Thursday, June 29, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XI

We have a very special "Dear Kukka..." today! While I get squillions of letters from all over Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, North and South Americas (not so much Antarctica...not sure why), this one stood out for me. Maybe because it focuses on my beauty and amazing modeling career. I mean, everybody knows I don't like to toot my own I appreciate it when someone else does it for me!

Enjoy this letter as much as I did!

Dear Kukka-Maria

I felt compelled to write to you to ask: do you have a new modeling contract? I ask because my human has just brought home a new supply of cat litter for me, which is the own-brand of a certain Very Well Known British Supermarket Chain, S***burys. I couldn't help but notice that the feline now posing glamorously on thousands of cat litter bags across Britain bears a striking resemblance to your royal self. OK, so the eye colour is slightly different but I know coloured contacts are often used for these modeling jobs, right?

If the model is indeed yourself, Empress, may I applaud you on the success of your latest celebrity enterprise. These bags are flying off British supermarket shelves at an amazing rate.

Alternatively, did you turn down the offer from S***burys, and are they now using a cheap Kukka-Lookalike? I feel the cat blogosphere has the right to know the truth.

Your devoted subject,

Fat Eric,
in London.

Dear Big-Boned Eric,

I am sad to say that that cat is indeed me. What a crazy ordeal this whole situation has been for me!

When I was originally approached to pose for this company, they asked to use my image on cans of gourmet cat food. I was delighted that my British fans were asking to see more of me and, after tasting the foie gras-flavored feline delicacy, I signed on to sit for a photo-shoot and sign squillions of autographs.

While I read the fine print in the contract this time, I guess, like Canadian English, I am not fluent in British English, either. Apparently, the contract said that they own all photos and are able to use them on any product they wish.

So, that's how I ended up on bags of kitty toilet material. KITTY TOILET MATERIAL!! Despite the fact that I am thrilled the bags of [CHOKE] Kitty Litter are flying off of the shelves, this is still a painful thing for me to talk about and, due to the pending lawsuit, I have probably said too much about it already.

I guess I don't understand what you mean by coloured contacts. ColoUred? This is just another incident where I am confused by the British language. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to change your question. To colored contacts. I hope I'm not too far off! While I hesitate to disclose sacred modeling secrets, I will admit that in that photo-shoot, I wore colored contact lenses. The photographer asked that I wear them, as my brilliantly green eyes were too captivating and he feared consumers would be hypnotized by my perfect winkers, thereby causing complete mayhem across Great Britain.

I have to ask: "Winker" is not the same as "Wanker," is it? I don't know...I don't speak British.

Next time, Eric, I think I will send in a Kukka-Lookalike, as you suggested. A stunt double will not portray my stunning beauty, of course, but these are the things we super-models must do to protect our reputations.

Thanks for writing!

Always looking for second helpings,
The Empress

P.S. For those who think super-modeling is easy, I'll have you know I am still chafed from that synthetic grass upon which they asked me to lounge sexily. And I was shocked to know they had not sanitized that ball prior to me handling it. It is my understanding others had touched it--without gloves--prior to placing it in my paws. Dis-gust-ing! Clearly they did not take time to read my rider! I had to soak my paws in a vat of bleachy water for hours after the shoot to ensure my paws would remain pristinely white and filth-free. No, modeling is not easy at all!


The Meezers said...

oh my poor Kukka, how awful that you had to endure that! - Miles

PrincessMia said...

mom says that wanker is most definitely not like winker.

beingmccrary said...

Oh bloody hell. Well, at least every cat in the United Kingdom will be thinking of you as they use the loo!

Good day now.

DEBRA said...

*chortle* That is funny beingmrcrary! I don't know if Kukka wants to be thought of efurrytime someone uses the loo though!


Fat Eric said...

Thank you so much for explaining the whole thing, Kukka. I am shocked at the perfidy of S***burys, and will picket my local supermarket if required. I think they may also be using your photo on other products, I will have to check. Strange how you think we Brits spell words see, we know that actually it's the Mericans who spell them wrong!

Ayla said...

Deal with them in the good ol' American way: sue 'em.

Gemini said...

Kukka Maria I am horrified that they did that too you. Fortunately they wanted you to wear those colored contacts so that not everyone will know it's really you...

William said...

Ah, such is fame!

Musette said...

Tough being gorgeous, isn't it?