Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Open Letter to Vince McMahon, WWE CEO

Dear Mr. McMahon,

As chairman, CEO, and majority owner of World Wresting Entertainment, I would think you would have a bit more pride in yourself and would stop calling our home to beg Brach and I to join the elite forces of RAW and Friday Night Smackdown.

It's downright pathetic!

The phone rings. I answer. You beg. I refuse. You cry. I insult your masculinity. You beg some more. I lay the phone down, walk away, and take a nap. You, not knowing I've left, continue sobbing about your need for us to boost your ratings, the excitement you feel at the thought of creating action figures of our likeness and the thrill we will have when we can buy catnip as far as the eye can see with our ginormous paychecks. Or at least I think that is what I make out of your words, with the phone being as far away as it is, me sleeping, and you sobbing.

Yawn.

Look, I know Brach and I are talented. We are, arguably, the best wrestlers on the face of the earth. What I don't think you understand is how humiliated your current crew of wrestlers would feel at getting a beat-down from two tiny cats! Are you willing to put Triple H in the ring with me and watch him fall like a ton of bricks after I unleash my signature move, "The Pussy Whip?"

Please.

Let's be honest here. Brach and I will always...ALWAYS be victorious--be it a vicious cage match (Brach spent the first several weeks of his life in a cage at the humane society, bitch, so bring it on), a folding chair brawl (I have surprisingly profound upper body strength) or a tag-team event (my brother and I have ESP, making us quite the unbeatable force).

To fuel your frustration at not succeeding in convincing us to put our paw mark on a wrestling contract, I want to show you what you are going to be missing, sir (if that is your real name).

Grab your tissues, Vince. The talent captured in these photos is sure to make you cry (although, the excessive collection of shoes The Agent insists upon storing at the front door, rather than in her closet, can bring a tear to your eye, too). If you want to see these photos up-close and personal, you just need to click each shot (or, if as an egomaniac, you feel that is beneath you, have one of your paid minions do it for you).















And, though I feel I shouldn't need to say this, you are not authorized to teach these patented wrestling moves or use the clever titles of said moves in any WWE initiative. My lawyers may be uneducated and ill-qualified feral alley cats, but they are mean sons of bitches! Don't test me, Mr. McMahon!

Now stop calling us, creepy man!

Respectfully,
Empress Ass-Kicker and B-Rock, The Bloodbath Brute

14 comments:

The Meezers said...

Kukka, stay away from that scary man. last week, mommy was clicking through the pikshurs on the talking pikshur box, and she saw that scary man WIF HIS PANTS DOWN showing efurryone his pasty white cottage cheese like furrless hiney. Anypurrson who would do that on the talking pikshur box is desparate and should not be talked to! - Miles
PS - you're looking mighty cute rassling Brach!

Gemini said...

You and Brach are good wrestlers! Did I see your names in the Catolympics or not? I'm sure you are the best!

DEBRA said...

Brach got his tail all bristly in the KICKY PUNCHY picshur. I say you were besting him Kukka.You are an Empress KA'er!

*ABBY

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Well, there's no question you 2 would win out over anyone in the WWE. In fact, Brach could probably take on those phonies all by himself. Just think of it! You in a lowcut gown, wearing your tiara...Brach holding the championship belt. We can see it now. (You can probably tell, our Dad watches wrestling on cable!)

George & Max

beingmccrary said...

Where is the picture of "The Pussy Whip"?

And your Mother/Agent has a lot of shoes. She needs help. I'm assuming they are not yours or B-Rocks.

Kukka-Maria said...

Yeah...the shoes drive us batty! The ones on the shelf aren't that bad, but what of the ones on the floor?! Criminy!

I keep my Manolo Blahniks where they belong...in my cat tent.

Fat Eric said...

I am furry impressed at the wrestling skills displayed by yourself and Brach, I had no idea you were both so talented in this direction.

My mum got distracted from the wrestling pics by looking at the shoe collection - she wants to know if those red shoes are Crocs like hers because they look just like them!

Midnight said...

My fav is the Mohawk massacre...I am going to have to try that one on ole Homeslice AKA Buddy.

Kukka-Maria said...

Fat Eric, they are an off-brand of Crocs. My mom said she refused to pay more for clogs she will just get filthy in the garden (is it a wonder she would substitute our cat treats with cheap food?).

And, they are a really atrocious hot pink (I would much prefer red, as it is my favorite color). I think your mom gives our mom too much credit!

I'm so embarrassed your mom inspected my mom's shoes! It is almost like Mom left dirty laundry all over the floor!!

THE ZOO said...

YOU HAVE READ MY MIND HERE. I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD MY FRIENDS THAT READ YOU THAT YOU ARE SO GOOD THAT YOU SHOULD WRITE FOR THE WWE. THAT YOU WOULD DO GOOD STORYLINES. THEN HERE YOU WRITE A LETTER TO VINCE. SEE. I KNEW IT. WE NEED TO GET YOU AS HEAD WRITER. WE LOVE WRESTLING SO MUCH ALMOST ALL THE POODS ARE NAMED AFTER WRESTLERS AND THEY KNOW IT TOO. THEY THRU DOWN BRAWLING ALL THE TIME.

William said...

I bow to your wrestling prowess!

Zeus said...

Those are some powerful moves. I definitely think we should see who wins: Brach and Kukka-Maria vs. Zeus and Isis - a tag-team event for the ages!

Les Trois Chats said...

You two - these moves are AWESOME!!!

one of us said...

sO COOL ~Merlin, Shadow, Ko KO