What more can I do with the little guy? I've mentored him for almost 6 years now! I've guided his every step, I've given sage advice, and I've shown him the ways of the world. Simply put: I refuse to align myself with someone who decides to demonstrate his imbecility in such a dramatic manner.
In case you are just joining us (or haven't been paying attention), I'm talking about my ridiculous brother, Brach.
Last night, my mom opened the linen closet--which I love...LOVE! I, of course, made a dash in there and sat, looking up at her as she tried to coax me out. "Come on, Kukka," she pled. "I need to close the closet door. You don't want to spend the night in the dark closet, do you?"
Yawn. Is that all you've got, old lady?
Thinking herself to be oh-so-clever, she tried a different angle. Not wanting to reward me for insubordination, but knowing the key to getting good behavior from me is bribing me with snacks, she started an idiotic little routine.
"Do you want beets?"
"Do you want meats?"
"Do you want feets?"
"Do you want streets?"
"Do you want pleats?"
This game went on for about a minute--I think a solid minute of hearing her brain churning to try to come up with new and unique consonant combinations was more than enough for both of us. Plus, I was rearing my stubborn head and not falling for her vile trickery.
Brach, who was lying on the back of the couch, like a good little boy, wasn't so sharp. If I remember correctly, we lost him around "meats." He perked up his ears, jumped down from the couch, and headed toward the kitchen.
Seriously, Brach? She had you at "meats?" Is there no reward for all of the intensive training I've provided you?
Realizing her ingenious plan was not enough to persuade me to leave my dark and safe linen closet, she decided to pull out the big guns.
"Do you want treats?"
I darted from the closet and made a beeline to the kitchen. I'm no fool!
As she sprinkled tasty treatlets on the livingroom carpet for us, I heard her justify the fact she was giving me treats when I had so blatantly misbehaved. "I'm not giving you treats because you left the linen closet. I'm giving you treats because you are a genius and can recognize subtleties in the English language."
Damn straight! Now give me my treats!