Thursday, May 11, 2006

Sibling Affection

by Kukka-Maria

I never wanted a brother. Mom decided I was did she put it..."needy," so getting another cat would be a good solution.


Listen, Brach. I have tolerated you for over 5 years and have never made a point to tell you how annoying you are, but I've got to go there now.

You annoy me in the following ways:

  • When Mom puts her hand out and wiggles her fingers, it is my signal she wants to give me some scritches and pats. Not your signal. When she does this and I am moseying over to her, it is unacceptable that you bum-rush me and get under her hand before me. You bank on the fact that I'll back off and let you have your love-time, but one of these days, brother, I'm taking you down.
  • You drool! When you are on Mom's lap and she's scratching your neck, you will get 1-3 spittle drops around your mouth that will, after a good deal of time, release and soak the pillow. You may think the soaked pillow is my issue, but it's not. It's the fact that Mom thinks this is so, incredibly precious, that truly chaps my ass. When you set the cuteness bar that high, it puts me in a tough position. Could I drool? Yes. Will I drool? Come on! I'm an Empress. Don't you think that's a bit beneath me?
  • You are not an attention hog, which makes me look like one in contrast. When Mom comes home from work, my standard procedure indicates I meet her at the door and immediately begin whining for treats. While I'm working to procure snacks for us--yes, both of us, you will just stretch out on the carpet and give Mom the irresitible "Doe-Eyes." So, while I pace back and forth in the threshold to the kitchen, whining for treats, Mom makes a beeline over to you and says, "How is the sweetest little boy in the world? Brachy is my beautiful, beautiful, precious baby!" Gag. Your behavior causes me to have to amp up my efforts. I begin whining louder and rubbing against her leg--even as she walks to the kitchen, usually causing her to stumble and snap at me, "Kukka! Seriously! I am getting treats. Can you please give me some breathing room?" How do I go from adorably devoted feline who meets her servant at the door to crazy, demanding psycho-cat who risks her servant's life in pursuit of snacks? I blame you.
  • You stink up the litterbox. 'Nough said.
  • You monopolize the prime sleeping spots. I know what you're going to say: "But, Kukka, there are several prime sleeping spots! I am physically incapable of sleeping in all spots at one time!" True. But, you always seem to anticipate which sleeping spot I want...and you take up residence. Boo, Brach...Boo! What annoys me more is that, when I make it clear to you the spot is mine, you look at Mom with those pathetic eyes and she jumps to your defense. Brach is the victim. Whatever, Mom...

You know, Brach, there are more reasons to loathe you, but I don't want to be rude, so I'll stop here. I'll admit, you do some good things, too, but it's important you know you are 92% evil.

by Brach

Oh, my dear I love you so.

When I was newly born--fresh from my mother's hoo-ha, I knew my desire was to one day have an older sister who was as beautiful as she was intelligent. Only hours after my birth, I remember telling my biological mother, "Can you please give me up for adoption so I can go live with a woman who has a domineering, yet extremely lovable, royal feline?"

"Yes," she replied.

Kukka, I don't think I can express in words how much you mean to me. But I'll try.

Kukka-Maria, lovely sister, mentor, do I love the? Let me count the ways:
  1. You are persistant. I don't know that I would ever get treats if you didn't ask every minute of every day. Even though my desire for treats is just as strong as yours, I find it difficult to verbalize my request. Thanks for being my voice.
  2. You are fun. There is nothing I like more than hiding around the corner of the hallway and unleashing a silly surprise on you in the form of leaping on your back and riding you through the living room until you violently buck me off. Pure bliss!
  3. You are sensitive. You understand that I don't like visitors and prefer to hide under the bed or beneath the covers until they leave. You only tease me mildly--and occasionally--about being a scaredy cat. Having said that, it does hurt me deeply when you say things like, "Brach, get some balls, son! The guests won't hurt you!!" You know I had an operation that took my testicles. I would never say anything that mean to you, like, "Kukka, get a uterus and some ovaries!" That would be so cruel. But, I forgive you, sister.
  4. You are generous. I love how you allow me to blog, on occasion, and only ask that I submit my posts three days in advance, for your editorial approval. You are sweet to have only rewritten 75% of my posts. So kind.
  5. You are loyal. Even though you will give me crap 23 out of the 24 hours in a day, when someone else insults me, you are quick to come to my defense. Your personal policy: "I can be as mean to my brother as I want, but if you have anything bad to say to him, you have to go through me!" Having an older sister and brutish protector is so reassuring!

I could go on and on, my darling sibling, but I would only be telling you things you already know. I love you, Kukka-Maria, and am glad you are my big sister.


PrincessMia said...

awwww, what Brach said is so sweet. I wish I had a younger brofur to worship me too.


DEBRA said...


You have the tip-o-cal love hate re-lan-shun-ship wif your brofurr.

Sounds like he lubs you a whole BUNCH doh.


The Meezers said...

Kukka, I totally agree wif you about little brofurs. They are a pain in the butt. - Sammy

Brach, you obviously love and adore your big sisfur. I love my big sister too - Trixie is the bestest, even though we call her Gramma. I love my big brofur too, and I especially love to ride him down the hall like he's a horse and I'm in the rodeo. That is the bestest fun efurr! - Miles

Gemini said...

Georgia says she understands completely Kukka. Brach,that is so sweet! I understand that completely because even though Georgia thinks of me much like Kukka thinks of you, well, I LOVES my Georgia cat

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Empress...consider yourself lucky you only have 1 brother. I have to put up with 2 of them! But obviously Brach adores & admires you. Continue being a good role model.


Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

I try to ride my brother Scooby down the hallway and he snarls & hisses the whole way! He's not a very good brother either. I has never had a sister, because I was a litter of one, but I think they might be a little on the bossy side too, just like big brothers. -Scout

Bonnie Underfoot said...

I'm with Kukka. What did we do to deserve annoying little brofurs???

Fat Eddy said...

Hey empress lady, why don't you tell your brother how you really feel. Hoo boy, I think I'm tough but you are talk like Anna Lucia on the TV show Lost. Me I think I'm the cat version of Sawyer, also on Lost. I'm cute , kinda irresponsibile and not very mature. If I still had my testicles, I'd be even more like him. Come back and visit again sometime.

Zeus said...


Making comments about a man's hoo-has is not really nice. No man likes to hear comments about the hoo-has, especially when he has no hoo-has. I mean, you just don't do that!

I don't know, Kukka. That's kind of low.

one of us said...

See Kukka isn't Brach the sweetest little thing? ~Poi Mom Jane

Gag... ~Shadow

one of us said...

See Kukka isn't Brach the sweetest little thing? ~Poi Mom Jane

Gag... ~Shadow

=^..^= said...

Kuka, I smell sarcasm from that unwanted intruder.


Anonymous said...

We think Brach is DREAMY! What a gentle-cat.

Love Puss & Midnight

William said...

Brach, I guess you threw her off guard, judging by what happened!