Friday, June 23, 2006

19 Reasons Katie Couric is No Longer Allowed to Cat-Sit for Us

  1. Such a high dose of her "perkiness" in the morning had me bound up for the entire week she was with us.
  2. She had a standing coffee date each morning with one or both of her best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker. Actually, they hung out for most of the day--not just breakfast!
  3. She wore stage make-up 24 hours a day--leaving foundation schmutz on all of the furniture and pillow cases.
  4. UGH! That fake and whiny interview voice and over-enthusiastic smile!
  5. She would constantly interrupt my incredible stories, look into an imaginary camera, and throw to commercial.
  6. Her personal assistant actually did the cat-sitting, while Katie made long-distance phone calls and practiced signing autographs on grocery store receipts.
  7. She scheduled and conducted interviews with prominent entertainment and political super-powers in our livingroom--and you know how Hilary Clinton has that reputation for destroying hotel rooms and interview sets...
  8. She refused to let me try on her collection of red carpet dresses (I think she knew they would look better on me).
  9. Brach caught her sifting through our dirty litter, claiming she was focusing on "hard-core investigative reporting," now that she is going to be a serious journalist.
  10. She constantly gave me hairstyle advice. She gave me hair advice? Puh-leeeeeease!
  11. She spent hours and hours practicing potential sign-off phrases for her new gig at CBS and seemed offended when I suggested, "That's the news for tonight. I'm Katie Couric and I'm a whore." So sensitive!
  12. My sphincter is still chapped from all of the colonoscopy check-ups she insisted on performing.
  13. She would hide behind the furniture and not come out until we yelled, "Where in the world is Katie Couric?"
  14. The late-night drunk-dialing to Al Roker. Not pretty.
  15. When she would fill our food dish or give us treats, she insisted a camera follow her for what she called a "cooking segment."
  16. She arrogantly believed the paparazzi camped outside our home were for her and not for me. Foolish and naive Katie...
  17. She demands a cat-sitting salary of $15,000,000, vs. the $10 the neighbor kid charges.
  18. When Matt Lauer popped in for a visit, they got in an ugly slap-fight, which ended with bloodied faces and a bucket-full of tears.
  19. Every time Katie leaves the room, she expects weeks and weeks of tearful goodbye tributes to send her off. Barf.


Ayla said...

Katie Couric, eh? If I only still had claws...

William said...

Number 20 should be Her frighteningly overenthusiastic gum line. Personally, I find her little teeth kind of unattractive and scary.

beingmccrary said...

At least Katie is not married to Kevin Federline. That's a plus. Where was you mother during all this crap??
(listening to drunken messages from a friend named Linus Blue Balls?)

Kukka-Maria said...

Yeah, beingmccrary! Linus Blue Balls is the Queen of drunken dialing! :)

Cheysuli said...

She is not someone I'm contacting about my campaign. Need I say more?

DEBRA said...

Hey Kukka,

Dan Rather is out of job, maybe your Mom ought to check him out.


The Meezers said...

Oh Kukka, how horrible! Next time you needs a sitter, call us, our Mommy is an excellent sitter! - Miles

Zeus said...

I was impressed by number 17 personally since the title of this was "19 Reasons Katie Couric Is No Longer Allowed to Cat-Sit for Us", which meant your human pet must have been seriously RICH to have hired Katie in the first place to sit for you for her to no longer be allowed to sit for you. Where did she get this money?! My human pet wants to know! Is it you who is bringing in the green? (I'm assuming it has to be you, Kukka, but I could be wrong...)

If so, my human pet says your human pet has to call her and tell her how to get me involved in those kind of projects.

Kukka-Maria said...

You're right, Zeus. My mom is RICH! How she gets her money is vile, though.

My mom pimps me out for personal appearances. Before you get drunk on the glamour of it all, know this: It usually involves me, a string bikini, and often a bunch of kids at a birthday party. I get covered with sticky fingers, The kids' screaming gives me a headache and I have to get a Brazilian wax for the bikini (which, if you know what a Brazilian is, you'll understand I end up completely bald).

Yes, she pimps me out for cash, but never spends a single cent on me. UGH!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

We'll have to take your word for it about this Couric woman. Our Mom watches ABC and, personally, I can't stand Diane Sawyer with her phony "Oh, we can only imagine..." line after interviewing a disaster victim. Ugh..gag me!

When will these networks wise up and put a feline in as the nightly news anchor. Kukka, you would be wonderful and we would all watch every night!


Hot(M)BC said...

You'd look lots better in the dresses. *kitty nods* If you did the news we'd akshully watch it!
~~ Sanjee and the Hot(M)BC Gang

Cheysuli said...

I think it's horrible what your mother does for money, Kukka-Maria. I shall be sure to have that sort of slavery outlawed!