Friday, May 05, 2006


Well, the gig is up. Mom came home yesterday and found her copy of "Gone With the Wind" on the floor, next to the bookshelf. Brach was supposed to put it back after our rehearsal, but forgot. And you wonder why I long to be an only child...

She confronted us about the book and, before I could deny anything, Brach confessed it all. How we've been reading Gone With the Wind for months. How we've started rehearsals this week for our own production. How he feels he is miscast as Rhett Butler because he doesn't want to have to kiss me and feels Margaret Mitchell's death is not reason enough to avoid a re-write. I can't believe he is willing to deny his craft just because he doesn't want to kiss his adopted sister! He says he gets "sicked out" by it. I told him that I get sicked out when he feels compelled to sniff my ass, but I press on.

But I digress...

I know what you're thinking: If cats can perform Gone With the Wind, why keep that a secret?!

I guess you've never met my mother/agent. When she heard Brach tell her how we had a tailor come to the house to measure us for costumes on Monday, she giggled with glee and clapped her hands. "I want to direct! I want to produce! I can't wait to tell everyone I know that we are going to do a summer stock performance in our own back yard of Gone With the Wind!"

Yeah. Great. I can see it now...

Scene: Back yard.
Characters: Mom (director/producer), Kukka-Maria (Scarlett O'Hara), Brach (Rhett Butler)
Mood: Tense

Mom: Okay, babies! Let's get going! We have only 2 days until we open. Kukka, can you please stop rolling around in the grass in your gown? I really need you to focus right now. Let's take it from 'Sir, you are no gentleman.' Places! And...ACTION!

Kukka O'Hara: Sir, you are no gentleman.

Brach Butler: And you, Miss, are no lady.

Kukka: (Breaking character) Ok, see...I don't like that at all. Why is he insulting me?

Mom: Scarlett insults him first. He is just responding to what you have said to him. Kukka, if you keep interrupting the scene, you will be restricted from treats again. I'm the director. I'm the boss. Quit questioning the script. Quit questioning my direction. Oh, and I got your memo, requesting a private dressing room. DENIED! Let's scrap this scene and move on to where Rhett leaves Scarlett.

Brach: That's my favorite! I get to cuss!

Mom: Places! And...ACTION!

Kukka O'Hara: Rhett! Rhett, where are you going?

Brach Butler: I'm going back to Charleston, back where I belong.

Kukka O'Hara: Please, please take me with you!

Brach Butler: No, I'm through with everything here. I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left in life of charm and grace. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Kukka O'Hara: No! I only know that I love you.

Brach Butler: That's your misfortune. (Brach turns to walk away)

Kukka O'Hara: Oh, Rhett! Rhett! Rhett!! (Watching Brach walk to the gate. Running after him, she catches him before he leaves.) Rhett... if you go, where shall I go, what shall I do?

Brach Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Mom: And...CUT! That was good. Let's try it again! The squillionth time is the charm.

And...VOMIT! We were doing so well on our own and now Brach's mouth got us in trouble. We are going to be in rehearsals all summer! No time for snacking. No time for napping. UGH! We've now given the nazi stage mother directorial power.

Oh, well. I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.


The Meezers said...

we would love to see this on the big screen Kukka. You make a beautiful Scarlett.

beingmccrary said...

I hope I can get invite to that production!

Gemini said...

Eww I'm so excited to see it. Perhaps I will ask my momma if I can go see it as purrfday gift...

Kukka-Maria said...

I think you folks are missing the point! I am looking for some "Poor Kukka" and "How mean can your mother get?" comments!

I'm just looking for some sympathy...

The Meezers said...

Poor Kukka. Your Mommy is so mean. How dare she make you werk. You are too good - you don't need re-her-sel. - Miles

DEBRA said...


Stand up and tell your Mother that if she doesn't want to known as Mommie Dearest TWO then she'd better knock off the nazi stage director stuff!

BTW Darlin' Scarlett is the purrfect role for YOU!

I know cuz' I do a mean Scarlett impression too.. in fact my Momma says I could double for Miss Scarlett.

*ABBY( achin' for the old south)

Kukka-Maria said...

Thank you, Meezers! Finally a sympathetic comment!

Abby, could be my understudy so when I throw a diva fit and refuse to leave my dressing room, the show will go on.

Wait! That can't be right! My fits are supposed to make everything come to a stand-still. I may have to re-think this strategy.

brandywine said...

I still question why the "Gone with the wind" play. I thought more of a "cat on a hot tin roof" would be a better summer stock production...or maybe the obvious "cats", your mum could make all the costumes,eh? You could still dress-up...just as other cats. (I think I may have lost my point?)

Timmy said...

Happy Cinco de Meow-Meow Kukka-Maria and Brach!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Have the others roles been cast yet? When will tickets go on sale?

Kukka-Maria said...

The other roles are open for auditions, Crew.

Keep in mind, you'll be slave labor--working for a treat here and there, and you'll have to put up with my mother yelling, "I NEED TO HEAR THOSE MEOWS WITH SOUTHERN ACCENTS!"

If you're interested in auditioning, I would seriously recommend you get a psychiatric evaluation. I can't imagine anyone would choose to work under these conditions.

Crap. She's calling me back to rehearsal. UGH!

PrincessMia said...

Dear KM, Zeus has something for you over at his blog....


PrincessMia said...

We sisfurs have to stick togetha!

William said...

Kukka, Kukka, come here for the summer! Tell your mom you're going to acting camp. And that you'll send her a postcard.

Plus, no offense to Brach, but I make a better Rhett. After all, I'm tiny, dark and handsome!

Wystful1 said...

As Butch Cassidy says to Sundance Kid as the cast and crew leaves for another day---"How many are following us?" SKid-"All of 'em"! BCassidy-"All of 'em? What's the matter with THOSE guys?" (meaning the crew that are partying at the Dew Drop Inn of course--no wait it's supposed to be a good southern BBQ and Scarlett is the main attraction!)

Wystful told me to tell you, this has been a real hoot to read!! More!!!

And now I hafta say "Thanks so much fur the Adoption wishes!!"

Snuggles and hugs =^..^=, Winston

Derby said...

Shouldn't Rhett be played by Rhett the cat? From the No Deep Thoughts blog?

Brach should be playing Ashley, ya know blonde?

Zeus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Zeus said...

I suppose I should watch this classic so I can comment on it.

However, even without knowing the film, I can tell you already William makes a better Rhett than Brach any day of the week. That's just my feline instinct speaking of course.

Your human pet obviously does not realize what kind of stock you hold, Empress. I think it is high time you make it very clear that you are better than she is and that she is blessed that you even choose to grace her presence. Has she even considered to give you your own trailer? What about catering? Only working for treats will not cut it for you, and even I, who have only known you for about a month or so, knows that.

Kukka-Maria said...

Ok. Great suggestions, everyone! I spoke with the direczar and she agreed that William should play Rhett and Brach will be cast as Ashley Wilkes (especially since he rejects Scarlett's love). I would much rather nuzzle with William anyday!

Brach is relieved that he no longer has to kiss me and, when told the news of his new part, went on and on about his beautiful, strawberry blonde coat (thanks for stroking his ego, Derby!). And, Zeus, Mom took your suggestions "under advisement." She came back with a counter-offer that she will not just pay me in treats...she will also include snuggles, pets and ear scritches.

Oh, boy. (Dripping with sarcasm)

Anyone know of an actor's union for animals? I should really be paid in cold, hard cash, right?

Kelly Cat said...

"I'll think about that tomorrow."

Why, Kukka-Maria-Brain, what are we going to do them?

Oh, right... same thing we do every night -- try to take over the world!

Ooops, wrong last line... and wrong species, come to think of it.

I'll keep working on the line, you keep working on getting your way with your Mom!

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Kukka, would you consider a career change? I know being a beloved starlett seems like a dream, but imagine the stalkers and paparazzi. They're bad now, but wait until you hit Broadway!

Kukka, as a cat who has dealt in the past with untrue accusations, I am appealing to you for help. I may be forced to prove my innocence; I'm accused of a crime I didn't commit and of pointing the paw at Victor. I'm looking for sympathetic cats to help me defend myself. Diva Kitty understands - She says Victor should leave. I know you'll understand my situation! Our so-called "friend" Finny is attacking me and disguising it as Victor's defense. I appeal to you, as alpha female and fella tabby, for assistance.

Ayla said...

Bah. This all looks like way too much effort Kukka. All you should have to do is sit around and let everybody adore you.

And as for your mom, poop in her shoe. That should give her a hint.

Gemini said...

Ah! I would ike to audition, but not if work is as bad as you say it is Kukka! It's too bad you don't have a choice in this matter. I'd have loved to be Melanie!

How long will this play go on for you and when do you get a rest?