Last night, after basking in the afterglow of all the positive comments about our wrestling skills, Mom decided to rain on our parade by setting up some ground rules. As is typical when she goes on a rant, I secretly recorded the entire conversation so Brach and I could laugh and laugh later...when she went to bed.
I'll transcribe it for you now:
Scene: Living Room
Atmosphere: Television on (at a deafening volume, thankyouverymuch) with old "Sex and the City" episodes on HBO On Demand (which she insists she loves so much and would marry...if it would only have her).
Rising from my carpet barging stint, I crossed over to the sliding glass door. Brach, from his slumber on the back of the couch, joined me. Blatantly disrespecting my personal space, Brach stood in front of me and bird-blocked.
ME: (Clearing my throat) Uh...hello?! What do you think you're doing?
HE: (Turning his head toward me slowly--for dramatic effect) I'm lookin' out the freakin' window! That's what I'm doing!
ME: (Squinting my eyes into a menacing glare) Well, son, if I could make a suggestion--purely for your own safety...STEP OFF!
MOM: (Not understanding Meow and only hearing growls and low hisses, she pauses her show and turns to us, glaring) Do you not see that I am watching a very important show (that I've already watched a squillion times and could probably recite every line, in unison, with the characters)?
(Editor's note: The small print is the embellishment of Kukka-Maria and does not represent reality in any way, shape or form. There is no question we agree with Kukka that there can be a lot said in a pause. We part company, however, when she insists she could prove her conversational perceptions in a court of law. We firmly believe The Empress could not differentiate between a "court of law" and a bathtub, therefore rendering her argument null and void.)
ME: (Looking at Brach, back to Mom, then back at Brach again) Did she just give me the ol' stink eye?
HE: (Nodding furiously) Oh, I think she totally did! (Turning to Mom) You totally did!!
ME: (Looking at Mom) Oh no you di'int! Are you ready to throw down?!
MOM: (Pausing the TV one more time) Seriously, you guys! Quit bickering! You have food. You have fresh water. I scooped tonight. Oh, I get it! No, I am not giving you T...R...E...A...T...S! (Spelling as if she believes we can not read. For crying out loud!)
ME: (Standing and poising to pounce) It's on, now! You should prepare to get your ass handed to you in a litterbox, lady!
Brach, in a panicked state, fearing I might hurt his mommy and, more importantly, jeopardize his prospects for treats in the future, trips me.
ME: (Turning to my trembling brother) Oh...you'd rather I take you down first? That's fiiiiiiine. I've got a whole keg of whoop-ass to serve up. It doesn't matter to me which of you goes first!
HE: (Scampering away, yet trying to sound oh-so brave) You'll have to catch me first!
ME: (After catching him in 2.5 seconds, pinning him to the ground, and threatening to spit on him by letting a stream of saliva drip just above his face, then slurping it back up at the last minute) I'm pretty sure you should know not to mess with me by now. Why must I have to repeatedly dole out lessons to you?
MOM: (Pausing Carrie Bradshaw for the third time and getting (more) premature wrinkles due to her severe scowling) I will not tolerate your fighting and wrestling anymore! I want to watch my show, not referee your battles! WOULD YOU TWO PLEASE STOP IT RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!
ME: (Laughing out loud with Brach) Uh, Mom? I think it's HI-LA-RIOUS that you just asked us a question, but said it as an exclamation! Shouldn't it have been, "Would you two please stop it right this minute?" If you wanted to phrase it as a command, you should have taken the "would" out. And, quite frankly, the "please" should have gone out the window, too, in order to give it the intimidating tone I believe you desired. Now, you know I'm not one to criticize, but...
MOM: (Shaking her head in despair and returning to her lame show) Kukka-Maria! Stop whining! I am not giving you treats right now. You've had plenty today!
I wish that woman would get a good "Learn Meow" curriculum on CD-ROM. It would just make correcting her grammar so much easier.