Dear Self-Serving and Judgmental Woman,
Yes, I'm talking to you! I need to air some grievances and there is no better time than the present.
What's with changing the rules about me licking the satin lampshade in the bedroom? When you first got it, you thought it was cute that I was loving on it, but then, when you saw the layers of schmutz on the edges, you got pissed. What did you think was going to happen when you let a cat rub her lips, face and tongue over satin? As intelligent as you claim to be, you sure didn't show it on this one!
I appreciate your frustration and I appreciate the determination you show as you attempt to guard the lampshade throughout the night. In fact, I think it's sort of cute how, when you hear the scratching of my tongue against the shade at 3:12 am, you snap, "KUKKA! STOP IT!" With that adorable, sleepy face, how can you not understand that I am completely unable to resist jumping on top of you and licking your cheeks as you try to get back to your slumber?
Note to you: My determination to lick the lampshade is much stronger than your determination to stop me. And, you should know that when you go to work every day, I have full reign of the house and I'm licking it anyway! I am allowed to do as I please...you're not the boss of me!
That brings me to my next point: Don't grow cat grass in a pot in the house unless you intend for us to graze on it at will. We didn't even know that pot was in the house until you introduced it to us last night! Then, when we saw you place it atop the stereo speaker, you had to know we would be obsessed with getting at it.
I guess you thought we would eat the grass and leave the dirt, huh? Ah...so naive! Of course we would eat some, but it stands to reason we would rip most of it out of the dirt and fling it on the carpet. I mean, come on...have we just met? You can't predict my next move yet? Good night! It's tiring that I have to lead you every step of the way.
So, when you awoke this morning to find that during the night I had leapt from the couch, onto the CD/DVD shelf, and onto the speaker, it shouldn't have surprised you in the least. Yes, I littered grass and dirt all over the speaker and all over the floor, but at least I didn't push the pot off of the speaker and dump the entire thing on the floor! Why must you be such a "glass half empty" kind of girl?
Let's see...anything else? OH YES! You've conditioned me to expect treats when you come home from wherever it is you go (work, social events, etc). Understand something, please: I have no concept of time. If you go to work for 8-10 hours, I expect treats when you get home. If you go to the store for 1/2 hour, I expect treats. If you take out the garbage for 3 minutes, you had better expect me to whine for treats when you come back through that door.
I am a product of your conditioning and, I guess, this is just a harsh lesson you must learn. I commend you on your efforts to reprogram me, but as your boss, I need you to realize the sooner you get with the program, the happier we will all be.
That's how I roll, lady, and I make no apologies.