Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Open Letter to my Agent, Vol 6

Dear Slut,


Because I've not discovered the most gentle way to ask you this, I'm just going to lay it on the line: Who is my daddy?

While I've wondered about this for years now, it especially bothers me when Father's Day comes and goes without so much as a nod in our house. Nothing. No mention of a daddy--past, present, nor future. I wish you would just be honest with me about the situation. I can handle it! Brach may be a year younger than me and, subsequently should be shielded from our harsh reality, but I am gutsy and strong.

Dish it up, lady!

I hear you say it's tough to find a "good one" and that other men in the past have been "idiots." I'm going to honest here...I think you're being a bit over-dramatic. I've inspected many of the men who have come to visit (via smelling them, rubbing my face against them and receiving scritches and pats) and I think you are letting a lot of the good ones slip through the cracks.

I know you don't appreciate it when I throw myself at these men. "Will you be my daddy?" I purr as I walk back and forth under their hands. "Come live with us!" I see the glares you give me as you hiss, "Kukka...shut it!" Look, lady. (Hang on, I need to get my finger-quotes ready) I understand your "pride" and how you are "embarrassed" that I put it all out there, but someone has to! You are not going to find a good man if you don't lay it on the line!

Do I think you are unable to give me sufficient love and care on your own? Absolutely not. You have always done well by me.

Would I still wake you through the night if you had a man in your bed? Absolutely. See? Some things don't have to change if you were to find a good man!

I do think, though, that Brach needs some male influences soon. He is a little too much of a sissy for my taste. A good man who will rough him up a bit, teach him the serious art of insect hunting, and coach him on his belching and farting (while I have the skill, I find I just don't have the time). This is crucial for him to develop a strong sense of masculinity (because right now the most macho he gets is batting his eyes at you right before he drifts off to sleep).

By next year, I want to have a man around to whom I can offer an enthusiastic "Happy Father's Day." If you want some dating advice, I would be more than happy to recap my Hollywood romances for you so you can get tips on how to bait the hook, catch the man and reel him in. Very easy. In fact, I think I nabbed Brad Pitt in my sleep!

Get on it, lady.

The Fatherless Empress


William said...

In the old days, way before I was born? My bro tells me that my sister Sophie fell in love with a police detective who came by after a neighborhood incident. Apparently my mom got all embarrassed too with Sophie's behavior toward the man. And, it turns out that the policeman was not Sophie's father after all.

The point? I don't think I actually have one. I guess you could just wish your mom a happy father's day because she is kinda two parents rolled into one.

DEBRA said...


Better be careful what you wish for!


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Our human Sister B's dog Daisy has been in the situation. She tried for 9 years to get a Dad, then B got Shasta the puppy and, voila, a year later B is getting married! So maybe there's something about the cuteness of a youngster that draws in the men. It might be worth a try.

Cheysuli said...

You can borrow the man...

Les Trois Chats said...

Your mom probably knows that the best way to catch something is to not want it. You don't want just ANY old daddy, do you? It sounds like your mom is picky, and well, that's probably a good thing.

I do understand your desire for a daddy. I certainly do like mine. Except when he puts goo in my ear or some other such nonsense. But usually, he's pretty good. Good luck to you and your mom on your quest for Mr. Right.
~ turtle

The Meezers said...

Kukka, our daddy said he'd 'dopt you, but let you live wif your mommy. - Miles

Beau Beau & Angie said...

It takes a lot of time to find a good Daddy. Be patient - you'll know when you smells the right one.

Zeus said...

I don't think you can rush this, Kukka, no matter how hard you try. However, you can definitely have a say in who stays or who goes. I bit my human pet's ex-boyfriend, and she saw the light with that one! Take a more aggressive approach I say!