Wednesday, June 21, 2006

TREATS 101

Welcome to "TREATS 101," your comprehensive guide to finding and acquiring snacks of all kinds. I am your instructor and world-renown expert in human manipulation, Empress Kukka-Maria.

For this lesson, let begin by defining the term "TREAT." A treat can be known by a squillion other names including, but not limited to: SNACK; TASTY DELIGHT; SWEETNESS; DELECTABLE NIBBLET; and my personal favorite, PARTY-IN-MY-MOUTH. Because humans think they are clever, you may have to listen closely at your own house to determine what term your human uses. They are often known to mix it up at times, so don't get too attached to a certain term.

Let's get to the bones of the operation: How does one acquire said snacks? I have created a simple, 37-step process that will guarantee at-will treat acquisition and subsequent consumption. Considering time/space constraints (and that I charge $49.95 for the entire 37-step process), I am just going to highlight three key steps here:

  1. "WHAT TIME IS IT? OH, WAIT! I DON'T FREAKIN' CARE!"
    This step is a tough one and will be met with resistance. However, when executed properly, it is key to establishing you as the dominant force in the home. For some reason, humans believe they are in charge of deciding when and where treats will be distributed--and they will tell you that any chance they get. DO NOT succumb to this bullshit propaganda.

    POP QUIZ TIME!! Question: When is it wrong to ask for...nay, DEMAND treats? Answer: There is no bad time to ask for and/or demand snacks. NO BAD TIME. If you are given treats at 5:30pm and then you find you want more at 5:45pm? Ask! If it's 4:02am and your stomach is asking for snacks, it is your responsibility to demand them.

    If your requests are met with resistance, unleash your hostile demands. My recipe for success is simple:
    • 1 part sensitive and loving meow.
    • 1 part extended and loud purr.
    • 1 part rubbing against the leg (manipulation tactic through which I receive no pleasure--it's just business)
    • 1 part "Lassie Technique" (running to the treat location in the hopes they are following you).

    If you find these "sweet" steps are not yielding the desired results, turn up the heat a bit by:
    • 1 part angry and terse meow coupled with throwing yourself aggressively against their legs.
    • 1 part tackling and swatting at your brother/sister/couch.
    • 1 part pathetic meow with a side of sad eyes.

    I find this works every time--without fail. While I know my mother is weak, I am confident she is no weaker than your humans. Weakness is a universal human trait (from my experience).

  2. "WHERE DA TREATS AT, BEEOTCH?"
    This step requires sharp observational skills. You must learn and memorize the location of the treats (or locations...some humans try to be especially deceptive by hiding them throughout the house). A great time to observe your humans is when they come home from the store--as indicated by the bags they carry in the house with them. If you see anything that resembles: PETSMART or PETCO, keep your eyes locked on those bags! That is where many humans buy the treats. When they remove them from the bag, do not--I repeat, DO NOT allow them to distract you! Your humans may say things in an attempt to send you to your treat-reception-area and away from the treat storage area. "Do you want a treat?" Caution: Words like this are designed to sidetrack you and keep you from your goal--knowing the source of the treats. Stand firm. Do not break. This battle of wills is just a precursor to the struggles to come.

  3. "I WEAR YOU OUT AND YOU GIVE IN!"
    This is where knowing the source of the treats is critical. When you find yourself without treats--after hours and hours of asking, you will need to take things into your own paws. In our house, the treats were first stored in the kitchen cupboard above the stove. She thought it was a fool-proof plan because we were unable to reach it. How cute is she for even trying? It became clear to us that we would not be able to get up there, so we decided to focus our energy on the lower cupboards. SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! We would do that over and over all evening--which drove her crazy!! She would remind us the treats were not in the lower cupboards. DUH...It's not about actually getting treats, it's about driving you crazy enough that you serve them to us on a silver platter! Frustrated, she moved them to the refrigerator. That posed more of a challenge, but I found a way to get to her. While I can not open the door, I can constantly rub my face against the edge of the white fridge door and leave all sorts of schmutz for her to clean. So I do. And she does. Bring on the games, lady. I've got nothing but time and energy.

In conclusion, class, acquiring treats can be a difficult, but rewarding process. Once you master these techniques, you will find the mind control you have over your humans will be handy in getting other things you want (scritches behind the ears, a prime sleeping spot in the human bed, fun and exciting toys, etc.).

Class dismissed!

8 comments:

The Meezers said...

Wonderful lessons Kukka. I prefers the treats of the "people food" kind, and I have my own way of getting them
1. Snatch and run - take it off the plate and head for the stairs
2. Slap and run - slap it out of her hands, pick it up and run for the stairs
3. Stick my head in her mouf when she puts the food in there. This is the bestest!!!
Miles

DEBRA said...

Miles you love food! The snatch and run techinque must be what keeps you in fine shape!

Kukka--you have hit the nail on the head girlfriend! I have my Momma trained she knows when I do my circle 8's and sit at her feet it's time for my cookies...which is what she calls my treat-o-ramas! I love love love LOVE my crunchies.

*ABBY

Cheysuli said...

I personally use the snatch and run. If the humans leave food unattended in the kitchen while they are having dinner, I snatch and run. I hate four slices of pepperoni before they noticed.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

This on-line, condensed version of your guide will be a very helpful tool for all the new, young kitty bloggers who haven't learned the best ways to get a treat. Not being a treat affeciando myself I don't think about such things, but I'll tell you, Max & Tipper would stand on 1 paw for a treat! If they can find Moms credit card, they'll be placing an order. You do take credit cards, right?

George

K T Cat said...

Fabulous post, Feline Empress! My favorite tactic is to wait for the human to go get food for Jacob the Syrian Hamster for the night. When he goes to the cupboard, which also keeps my treats, I innocently follow him and look up with loving, expectant eyes and he always gives in. He thinks I'm confused and doesn't want to disappoint me.

Buddy said...

I love to hunt for my treats as I told you before... Mom hides them all over the house it's fun. I have been taught to do tricks too and Puss can shake paw. Midnight however HATES all treats except steak bites dad sometimes gives her. Mom is a vegi eater YUCK!

Kukka you are the most brilliant feline I have ever met.
rub-rub, head-but...I am in love!

Gemini said...

Oh.. where can I purchase your complete guide for $49.95?

Can I use paypal? I've seen her type the password enough that I can get in and use it!

Les Trois Chats said...

Kukka, my dear, you must have an honorary doctorate stored somewhere... you are freakin' BRILLIANT (as well as beautiful).
~ moose