Thursday, June 08, 2006


That's the sound of my biological clock.

I know what you're thinking: "But, Empress Kukka-Maria--the greatest and most sexy cat alive, didn't you have your biological clock surgically removed when you were a mere 2.5 pounds and under 10 weeks of age?"


But, listen...I'm a woman. I have needs. And, despite the fact society believes cats are not this reflective, I regret not having a litter or two.

When Brach first came to live with us, after the initial wrath I unleashed on him, I found myself mothering him a bit. I'm not made of wood. I have instincts. Anyway, I would clean him and snuggle with him, almost as if he sprung from my own loins.

Now that he's older, I still occasionally bathe him and snuggle with him, but since he is now a grown-up, I am feeling a sort of pseudo "empty nest syndrome."

I blame my mother for these disturbing feelings I am experiencing. It was she who decided to have me spayed. It was she who said she didn't want to bring more cats into the world when there are so many who need homes. It was she who actually sliced me open and ripped out my woman-parts!

Ok. She didn't actually perform the operation. I just threw that in for dramatic effect.

This is not the first time I've had to deal with the repercussions of my spaying. When Brad Pitt and I were dating, it was a hot point of contention.

"I want to have kittens with you, Kukka-Maria!" he would cry (with real tears, by the way).

"You knew I was unable to produce offspring from our first date, Brad," I would sob.

"Isn't it possible to have your spaying reversed? Can't they transplant another cat's lady bits into you?" he, with such desperation in his eyes, would ask. "I just love you so much and I know that our offspring would be so super-sexy! With your vertically pupiled eyes and my strong nose. Your four lucious legs and my firm ass. Our kittens would be extraordinary!"

"I know...I know..." I replied, head hanging.

Brad left me shortly after that conversation. He decided to marry Jennifer Aniston, who promised to make a family with him, then proceeded to focus on her movie career and put kids off. Who knew it would be so difficult for Brad Pitt to find someone with whom to procreate?

My spaying caused me to lose a man. I've lost my reproductive organs. I've lost my femininity.

AND, I've lost sleep from the sound of that damn biological clock ticking!


DEBRA said...


Ever fink about adoptin?


The Meezers said...

Kukka - you could 'dopt me! Grampa Norton was my "mommy" and he's gone now, so I don't has anyone to snuggle wif like that anymore. I'm still cute (I hope) even though I just turned 1 - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Abby, that's a great idea, but I don't think my mom would go for it. I think it has to do with something about "a single woman, having three cats, would make her that woman who never gets trick-or-treaters because the neighborhood kids call her "The Crazy Cat Lady."

Miles, while I would love, love, LOVE to adopt you (and potentially marry you, when you became of age), I think your mom would miss you too much. After all, who would eat the ham at your house when you were gone?

The Meezers said...

how about 'dopting me just for snuggles sometimes? maybe that will fulfill your motherly in-stink-ts and fulfill my missing a mommy (the furry kind). Oh, and when will I be of marrying age? - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

True, Miles...true. I could use some snuggling. But, in all fairness, I would need you to provide me with snuggling references. People/animals who would be willing to go on record to vouch for your cuddle-potential.

As for the marrying age? I think, legally, it's 3. But, then again, it's not legal for us to marry anyway. At least not anywhere but Canada--and I don't speak Canadian English!

We'll just continue to dream of a day when cats can marry freely...

Cheysuli said...

I've had kittens, Kukka--three litters. Trust me, I know you biological clock is ticking but it's no picnic. However, you are welcome borrow Gemini any time you like. I'm sure she'd be thrilled. lo

The Meezers said...

That's not fair that cats can't marry. I don't speak canadien english eifer. But, my Grammie and Grampie will vouch for my cuddliness. They LOVES to cuddle me. - Miles.

Aloysius said...

Cats can marry in the Church of Catymology, established by the Reverend Billy Cougar in the still-liberal but beseiged state of Minnesota. Darcy Zenophon was the first feline to marry; he married two humans back in March. Read all about it at our blog, Catymology.

P.S. Darcy and his human spouses do not plan to have kittens. They contribute regularly to no-kill animal shelters.

Buddy said...

My lovely,junk-in-the-trunk,most feminine babe!! You are ALL female to me.

I have missed you soo much.

DEBRA said...


Cats can't marry? Oh the horror!
We need a con-sta-two-shun-al amen-ment to allow cats to marry! Chey, did you hear that?


Kukka-Maria said...


I'm glad you stopped around. I've missed you (clearly).

beingmccrary said...

That SOB did the same thing to me! What a hooker htat Brad Pitt is! And what kinda name is Shiloh...sounds like a big lipped, tattoed, all black wearing persons name.

William said...

I think it has to do with something about "a single woman, having three cats, would make her that woman who never gets trick-or-treaters because the neighborhood kids call her "The Crazy Cat Lady."

Kukka, tell your mom that officially she needs four cats and a lot of stockpiled newspapers to become The Crazy Cat my mom!

Cruxley said...

Kittens are not all they're cracked up to be, hon. I fathered a few litters before my humans moved into this house and realized it came with an unaltered tomcat. (They remedied that situation right away.)
As for that Pitt character, you dodged a bullet on that one, babe.