As promised, here is a recap of my own Legends Ball that occurred shortly after Oprah's Ball in 2005. Some of the guest names have been changed to protect the innocent. The guilty? I'm not protecting the guilty! If they want to sue me for all my catnip and kibble, so be it.
After leaving Oprah's Legends Ball, I knew exactly what I didn't want my own ball to be. No pretense. No drama. No tears. No excessive fawning over the hostess (well, a little fawning never hurt anyone). The trouble is that I am not the most gifted party planner, so to orchestrate such an elaborate event required the vision of my favorite party planning duo: Patch and Fanci Farwig of "Patch & Fanci Party-a-GoGo."
Patch and Fanci are two fox terrier siblings from Chicago. Patch, the brother, has a keen eye for decor, with an affinity for exotic fabrics and rich colors. Fanci, the sister, is considered the leading canine culinary connoisseur who specializes in fine wines and exquisite desserts. Each a talent in his/her own rite, together they are a force with which to be reckoned! Long-time friends of the family, they were thrilled to support me with my Legends Ball!
Mojo (our Beagle family friend and bartending wizard) agreed to pour drinks. Sheldon (the door-to-door salescat), Stewie (my former baby hedgehog stalker) and Brach (my bratty brother) agreed to act as waiters. Everything was coming together so smoothly!
Among the squillions of honorees, were the following guests:
- Tinkerbell (Paris Hilton's dog)
- Bit Bit (Britney Spears' dog)
- Gato Grande (Jennifer Lopez's cat)
- Rustle (Russell Crowe's dog)
- Honey Child (Nicole Richie's dog)
- Martini (Tara Reid's cat)
- Sophie & Solomon (Oprah's dogs--I don't have a beef with them)
- Sugar (Elizabeth Taylor's dog)
I was so thrilled to be hosting the event and thought my guest list was solid. Boy, if I knew then what I know now...
The evening began without a hitch. The red carpet was a huge success (no one pooped or peed on it). The paparazzi were polite and only moderately invasive.
Cocktail hour began. Sheldon, Stewie and Brach began serving hors d'oeuvres and Mojo was flinging drinks like nobody's business.
"Kukka! Kukka!" exclaimed a frazzled Fanci as she trotted toward me, feet blurred with motion. "We have a problem in the kitchen. No one is able to reach the knobs on the stove and the food is still uncooked."
"Raw?" I asked, wide-eyed.
"Raw," she confirmed, tears streaming from her eyes.
"Ok. No problem. Here's my mom’s cell phone number. Call her and she will bring both wet and dry food for all of us with the hour. Can you get yourself under control and handle that?" I asked.
"Absolutely!" she replied with a deep sigh, as she turned and headed toward the kitchen.
Suddenly, I was startled by a voice from behind me. "Kukka! Kukka!"
"Patch! What is it?" I stammered, looking at the second-half of Party-A-GoGo.
"I am in love with you!" he shouted.
"I know. You and everyone else!" I laughed. Quickly getting serious and sensitive, I went on, "But listen...I think you might be gay, Patch."
Fiddling with his gem-laden collar and staring intently at his well-manicured nails, he responded, "You know, I think you might be right." After nuzzling me a moment, he scampered away to fetch the ball I threw.
Feeling a large paw tap me on my shoulder, I turned to find the bartender. "Kukka?" Mojo whispered in my ear. "We have a bit of a situation. Martini Reid, has had too much to drink and is waving her breast implants around and trying to make out with anyone who will stand still enough. I tried cutting her off, but she just swore at me and scratched my face. She keeps drinking from the bowl of the person sitting next to her when they turn their back!"
"Who is sitting next to her at the bar?" I inquired.
"Rustle Crowe," Mojo stated, worry lines plastered across his forehead.
"Shit. Ok. He can be a belligerent drunk who is especially intolerant of people swiping his drinks. If we don't act quickly, we could have a problem here," I worried aloud.
"Holy crap! Rustle's thrown a dog bone at Brach!" exclaimed Mojo, running toward my ginger brother to lead him to safety.
"Rustle! RUSTLE! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!" I shrieked.
"THAT LIL' CAT STOLE MY BLOODY DRINK!" slurred Rustle.
"What is going on here?" inquired Sophie and Solomon Winfrey, microphones and cameras poised and ready for action. "We should have an intervention! It would make a great segment for our mother's show!"
"Sophie! Solomon! SIT!!" I commanded. They did. At least that crazy Oprah had sprung for some decent obedience training!
Feeling someone attaching themselves to me from behind, I screamed, “Horny Sheen! Quit humping me!” I started vigorously shaking my ass from side to side in an attempt to fling him off of me. He shrugged, turned and started humping Sophie Winfrey.
Another interruption! "Kukka? I hate to bother you again," whimpered Fanci. "Tinkerbell Hilton and Honey Child Richie refuse to be seated in the same room. Apparently, they aren't speaking."
"Ok. I will not have them seated in separate rooms! Tell them I will allow them to sit on opposite sides of the room, but that's where I draw the line. And, tell them they had better get over their little squabble quickly, because this freakin' Legends Ball is not about them. It's about me!" I roared.
The room fell silent.
Looking anxiously to the television cameras, I nervously stammered, "Nothing to see here, folks! Everyone, please continue having a gloooooorious time!"
Hearing wolf-whistles, my attention was drawn to the stage where, under the disco ball, I saw Bit Bit Spears gyrating and bumping her groin against the floor. "Will someone please get that tramp off of the stage?" I shouted.
"I'm on it!" responded Patch.
Suddenly, I looked at the clock. The night was almost over and it was just about time for everyone's parents' chauffeurs to come get them! I need to make my speech--and quick! Taking the podium, and aggressively removing Bit Bit Spears from the stage...again, I took the microphone in paw.
"I would like to thank everyone for coming tonight. As you know, this evening was designed to celebrate and glorify my generosity and graciousness as I pay mild tribute to you. I will cry at my telling of your great stories, I will share how each of you have helped make me into the wonder you see before you tonight and I will honor each of you, by allowing you to take part in the amazing and wonderful event I have put together for me tonight. Oh crap! Can someone help her, please?"
Looking to the first table, Martini Reid had finally hit her bottom and had puked up some alcohol-soaked cat treats on the fabric tablecloth, her tube-top askew.
"You have got to be kidding me!" yelled Patch, who ran to cradle the silk tablecloth in his paws. "Have you no respect for fine silks, Martini Reid?"
"Uhhhhhh..." Martini moaned.
Finally resolved that the evening was coming to a close, I announced, "I guess that classy display will close our evening. If any of you have married Sugar Taylor or Gato Grande Lopez throughout the course of the night, for your convenience, quickie divorces will be available at the door on your way out. I suggest you make your way to there promptly, before the long line forms."
The overwhelming noise of clacking claws on the marble tile was deafening as everyone in the room made their way to the divorce counter. Everyone, that is, except Bit Bit Spears, who had once again taken the stage for her gyration-fest.
All in all, it was not a bad evening.
- Brach's injuries from the bone-throwing incident were minor and only required a kiss to make it better.
- Sheldon, the consummate salescat, sold three diamondesque collars, four bags of Iamz, and a Rollecks watch.
- Mojo got to dirty dance with Bit Bit Spears (but, then again, who didn't?).
- Patch and Fanci learned how to salsa dance from Gato Grande Lopez and have since given up "Party-a-GoGo" to become professional dancers. They have won countless competitions, with their specialty being the Latin genre. Patch designs and sews all of their costumes, while Fanci helps them stick to a low-carb/high protein diet to keep them in shape.
- Stewie had a romantic liaison with both Tinkerbell Hilton and Honey Child Richie (although, as I write this, the two ladies are still not speaking to one another).
- And me? I got to talk about myself all night long under the guise of "honoring legends."
Yes...all in all, a good night.