Thursday, June 01, 2006

Open Letter to my Agent, Vol 5

Dear Self-Serving and Judgmental Woman,

Yes, I'm talking to you! I need to air some grievances and there is no better time than the present.

What's with changing the rules about me licking the satin lampshade in the bedroom? When you first got it, you thought it was cute that I was loving on it, but then, when you saw the layers of schmutz on the edges, you got pissed. What did you think was going to happen when you let a cat rub her lips, face and tongue over satin? As intelligent as you claim to be, you sure didn't show it on this one!

I appreciate your frustration and I appreciate the determination you show as you attempt to guard the lampshade throughout the night. In fact, I think it's sort of cute how, when you hear the scratching of my tongue against the shade at 3:12 am, you snap, "KUKKA! STOP IT!" With that adorable, sleepy face, how can you not understand that I am completely unable to resist jumping on top of you and licking your cheeks as you try to get back to your slumber?

Note to you: My determination to lick the lampshade is much stronger than your determination to stop me. And, you should know that when you go to work every day, I have full reign of the house and I'm licking it anyway! I am allowed to do as I please...you're not the boss of me!

That brings me to my next point: Don't grow cat grass in a pot in the house unless you intend for us to graze on it at will. We didn't even know that pot was in the house until you introduced it to us last night! Then, when we saw you place it atop the stereo speaker, you had to know we would be obsessed with getting at it.

I guess you thought we would eat the grass and leave the dirt, huh? Ah...so naive! Of course we would eat some, but it stands to reason we would rip most of it out of the dirt and fling it on the carpet. I mean, come on...have we just met? You can't predict my next move yet? Good night! It's tiring that I have to lead you every step of the way.

So, when you awoke this morning to find that during the night I had leapt from the couch, onto the CD/DVD shelf, and onto the speaker, it shouldn't have surprised you in the least. Yes, I littered grass and dirt all over the speaker and all over the floor, but at least I didn't push the pot off of the speaker and dump the entire thing on the floor! Why must you be such a "glass half empty" kind of girl?

Let's see...anything else? OH YES! You've conditioned me to expect treats when you come home from wherever it is you go (work, social events, etc). Understand something, please: I have no concept of time. If you go to work for 8-10 hours, I expect treats when you get home. If you go to the store for 1/2 hour, I expect treats. If you take out the garbage for 3 minutes, you had better expect me to whine for treats when you come back through that door.

I am a product of your conditioning and, I guess, this is just a harsh lesson you must learn. I commend you on your efforts to reprogram me, but as your boss, I need you to realize the sooner you get with the program, the happier we will all be.

That's how I roll, lady, and I make no apologies.

Respectfully,
The Empress

10 comments:

PrincessMia said...

I say lick that shade at will. It's your shade. And hello, the grass? That grass is for you. Why would putting it on a speaker prevent you from getting at your grass? Beans have some very strange habits. I like the way you stand up for your rights. You are an inspiration to us all.

Zeus said...

This is so sad that you even have to have this kind of conversation with your human pet at this point in her life. How long have you known one another? Four or five years?

It sounds like your human pet is expecting some Dr. Phil intervention here. At least that's what all the homo sapiens with screwy situations are doing nowadays at 3:00 p.m. here in Houston on the tv.

Gemini said...

It sounds like your Momma is furry inconsistent. I think she has gotten all that she deserves and I'm sorry she is giving you a headache, Kukka.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

We don't have a silk lampshade, but we do have some catgrass in a pot, in a saucer on the kitchen table. Every night when Mom comes home from work, the pot is knocked over. What does she expect? It's not my fault if it falls over while I'm munching on my grass!! Dirt happens, Mom. Get over it!

Love,
Tipper

The Meezers said...

Well said Kukka, but, really, it prolly won't werk - you know humans are stoopid, and you'll has to repeat it at least a squillion times.

moseskitty said...

You know, we don't have carpet here in the barn, but we get into dirt fights all the time. It's great to be able to fling mud wherever you wish with no fear of reprecussions

Diva Kitty said...

Humans... they never get it right do they. Sigh.

William said...

I'll be Dr. Phil to your mom:

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?

Feline Oligarchy said...

Humans. You think you have them trained and then things like this happen. Amazing isn't it. It's a good thing we love them or why would we even bother? -- Alberta, Sky, Blackie and Charlie

DEBRA said...

Kukka

Beans...you can't live wif em and you can't live wifout em!

*AGHHHHH

**ABBY