Monday, June 19, 2006

Chipmunk Acquisition

by Brach

There is this chipmunk I met recently. I named him Beans. I want him to come and live with us--inside--forever and ever and ever.

First, he is so sweet! He will come up to the screen at the sliding glass door and stare inside at me. His plump, little cheeks will be packed with sunflower seeds almost to the point of exploding. He will stand there and dance for me. Back and forth he will run, causing me hours and hours of amusement. Sometimes he gives me tips on the best way to steal food and, when I tell him I have no need to steal food because my Mom feeds me well, he will stare at me with sad eyes and sigh. "Must be nice..." he will mutter. Doesn't that just break your heart?

Secondly, he is so polite. When he raids the bird feeder, he always yells to the birds with such a direct, yet very harsh tone. "Get back, you filthy birds. I'm eating here!" I think it's wonderful that he considers their safety and well-being while he is sifting through their seed to find the prime nuggets.

Finally, I have always wanted a little brother. Kukka gets to have one, but I don't? What gives? She is mean, bossy, inconsiderate, demanding, selfish and mean and bossy! I would be so kind to Beans if he were to come inside to live with us. I would love him and play with him and share my toys. It would be so delightful!

To conclude, I need a baby brother who is a chipmunk and whose name is Beans. I happen to know someone who fits this description, Mom. You only have to invite him inside to fulfill my every dream!

by Kukka-Maria

Oh for crying out loud! We're talking about that stupid chipmunk that steals food from the birds?



Brach, you really need to get your head examined! You want this scallywag coming inside of my house, eating my food and playing with my toys. You know I'm not one to point out your faults...all the time, but in this case, you are being ridiculous.

First, he is a dangerous brute. He is huge! Mom says she has never seen a chipmunk as large as this one. This morning, when she was walking to her car in the garage, "Beans" physically assaulted her. Yes, attacked her! Right in broad daylight! He charged her right shoe, causing her to do what any, normal and red-blooded woman would: She kicked at him. From what she told me, the impact of her shoe slamming against Beans' ribs was very dramatic. While she says she lightly kicked him a couple of feet away from her, I know that woman's strength, so I'm kind of doubting her story. I believe she flung him 6 feet in the air and, as he plummeted back to earth, she picked up a baseball bat and knocked him clear out of the garage. But it also could be like she said...

Secondly, he is a bum. He's been living in our garage--rent free, for almost a whole year! Who the hell gets to live rent-free for a year? Even we have to pay our way around here. You have to constantly adjust the blankets on the bed to accommodate your napping body and I have to tell you to "move it" because it's my turn to sleep in the bed you just made. Exhausting stuff! Beans also steals food from the birds! And, Brach, I don't think he's worried about bird safety when he demands they step back from the feeder to make room for him. I'm pretty sure I've even seen him give them the finger (notice I didn't stoop so low as to use a lame pun like "flip the bird") when he's yelling at them! How rude...

Finally, I suspect he is not a real chipmunk. With his size, his command over the English language, the fact he walks solely on his hind legs, and the long zipper that runs from the nape of his neck to his tailbone, I am thinking he might be human.

In conclusion, he is a homeless, violent assassin who dresses in a chipmunk costume, steals food from defenseless birds, mooches off our mom and cusses out anyone who gets in his way. Mom will never go for allowing him in the house, Brach.

Wait! Maybe she would. This guy sounds a lot like her ex-boyfriend!


Gemini said...

Oh, I don't know Brach. This chipmunk thing.. what do you really know about him? I'd be furry worried.

PrincessMia said...

Beanmom says to call the police if you see him again. He sounds dangerous. Very dangerous.

Zeus said...

I am thinking Kukka is right on this one, Brach. If this so-called chipmunk is walking around looking like the one in the picture, then you might want to reconsider having him come inside. Who knows what strange things he might do to the two of you, let alone your human pet? Sometimes, you have to let your dreams go...

William said...

Brach, he sounds fun but I bet he has fleas and stuff. What if you got something terrible from him?

No, what you need is a little cat bro. Tell your mom to get one for you. (She's got squillions of cats to go before she gets to be the Weird Lady With All The Cats, so no excuses.)

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Yes, yes, we agree with everyone. Plus, June is Adopt a Cat month, so you could get a kitten brother, Brach. It would be much safer than having a brother that's a birdseed thief!

Les Trois Chats said...

Brach, brother, I knew it would happen some day - we are all siding with Kukka. We think this big "rodent" has you duped. Time to let Kukka kick his butt to the curb. Literally.

ps - This has nothing to do with Kukka awarding me the Gold Medal of Love. Nothing. Honestly.
~ moose

Hot(M)BC said...

Maybe a smaller pet would be better?

~~ Mini

brandywine said...

Brach, Is this your veiled attempt to swing the point/counter point score toward Kukka? First of all, you should've named your chipmunk "Oliver"...or "Dale". I personally feel that most 'munks look like they are on uppers all the time, that explains the fast movements and the appetite. See if Sheldon can get you some more background information on this feed raider. (the word on the street, so to speak...) I think "Beans" would reak havoc on mums red couch, and that would'nt bode well.

Jacob the Syrian Hamster said...

We don't steal food. We horde it.