Friday, May 12, 2006

Empress Kukka vs. Brainy Brach...

What a cah-razy night, people! Brach, clearly offended that I insulted his manhood (or lack thereof), decided to physically assault me last night.

It went down like this:

I was lying on the floor, dozing, when I heard him approach. He crouched and stared at me for what seemed like hours (but was probably only 1 minute). I glanced his way, saw the aggression in his eyes, and casually turned away like I was bored with him. I thought that would encourage him to go away. Apparently, it only enraged him further!

Without warning, he darted toward me. I quickly turned from my side and crouched, prepared for an attack. He froze as he got near me--staring intently into my eyes. His tail was fluffed up, which is a sign that he is ready to rumble.

"So...I have no balls, huh?" he muttered under his breath. "I'll show you balls, you ungrateful skank!"

Mom heard his meowing and got up to get the camera. I'm beginning to think this woman is mentally unstable. A good mom would leap to my rescue, not capture the onslaught on film. I heard her saying something like, "Well, reap what you sow, huh?"

Whatever. I didn't have time to take up that issue with her. I had a crazed lunatic poised to kick my ass!

"You are going down, Kukka. Down to China Town!" Brach hissed at me. Based on his tone of voice and demeanor, it was clear he was doing his best impression of Robert De Niro in "Meet the Parents." I like that movie. It was consistently funny and did nothing but reinforce my secret crush on Ben Stiller. While De Niro was great in that movie, Brach's impression was severly lacking lustre.

Wait! Get back on track! Where was I? Right. Brach hissing in my face.

"You don't have the guts to make a move, sissy! I dare you!" I replied.

What happened next is sort of a blur to me. It involved Brach leaping, me meowing, Brach swatting, me dodging, Brach's tail getting even larger, and me running away.

Yes. When faced with a "Fight or Flight" situation, I fled. I'm not ashamed to admit that!! I was doing him a favor! Not only did I protect him from the wrath that is Kukka-Maria, I also stroked his ego a bit by letting him think he intimated me.

I'm a good big sister who was not scared at all. At all!

For the record, I stand by what I said about Brach. I think he is a baby. I think he is a wimp. And, had we not had the risk of having little Brachs running around, I think he should have kept his testicles because they were the only "manly" thing about him.

DISCLAIMER: Kukka-Maria endorses neutering your Tomcats and is not implying that ALL "altered" boys are wimps, babies or effeminate. Only Brach. She finds most clipped Tomcats sexy--especially those in her Tomcat Stable.


Fat Eric said...

Not scared a bit, eh? Methinks Brach is just standing up for Ginger Pride. You go, Brach - you don't want to end up being Kukka's doormat, do you??

The Meezers said...

You go Brach, stand up for all us, ummm, clipped, boys.

Kukka, we know you could have kicked his butt.

Zeus said...

Brach may be clipped...

But you're the one who got whipped!

Good for you, Brach! If she had talked about my fuzzies that way, I don't know what I would have done.

Kukka-Maria said...

Zeus, does your criticism of me mean we are breaking up?

:( I have a hard time taking criticism from the ones I love...

Gemini said...

Oh my! That wasn't very nice of Brach to go and make that surprise attack, Empress! I hope you teach him a lesson... (punches her paws in front of her)

William said...

Oh, but the tail action is so enviable!

Les Trois Chats said...

I'm so confused. I want to protect my favorite girl and come kick Brach's butt, yet he's one of my closest buds (and he did have a point about her, uh, ballsy insult)... what to do, what to do??

beingmccrary said...

Go Brach-O-Lee!! You are my new idol. That's awesome.