June 6, 2006 (Associated Press) Celebrated blogger and all-around adored cat, Empress Kukka-Maria, is said to be releasing a CD of her greatest hits sometime this summer.
While the Empress was reluctant to get back into the recording studio, it is reported she was growing tired of the pressure from fans to deliver. In a phone interview, her mother/agent explained, "I had to coax her into the studio with promises of treats, catnip and a tomcat gigolo in order to get her to lay down tracks. She can be a stubborn little diva at times. Kukka has always valued the affection of her fans, though, and was committed to honoring them by releasing many of their favorite hits--as well as some previously unreleased material."
The Empress counts many celebrities among her greatest fans. In an interview last month, Sir Elton John named Kukka as someone he is "dying to record with." Madonna, in a recent Hello! Magazine article, stated, "I am ready to pick up and fly to West Michigan in a moment's notice--if only Kukka would call and invite me..."
Despite the fact Kukka has done extensive touring to promote prior platinum CDs and holds the record for most units sold--by man and beast, she has never actually recorded a song. Never. Not one song.
Her mother/agent explained this conundrum, "I know it seems weird that she would get so much acclaim for never having recorded a single song, but in order to understand this amazing phenomenon, you really need to understand her fans."
At a recent Kukka concert, part of her "Kukka-Maria, Fresh & Feisty" tour, some enthusiastic "Kukkamaniacs" (members of her official fan club) shared their perspective on the revered feline. "Kukka rocks!" exclaimed one sobbing fan. Another yelled, "Oh. My. Gawd! I can not believe I'm going to see The Empress! That cat's talent touches something deep inside of me. I can't even explain it! WHOOOOO!"
The passion of her fan-base is overwhelming. During the interview with the president of her fan club, Kukka's limo approached, causing mayhem. The screams and chanting were riotous! Hundreds stomped their feet and pumped their fists in the air, a dozen or more fans fainted, while many, so overcome with emotion, wept so intensely, they vomited down the front of their clothing.
In a rare interview with The Empress, herself, she disclosed what can only be described as the secret to her success. "I am genuine. What you see is what you get. I'm down to earth and in touch with my fans. They sense that. Oh, and I'm super-sexy."
"Super-sexy." That must be the key to selling out stadiums and releasing blank CDs for huge profits. Never in the history of popular music has there been a star like Empress Kukka-Maria; one who compels fans to pay top dollar to see her do nothing but lie on a stage and sleep!
While one may question her methods, no one can question her success. Kukka's popularity is astounding and growing by the minute! "Super-sexy" indeed!