Monday, June 26, 2006

"The Talk"

**WARNING**WARNING** If you are a cat less than 5 years old, you should not read the following post. It contains sensitive information not intended for young felines. In fact, this post includes graphic images that should not be seen by anyone, let alone young cats. You've been warned.

Well, it happened this weekend. The Agent sat me down and told me it was time to have "The Talk."

"What talk?" I asked (knowing exactly the talk to which she was referring).

"It's time you learned where kittens come from, Kukka," she nervously replied.

"Don't kittens come from the pound?" I inquired, trying to stifle my giggles.

"Um...some do, but even those kittens don't originate at the pound. It's a bit more complicated than that," she said, shuffling a pile of papers in front of her.

Oh. My. Gawd! The Agent told me about sex this weekend. She called referred to "The Talk" as a story about birds, bees and cats. It was hilarious on so many levels:
  • First, I am not sure why she felt she had to have "The Talk" with me. For crying out loud...I am almost 7 years old (practically 49 in cat years)! Doesn't she realize I've been around the block? Also, I was spayed when I was a wee kitten! Do I really need to know where kittens come from?
  • Second, she was soooooo nervous! Her hands were shaking, her voice was trembling and she struggled to maintain eye-contact with me. What was that about? This woman will wipe my butt when I have dingleberries and scoop my shit out of a box, but she can not have a frank conversation about sex without convulsing?
  • Third, she had props. Yes, props. Diagrams and charts, in fact. They were horrifying! I am posting an example and, if you think this one is bad, you should have seen the ones I am not posting! Even I have limits!
  • Finally, she made Brach leave the room because he is a year younger than I am and she felt he was a little "immature" to handle such delicate information. In fact, she made me swear I wouldn't tell anyone about "The Talk" at all. "Their Agents will tell them when they think they are ready. It is not your responsibility to tell everyone what we talked about." What is this, Fight Club? "The first rule of The Talk is--you don't talk about The Talk." I figure I can justify posting it on my blog, though, since technically, I'm not "talking" about it. You should have thought to close all the loopholes, lady!
Because she was so genuine and had such honorable intentions, I couldn't very well tell her that not only was I familiar with the concept of where kittens come from, I was also known around town as a slut.
But a slut in the classy way...


The Meezers said...

that pikshur made our mommy go BWWAAAHAHAHAHA. She said that even after Ralphie was nootered, he would to that to Gramma Trixie, Grampa Norton AND any stuffed animal he found. AND he would thump his back left foot on the ground while he was doing it. She called it the "Humpty Dance". - Miles

Les Trois Chats said...

those kitties sure look happy... Why are they so happy, Kukka? I don't understand. uh-oh, here comes Mom - gotta go!!
~ moose

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Well we're not 5. I'm 3 and Max is 2 and we don't get it. George is 9 so maybe we should go ask him. George! George quick...wake up! We need to ask you something!


Kukka-Maria said...

Oh you should have seen the diagrams of the cats "making love" (her words, not mine) under the glimmer of a disco ball. She used that one when she talked about "setting the mood."

Hang on...I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Zeus said...

I'm not even sure I understand this. You mean, kittens don't come from the pound? And what is this picture about? I jump on Isis' back all the time like that, but she hisses, spats, and bucks me off of her. I don't quite understand what those two kitties are doing to make them so happy when Isis is never happy when I do that to her. This is confusing.

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

That graphic is horrifying! But interesting in a strange, compelling way. -Scooby & Shaggy (We wouldn't let Scout look)

Buddy said...

Agreed Zeus!! Puss does the same thing and I usually end up with a scratch on my nose and a mouth full of fur. No big smiles??

Oh, and I like sluts a good way of course. :)

William said...

So...if you dance in a conga line you get kittens? Does it work that way for moms, too?

Kukka-Maria said...

OMG, Squilliam! My mom just shot Crystal Light through her nose when she read your comment!

Conga line...brilliant!

DEBRA said...

Well Boo, Jinx, Ping and Gracie all thought kittens came from the pound. Of course I know better, they come from the Cat Fairy. :-)


PrincessMia said...

KM, the mom was rolling after she read your post. And then she read WMD's comment. I thought she was having a seizure.

beingmccrary said...

oh the art work is magnificant! I don't I think I fully understood until I saw this!

And I totally understand the "classy slut" thing. Been there, done that!

Kukka-Maria said...

Come on, beingmccrary..."Been there, done that?!"

More like "Being there, doing that!"

Victor Tabbycat said...

Moooooo-oooooom! Read me Kukka's blog? Please? Why not? Ooooo a pictor! Can I see?

Bonnie Underfoot said...

WTF? I only smile like that when I'm lying on my back.
Kittens come from doption fairies at PetSmart.

Tyler said...

Um... I have to be sure my folks don't learn the conga on their honeymoon. It would NOT be cool to have to share them with a baby. Unless they let me help clean the diapers!