Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Oh, For Crying Out Loud!

What more can I do with the little guy? I've mentored him for almost 6 years now! I've guided his every step, I've given sage advice, and I've shown him the ways of the world. Simply put: I refuse to align myself with someone who decides to demonstrate his imbecility in such a dramatic manner.

In case you are just joining us (or haven't been paying attention), I'm talking about my ridiculous brother, Brach.

Last night, my mom opened the linen closet--which I love...LOVE! I, of course, made a dash in there and sat, looking up at her as she tried to coax me out. "Come on, Kukka," she pled. "I need to close the closet door. You don't want to spend the night in the dark closet, do you?"

Yawn. Is that all you've got, old lady?

Thinking herself to be oh-so-clever, she tried a different angle. Not wanting to reward me for insubordination, but knowing the key to getting good behavior from me is bribing me with snacks, she started an idiotic little routine.

"Do you want beets?"

"Do you want meats?"

"Do you want feets?"

"Do you want streets?"

"Do you want pleats?"

This game went on for about a minute--I think a solid minute of hearing her brain churning to try to come up with new and unique consonant combinations was more than enough for both of us. Plus, I was rearing my stubborn head and not falling for her vile trickery.

Brach, who was lying on the back of the couch, like a good little boy, wasn't so sharp. If I remember correctly, we lost him around "meats." He perked up his ears, jumped down from the couch, and headed toward the kitchen.

Seriously, Brach? She had you at "meats?" Is there no reward for all of the intensive training I've provided you?

Realizing her ingenious plan was not enough to persuade me to leave my dark and safe linen closet, she decided to pull out the big guns.

"Do you want treats?"

I darted from the closet and made a beeline to the kitchen. I'm no fool!

As she sprinkled tasty treatlets on the livingroom carpet for us, I heard her justify the fact she was giving me treats when I had so blatantly misbehaved. "I'm not giving you treats because you left the linen closet. I'm giving you treats because you are a genius and can recognize subtleties in the English language."

Damn straight! Now give me my treats!


The Meezers said...

did someone say MEATS? - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Yeah, I wish!

If Brach were truly smart, he would remember that our mom never gives us real meat.

William said...

At least she talks to you. My mom rattles something. Could be tacks in a baby food jar for all we know, and still we come running. Even Olivia, who is the closet freak in our house.

Not that I'm implying that you, Empress, are a freak.

Mattingly said...

Maybe Brach just knew what you were up to and decided to get to the kitchen first? In any event, Kukka, you really are a genius. Does anyone tell you that enough?

DEBRA said...

Your Mom had Brach at "meats" huh?
Is that anyfink like that Tom Cruise moo-vee where the girl said "you had me hello"?


Gemini said...

I don't know. You are furry brave. My momma would have shut the door and left Cheysuli in there for a moment or two until she was ready to come out. She wouldn't have given treats for that. She's very particular about when she gives treats. You have a nicer Momma. I want yours!

Zeus said...

You have such fine auditory discrimination skills, Kukka.

That's so hawt.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Maybe Brach needs to be fitted for a kitty hearing aide so he won't embarass himself any further. Do they even make them that small?

one of us said...

You never cease to amaze Kukka-Maria ~Merlin, Shadow, Ko KO

Patches & Mittens said...

Our Dad is such a soft touch. I sit on his lap and he doesn't have the heart to toss me off, so The Mom says, Patches, come on and get a treat. She thinks she is coaxing me off The Dad's lap, Ha.....I know I am going to get a treat if I stay there long enough..

Patches Lady

beingmccrary said...

I can relate. I have brother too, and he's needed a lot of mentoring. But does he listen to me? NO! Just keep plugging's a dirty job but sometimes it just has to be done!

Bonnie Underfoot said...

*I* know "treats". And I know which cupboard they are in. Stoopid Victor just stares at my woman, but I stare at the cupboard. Beans are pretty dense, so it helps to remind them where the important things are.