The collective chanting outside my window of "WE WANT ANOTHER DEAR KUKKA" has become deafening, so I have no other choice than to appease you, dear readers.
This edition of "Dear Kukka..." is the Xth volume.
Upon realizing this, I weeded through the mail bag and retrieved every tasteless, pornographic, and horrifyingly immoral letter I could find. You would be surprised at the magnitude of mail that qualified!
Or maybe you wouldn't be surprised...
My mother nixed the idea of me featuring X-rated material, reminding me that I was a "lady" and that "ladies exude class." Pbbbtttth. Or, would that be EFFING Pbbbtttth! (She even made me edit that!)
No matter. I can pretend I am a "lady" by responding to the following "classy" letters I received from my fans. Game on!
Q: Kukka, if you could have any super-power in the entire universe, what would you choose and why?
A: Actually, as "The Tamponator," I already have some incredible powers! I can climb awesome heights (over the pile of toilet paper under the bathroom sink), I can carry dangerous, cylindrical objects in my mouth without dropping them (tampons wrapped in super-slippery wrapping), I can run extremely fast (when Mom tries to get the tampon from me) and, when push comes to shove, I wield a highly absorbent sword past which nothing can leak (I've seen the commercials with the blue liquid). Aside from those very important powers, I guess I would like to obtain treats at will. Over the 6.75 years I've lived with my mom, I've gotten very close (read: she's wrapped around my little claw), but I have yet to master that power.
Q: Kukka, I read recently that you contributed a question to Moose's sister in her "Dear Turtle" column. What is up with that? If you are all-knowing (as you have claimed), why couldn't you just answer your own question?
A: What makes you think I didn't answer my own question? (I didn't) Perhaps I sent the answer, along with the question, so Turtle could just print it as her own! (Yeah, I so didn't) Sometimes it's about helping another blogger feed their self-esteem and help them realize their potential! (It might be, but I wouldn't know anything about that) Maybe, as I have, you should take a lesson from the wondrous Mark Twain, who said, "Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." Or...maybe you should just SHUT IT!
Q: You attended the season finale of American Idol, Kukka, but I didn't see you on camera! I read you were seated next to the weeping David Hasselhoff. What happened to your camera time? Do Cowell, Jackson, Abdul and/or Seacrest have something against felines? Bastards...
A: Listen...I will not have name calling. You need to understand that those horses' asses meant no harm when they shouted insults to me during commercial breaks, whipped red Coca-Cola glasses at me while the cameras were not on them, and refused to let me be a back-up dancer, even when Prince demanded it. Each of them has latent issues surrounding their success (or lack thereof) in their original fields. When I told each the truth about their painful past and their limited shelf-life, they just couldn't handle it.
Paula, who recently had me listen to a new album she was recording, was very upset when I made retching noises, pooped on the rug and told her, "Straight up, now tell me do you really want to ruin your already-pathetic career?"
Randy, a former session musician and composer, has performed with more famous people than you can count. But, did you know who the hell he was when Idol first started? Exactly. When he told me he was considering posing as a member of the Jackson Family (the Michael variety), I told him that even as crazy as that family is, I was confident they would reject him. He cried.
Ryan and I have come toe to paw on several occasions when I've refused to give him advice on his hair and outfits. As a radio personality, Ryan has always claimed he had a face for TV and thought he would be robbing the world of "Seacrest Pleasure" (his phrase, not mine) if he were to stay on radio. Knowing he is always fishing for compliments with me, I always respond to his whining with a thunderous fart, which makes him cry and me laugh.
Simon and I...well, Simon and I have always had an overwhelming attraction to one another. We typically can not stay in the same room with one another without succumbing to our heated passions. He, petting my stomach. Me, licking his face. Bliss.
I hope that answers your question about my lack of camera time. While I think you posed a great question, I think the more pressing inquiry is, "Why in the hell was David Hasselhoff crying at the end of American Idol and what is up with his hair helmet?"
Q: Kukka, I notice you have a lot of gray hair. Does this mean you are old? Have you considered touching up those grays with hair dye?
A: What the...?! You can not seriously be calling me OLD! I'll give you a five second head start before I chase you down and beat you silly.
That is all the questions I have time for. I have some whoop-ass to serve on a silver platter!!