She says, because you are so beautiful, your mom must spend 2 or 3 hours per night doing nothing but petting you. I say it must be closer to 5-6 hours! Which is it?
A: First off, thank you for the compliment! I think you'll find I'm not only beautiful, but I'm gracious to those who think I'm beautiful, too! I think you will both be disappointed to learn that neither of you have won the bet. Despite the fact that I am as beautiful as you say, my mom spends very little time loving on me! I know! It is shocking! I'll wait while you get a tissue because I am sure this news has brought tears to your eyes. Are you back? Ok, get this: My mom pets me for about five seconds when she gets home from work. Then, after many minutes--maybe a hundred or so, she will pet me again for about 30 seconds. Later, when she is watching television, she'll let me sleep on her lap (on a pink pillow, thankyouverymuch), but she will pet me for only a couple of minutes! And, when she tries to pet me with one hand and Brach with the other...I'm done-zo! I want 100% of her attention or none at all. Apparently, she thinks that is acceptable! Also, it seems she pets me only when she feels like it! I think that's incredibly rude. I would never do that, and to prove it, I make myself available for her to pet ALL DAY LONG--whether I feel like it or not. That's how I roll...

Q: You have done so many amazing and exciting things in your life, Kukka. What, if anything, is left for you to accomplish?
A: You are so right! I've dated some of the sexiest men and cats in the world, I was born in an exotic land, and I have been to some of the best parties on both coasts! I guess, if there were one thing I look forward to doing, it's hosting Saturday Night Live. I love that show! They've asked me to host several times, but it's never worked out with my busy schedule of napping, eating treats and answering fan mail. I don't understand why my mom laughs at me when I tell her that, while I love the current cast, the old-school cast of Ferrell, Shannon, Oteri and Kattan are my favorites. "Old school?" she'll laugh. "That isn't the old-school cast! The old-school cast is Carvey, Hartman, and Myers!" Then, my grandma will laugh and tell us we are both on drugs. "The old-school cast is back when Belushi, Akroyd, Martin and Chase were there!" Uh...Gram? I've seen "According to Jim." Jim Belushi is not the golden goose of comedy. You just focus on your old lady stuff, ok?

Q: Who would you like to star as you when they make the story of your life into a movie? What about your Tomcat Stable? Who would play William, Moose, Buddy and Zeus?
A: Um, is this a trick question? I would play myself! There is no other actress as talented as me when it comes to portraying me. But, if I had to choose someone else because I was neither available, nor interested in doing the role, I would have to choose...Natalie Portman. She is very talented and beautiful, but not quite as talented as beautiful as me. I figure she would do a great "impression" of me without causing people to forget that there is nothing like the real thing. I have some thoughts on who I would like to play my boyfriends, but I would, of course, defer to their desires on this one.

Q: Empress, you talk a lot about your past amorous relationship with Brad Pitt, yet we've never seen any proof of this affair. How do we know you're not just exaggerating?
You have a point. But that might be because you've never seen the tattoo of my likeness on his ass. Game. Set. And match.

UPDATE: Zeus has chosen a few actors who may be able to play him in the movie of my life. Maybe...if they try hard enough! I'm not sure just anyone could play that feisty ginger cat as well as the real thing!


Zeus said...

You're like an onion, Empress: Every time I read something about you, another layer comes peeling right off.

DEBRA said...


Have you ever thought about writing a book? I know it would be a best seller.


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Empress, we are in awe of your fabulous life. We agree with Abby...your memoirs would hit #1 overnight!

Gemini said...

Yes a book would be fantastic! I can't believe how much you have done Kukka!

Ayla said...

You should really hire an assistant to help you with all this work. Your mom doesn't seem to appreciate you but an assistant will. I'm still trying to get one myself but the Mom keeps on saying "over my dead body." Bah.

BTW, the new SNL sucks. The really old school with Belushi and gang really was the best according to the Mom.

PrincessMia said...

You are so very interesting! I think you would be awesome on SNL. How can we make this happen?

William said...

If that little Blackberry thief tried to call me despite my talent with toilet parts, he probably got a busy signal. Everybody knows I am usually very busy making crank calls.

Well, I have to entertain myself somehow when Mom's hunting.

beingmccrary said...

I could've sworn I've seen you on Saturday Night Live...mmmm.

Beau Beau & Angie said...

The book really is a must-do. As we have recently seen, there are some really good places in the islands where you can relax and write as only an empress or baronness can and receive the attention you deserve.

Les Trois Chats said...

I am perfectly capable of playing myself, as well. I can't imagine what you are thinking.
~ moose

What about Brad Pitt??
~ moose's mom

K T Cat said...

Natalie Portman? Oh, please! There's only one Kukka. You would have to play yourself!